LIFELINE BY PHOENIX
Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves
Angst, H/C. Drama. Alternate Universe.
Spoilers for Stargate the Move. Serpent's
Grasp/Serpent's Lair. Companion Piece to Strange
rescue and homecoming from his perspective.
situations. References to character deaths which
have occurred previous to the events of this story.
|| 65 Kb
Originally completed in 2000.
His voice was the beacon
drawing me forward from darkness into light. His touch
pulled me from the living death where I wandered alone
back to life.
for me. I can say little else, except his name. Inside,
over and over, using the sound of it to keep the demons
at bay. His arms around me, lifting me up, feel them tighten,
feel scalding tears, I can feel again, feel him.
be alive, this must be real. He is warm and strong, he
is with me as they take me from this place of horror and
despair. I had never thought to see him again, never expected
to live and breathe again. Thought I was already dead and
discarded, drifting in a murky, nightmare purgatory where all
lost, forgotten and unremembered souls wander haunted by
the twisted images of wasted moments and dreams.
are open. I see but do not understand. What is the nightmare,
what is real - I can't tell. Nothing seems real. Except
for him. His touch is real. His hands warm, vital, burning
feeling and life into my cold clay wherever he touches
me. Real. He is real. Only him. That's all I know.
them talking, sounds with no meaning. Jumbling together,
blurring, melding, swirling like a watercolour left out
in the rain. It doesn't matter what they are saying, where
they are taking me. He is here. I'm not afraid. I can feel
him. His voice alone does not confuse me, does not blend with
the others. Penetrating, carrying understanding. It's finally
over. He's come for me. He won't let anyone hurt me anymore.
take him away. The only touch I understand is gone, in
its place so many others. Strange hands I do not know,
which don't have the power to shield me from the horrors as
his do. They take him away from me and what he has kept from
what was done to me is so much worse now I'm awake. Eyes
open or closed; the images are the same. Not what is, but
what was, coming at me, over and over as I see it, feel it,
live it continuously at the obliteration of everything else.
The sound of screaming, loud, insane, terrible.
me? Screaming, have been screaming forever. Screaming as
I fought them then, screaming as I fight them now. Hands on
me, holding me down like being held down before, can't escape
can't move have to get away from here before they start
hurting me again. I'm in a different place but I'm still here
in the place of pain with hurtful hands restraining me,
waiting helplessly for the agony to begin again.
is he, where is he, he wouldn't let this happen to me scream
his name but they still won't let me go. Sharp pain in
my arm, numbing sick death spreading through my limbs going
back to sleep stops the screams but won't stop the dreams….
coming for me again. It blazes in the madness, making the
things tormenting me cower and flee. I follow it, reaching
out for him although I can't move my arms, fighting the
numbness, needing him to touch… feel my closed eyes burning,
hot wet sliding out of the sides of my eyes, down my face
to be caught by his fingers. Life sears in me again where
his touch brushes my face. Still can't move, afraid to move
need him to touch…
ghost across my eyelids, the most delicate of caresses.
It is so slight and yet so very precious; it draws the
full focus of my concentration. There is no room for anything
else; everything recedes before my need to feel his touch.
his fingers along my cheekbone, then uses them to trace
the line of my jaw. Lingering, coursing with his life,
does he know what he is doing, how he is drawing me back? Even
though I'm now awake, I dare not move. My life depends on
those fingers, on not having them forsake me.
them across my lips and I forget. A sigh escapes me sounding
like a sob and I feel the fingers jerk away. God! No! Don't
stop! The fear comes crashing in on me again. If he goes
– like this - he won't touch me again. I'll be lost…
force my eyes open, what I see is blurred and out of focus.
As I fear, he's moved from my side, backing away from me
frightened by what he has done, thinking he has hurt me.
Can't let him leave, can't fight this without him, not strong
enough how to make him understand how important he is – how
much I need….
