LAST LAUGH BY PHOENIX
the close friendship between Jack and Daniel.
Hurt/Comfort. J/D Friendship, Challenge Response
season. Pick One. No Spoilers.
feeling blue and it's all Jack's fault.
|| 50 Kb
a response for an h/c challenge for the SGiHC list
back in 2000. It was supposed to a a thousand words,
and the member of SG-1 whumped wasn't to have been
injured too severely - they were to have spent
no more than a day in the infirmary. Probably
originally completed sometime in early Feb 2000.
Hey, it was a long time ago! This one is little
longer than that, I've kinda added a bit to it
since it was first completed and posted to the
“No – you gotta listen
to this one! Seriously! How many System Lords does it
take to change a light bulb?”
Daniel sighed, reluctantly
took his eyes away from the monitor screen and glared narrowly
at the man with the impudent grin slouched up against the
table beside him. Jack, hanging around with his personality
high beams on. Which meant Jack was bored. Which also
inevitably meant HE could kiss his peace of mind good-bye.
“I dunno, JACK, how many
System Lords DOES it take to change a light bulb?” Daniel
sighed, resigning himself to his fate. He might as well
play along. Bitter experience had taught the long
suffering archaeologist when Jack was in a playful mood
resistance was not only futile, it only led to even worse jokes.
“Who CARES!" Jack
chortled "Shoot first, ask questions later!
Jack elbowed Daniel so
enthusiastically he almost pushed him off his chair. “Do
yourself a favour,” Daniel grumbled as he resettled himself.
“Don’t quit your day job. And speaking of day jobs –
I am working here – in case you hadn’t noticed. Would
you mind terribly toddling off and finding someone else to play
Jack affected a look of
deep concern and shook his head. “Daniel, Daniel, I’m only
here because I’m worried about you. You work far too
much, you know that. It’s just not healthy. You
know, all work and no play…”
Daniel favoured his nemesis
with a withering look. “Jack, why is it when you have nothing
to do I suddenly work too much?”
Jack shrugged sheepishly
and grinned. “Serendipity?”
Daniel snorted and turned
his attention back to the monitor screen. “Well any other
time and I might actually be tempted to play hooky, but you’re
completely out of luck today. I really have to come up
with SOMETHING on these artifacts SG-10 brought back with
them from P5N-912. This is a bit of a poser…”
Jack spent a couple of
seconds looking over Daniel’s shoulder at the video footage
of the site on P5N-912. Another empty crumbly building.
Wow, like they hadn’t seen any of THOSE before. He
looked about, trying to come up with another way of coming at
Daniel, his questing gaze falling on a collection of small
statues sitting on the table to his left.
Hel-lo – what’s this?
He reached for the largest
and ugliest one, pulling a face as he looked it over. Gah!
It sure was a gruesome little bugger! It looked like a
little gnarly alien guy with big googly eyes and an oversized,
wide-open 'O' for a mouth. His thumbs were stuck in his
ears and the attitude of the splayed palms the statue was
presenting suggested it was engaged in making an extremely
provocative gesture Jack was quite familiar with and in fact
had practiced himself on several occasion during the course
of his mis-spent youth.
And once last week, actually,
come to think of it.
Jack paused in his study
of rude statuary and stole a look at Daniel. Crap. He
was still prattling on about whatever it was he'd been prattling
on about when Jack had tuned him out in the first place and
whatever Daniel was saying now STILL didn't sound like anything
he was interested in listening to, so Jack shrugged and
went back to checking out his new little friend hoping Daniel
would run down before he ran out of distractions.
“…the site itself