I struggle. So hard – have to do this. Now, before I lose
it. I said it. Relief floods through my body, I'm almost
completely spent by the effort of speaking the single word. He
freezes in the middle of turning away from me, sees me, sees
me looking at him, comes back oh thank god he's coming back
saying my name, he knows what I need, looks around says
"screw 'em", bless him for understanding, takes the
straps off my arms, lifts me up and folds me into his embrace.
envelop me, his life flows through me. I don't have the
strength to hug him back, but I will. He says nothing,
just holds me, holds me, holds me, I'm coming alive again his
light calms me, drives back the darkness it'll be all right,
Jack is here…
me home. I should be happy, finally out of the infirmary,
well enough, according to those who claim to know about
these things, to be out in the world again. I should be
happy, but all I am is – terrified.
things are a lot better. Compared to the way they have
been, although nowhere near where they should be. At least
I have enough control over myself not to scream at the
drop of a hat.
the difference between what is real and what is swimming
around in my head, still trying to drag me back into the
quagmire. Can't take credit for any of it. It's partly due
to these damned pills which are making me so numb I barely
have the strength to breathe, but mostly its due to him. He's
been my shield against the darkness, the strength I don't
have, my reason to fight and my guide through the dark valley
back to what is real. He has been – everything. That's
why I'm so scared now, the farther we get from the mountain,
the closer we get to my place.
ready for this. Not ready to be alone. Not yet. He'll take
me home, he'll stay for awhile but then he'll have to go
and I don't know what will happen to me when he does. I keep
my eyes closed and try not to let the fear overwhelm me. I
search for a way, the words, I don't know how to tell him he
can't leave me yet but somehow I have to find a way.
feel his gaze on me, touching me from across the small
space between us. Just as if it was his hand caressing me the
same way his eyes do as I open mine to meet them. What I see
in them gives me sudden hope and courage. Bolstered by that
hope, I say his name. His eyes are warm, they say so much.
Maybe – maybe he won't leave after all…
sweet home, Daniel," he says. "I look out the windshield
and the image greeting me is not the one that immediately
sprang into my mind when Jack told me I was home.
– his house. I don't understand. Confused for a moment,
and then – well of course. I've been 'dead' for the past
six months. I don't have a 'place' anymore. Would have
been all packed up, cleared away, carted off and disposed of -
probably gave it all away to the Goodwill or something.
Probably don't own anything anymore except the clothes I'm
wearing. The ones Jack brought for me for the trip home. Which
do happen to be mine, which suddenly strikes me as –
the one stuck with the job? Was he the one who had to dispose
of the remnants, the one burdened with task of tying up
the loose end resulting from the inconvenient ceasing of
Daniel Jackson? God, I hope not. I hope none of my friends had
to do that. But then, who else was there? Scant few people in
this world are troubled one way or the other whether I exist
or not. Still, someone had to have done it; odds are it
was one or all of them. I'll have to thank them, right
after I apologize for having put them through it in the
big mystery after all, I'm here because I don't have anywhere
else to go. Déjà vu…
mind accepts the explanation I'm aware Jack is speaking,
- what he is saying – I'm wrong, I live here, I've always
lived here, wait, that's not right, I know that's not right
but… there's more…no – it can't be - what can he mean
– Sha'uri – dead? Jack just told me my wife is dead and
suddenly the world disappears from beneath my feet and I fall.
fall far. He's there, Jack is there, holding me up, speaking
softly to me and stroking my cheek as my mind races, trying
to reconcile the confusion of what it knows with the discovery
- what it knows – isn't - what is… For a sickening second
an image, clearly burned in my mind of Sha'uri. Dressed
in obscene Goa'uld finery, standing beside Apophis, haughty
cruelness twisting her beautiful face the gold, glowing
eyes of a stranger beaming hatred and disdain at me.
have been her fate – doomed to be a prisoner in her own
body, constantly suffering, alone, forced by a monster
to hurt others to hurt – me… She would have suffered unending
torment. Poor, sweet Sha'uri – god forgive me, suddenly
I'm glad she is dead, if her heartless extinction instead
of becoming a host meant she was spared even one second
ARE fates worse than death. I am so grateful my darling
did not have to know that.
take it in any more, torn between my grief and my relief
I allow Jack to guide me into the house. Our house. It
doesn't feel familiar but I am so glad it is so.
Sam and Teal'c would go home. Feel terrible wishing it,
seeing the naked delight in their faces.
touching me as if she can't believe I'm real. She grins
like a fiend, blushes, wipes away tears, touches me again,
won't meet my eyes as if he is afraid of what is inside
him clamouring to come out. He blinks a lot. Terrible of me to
wish they would go but it's all too much. It's just – what
they are surrounding me with, it's too overwhelming. I can't
believe it, accept it, understand why. Why I matter so
much to them.
by the force of their joy. Almost flattened by it. I –
had no idea. Truly didn't. I've allowed for the possibility,
however remote, there might be one or two people who might
miss me a little for awhile if I wasn't around, but I've
always known what I am. One of those people who just slips
through the cracks of life. That guy you know who is around
somewhere in the background, part of the furniture but
not particularly noticeable or memorable, never can quite
remember his name, fades from existence if not in plain sight.
Someone who just doesn't make much of an impact. Expendable.
at me like all of a sudden they just got their reason for
living back and I don't know what to say so I look around,
trying not to break down right in front of them I am so
humbled by the gift they have just given me. I just don't
deserve to be so loved and that's when I see – that's when I
know what I've been seeing in Jack's eyes.
of my existence all over the room. My statues, pictures,
books – god – my books… on the mantle, that stupid rock
Jack picked up on P3S- 821, giving it to me after he'd
painted 'Genuine Alien Arty-fact' on it, and there - one
of my most prized possessions on the coffee table right in
front of me.
As I reach
for one of the pieces I realize he has never let me go,
not for an instant, not for a second. I ask him, he lies
to me about it, afraid I will see, afraid I will know, afraid
I don't want what he wants to give me. He denies what we both
know is the truth, but he isn't fooling either one of us.
why his touch heals me – why his voice has the power to
exorcise the darkness. I know what he wants, why he looks
at me that way.
I want it too.
know I have to get out of here before I embarrass both
of us in front of the company.
me lost in grief and confusion. In a place I should know
but don't – and don't know why I don't, mourning a woman
months dead and gone I feel I have only just lost not understanding
why I don't remember losing her. He tells me more – more
truths about the people I love making lies of my memories
and certainties. I feel everything I have accomplished
in this short time starting to slip away from me. My head
is splitting; I barely know my own name. I am about to
shatter. I need him…
are around me, I cling to him, feeling his strength and
love surrounding me it helps, but I need so much more and
yet don't dare say so, not yet, we're not alone. I don't want
him to leave but I send him away to send them away hoping
he'll come back as he promised but not sure if he will. I know
he wants to, but he's afraid of what he feels.
always seems to know exactly what I need so I wait for
him, confident in that. He knows I need him. He'll come back.
shivering in the darkness, feeling it close around me.
Turning off the light was a mistake, one I can't rectify now.
I doubt I have the strength to rise from the bed, never mind
make it across the room and back again. I certainly haven't
got the strength to go to him. It's been such a long time
since he left me.
be cold, but I'm freezing. Numbness, leeching in from the
very darkness around me seeping into my bones. I struggle
against it but there is more of it than there is of me.
It closes over me, mercilessly beginning to snuff out the
small flame the hope of him has kindled within me.
around me changes. I feel him move through it, coming toward
me. So close, and yet…. He's here, but he's afraid. I can't
let that stop me. It's not just my life I'm fighting for.
I understand this in a way he doesn't yet. He will.
him to me - he comes. I can't let him leave; the darkness
is so close. I won't lose to it now – not now that I know
what I have to live for.
him to me, clasping his hand to my chest. It is so warm,
his touch scorching – almost too much. His brief attempt
at resistance over, he climbs into bed behind me. He has
no choice. He's not leaving me.
in me screams at the warm assault. He pulls me closer,
his hand moves across me, sweet caress, hot, warm, languid,
the desire shooting through me is so real, so strong it
love, pain, desire, fear, hope all swirl within me, welling
up, needing to escape, only one way out. I turn to him,
clutching him, feeling his arms tighten around me, tears
falling but no release I can't – I can't get it to come out,
get it to let go.
want to go mad but this has to stop or I will but it's
all stuck, like a huge knot inside me, getting bigger, not
letting go but crushing me from the inside out. I can barely
feel him anymore even though his arms are squeezing me I hear
myself saying "make it go away" if he can't I'm
yes, yes, more, I need more try to pull him closer but
he makes me lie still. Don't want to need more, doesn't he
understand I'll die frozen if I can't feel and then I'm dying
burning as I feel his tongue in my mouth, his lips crushing
to claim him as greedily as his hands begin to stroke me
slowly, firmly… can't speak, want to scream, so numb, need
to feel, scream at him, harder, touch me harder, not enough,
not enough still can't feel you, hurt me, anything, make me
shakes his head, kisses me again, touches me, still slowly,
lightly, stroking, stroking, his hands knowing me as if
they have always held the secret of what I need within
them. As he kisses me above, below, trailing slick wetness
across my body, his mouth marauding across me his touch
roaming over me, I start to tremble, not from cold, not from
not feeling, but from a wave surging through me like a switch
being turned on.
I'm ablaze, every nerve tingling, shrieking with life,
with feeling, wave after wave of excitement, fire, sensation,
I've lost control of my body, my limbs shake and spasm
uncontrollably. Can't think, can't move, animal noises
coming from me, sobs, screams, moans, grunts, whimpers -
sounds I have never heard myself make before.
feel him now - all around me, touching me everywhere at
once, how can he do this, how can he know, he knows everything,
knows what I need, how could I have doubted him, feeling,
feeling, oh god, it's getting better – how is this possible?
He groans and growls and laughs as he sees what has become
of me, his breath short, ragged and hot in my mouth as
his tongue plunges deep within me, again, again, again. There
is a pulsing, bright blazing deep inside me, growing, rising,
coursing through me, gathering speed and oh sweet JESUS, he's
- he's touching me there now, holding me, squeezing, pumping.
thought I was in paradise before but as his hand closes
around me, moves up and down, the fire erupts, blasting
through the knot of pain, shattering it, sweeping it away. Up,
up past what once was pain now is only fire and joy, up,
through, out, shooting clear. I'm dying now, screaming, sobs
tearing through me tears streaming, shuddering with the
force of release, release…
go, all of it spewing out of me with the ecstasy god god
god, the bliss! The pain, all coming up and out, bursting
free, head exploding, white light in my brain, his hand
tightening upon me as I feel warm spurting on my stomach,
can't tell where my screams end and his begin…
alive alive, I'm alive. I want to scream I want to cry,
want to laugh hysterically all at once. I want him to know
what he has done. I can feel. God, do you know how wonderful
on top of me, asleep. I can't sleep. I'm too excited, too
grateful. I need to touch him, the way he touched me, need
to revel in the new life he has given me. Realize I'm probably
going to wake him up in the process but somehow don't think
him onto his back and just do what I need to do. I'm out
of my mind the second I touch him. He makes a startled
grunt, coming abruptly awake as my hands swarm over his chest,
yanking on the swirling of hair there in my haste. Since he's
awake now I kiss him, hard, deep, making him gasp and moan.
seen nuthin yet.
time I have him in my mouth, teasing him with my tongue,
running my teeth up and down the soft, hard, swollen flesh
he's laughing, crying, swearing at me at the top of his
lungs. He knots a hand in my hair, pushing my head down,
catching me by surprise. Not expecting so much of him all at
once I gag, but I'm over it in a second, moving faster,
feeling it won't be long now, certainly if the way he is
cursing is anything to go by.
mouth on you Jack! I'll give it something else to do in
a minute, have to finish up down here first.
I turn on him, a small stream of his seed trickling from
the corner of my mouth. I kiss him deeply, giving what I
have taken from him back to him. He hisses in surprise then
clamps his arms around me, rolling me onto my back, pinning me
beneath his weight. He kisses me back fiercely and we lie
there locked together until we can't breathe.
somewhat more serene I feel the sleep I could not previously
find beginning to creep over me. Hear him murmur in my
ear "what are you trying to do kill me" and then he is
silent, still, breathing deeply. Sleep comes, a blessed
sleep, a sleep with no dreams…
morning I am wide awake, still alive, emerging from the
best sleep I've had since coming back to life. Jack is still
on top of me, sprawled all over me, snoring profoundly, as
profoundly as he is slumbering. Well, I can't sleep anymore,
certainly don't want to wake him, he's more than earned
to get up. Have a feeling, if I know my Jack, what he has
in his fridge will be beer, beer, possibly some leftover,
cold, stale pizza, followed by, what else - more beer. We're
going to need a bit more than that if we're going to keep our
strength up. So while my colonel slumbers I slip out from
under him, grab a quick shower, toss on some clothes, see
my hunch about the state of the provisions is correct,
find Jack's keys and make a quick grocery run.
well I did. Eventually Jack does wake up and realizes he's
pretty hungry. Not at first, however. Too busy thinking
with other parts of his anatomy immediately upon rising, so to
speak, so I have to keep him away from me under dire threat of
spatulation in order to finish preparing what will service
the other appetite he finally figures out he has. He pouts
for a bit, but as the aroma sways him in the direction
of which craving he wants to satisfy first, he is grateful
one of us has enough self control to cook. He eats enough
for three people, then looks at me like he's still hungry.
However, the bill of fare has shifted from waffles to Daniel
him do the dishes first.
I would have at least enough time to let everything settle
a bit. I figured wrong.
forgetting what Jack does for a living. He's very good
at what he does. I don't hear him behind me until it is far
too late. Labouring under the foolish misapprehension I am
actually going to be allowed to get any more than ten feet
away from him I make the fatal mistake of turning my back on
him and walking out into the dining room. Needless to say,
I pay dearly for my folly; I am attacked from behind and
thrown to the floor. Oh no. Completely defenseless. Not
a kitchen utensil in sight. Whatever shall I do?
I can say boo my pants are down around my ankles and Jack
is grinning at me like a fiend, pumping me furiously, quickly
erect. I realize he is going to make me pay for what I
did to him last night.
Stop. Don't. Don't. Don't stop…
is swift in coming and so am I. Jack shares the fruits
of his labours with me with rather sloppy, slightly overwhelming
enthusiasm. It's an interesting experience. So is whisker
it to the bedroom. Eventually. By way of the whole rest
of the house. Going to be finding articles of clothing
all over the place for weeks. I don't care. We're like a
couple of bunnies in heat. He's a crazed lunatic, but that's
okay, I'm every bit as gone about him. I'm wild, I'm alive,
I'm completely ridiculous but mostly – I'm grateful. He's
saved my life and I'd love him forever just for that if I
didn't love him already for him.
It's his fault, so I guess that means he's stuck with me.
He doesn't seem to mind. He's rude, he's crude, he's completely
– wonderful. More than that, he's my lifeline. His love
found me, brought me back, set me free. I plan to spend
the life he's helped me reclaim saying thank you. As many
times as it takes.
think he'll mind that either. He tells me I have my uses.
He has no idea…
he likes my cooking.
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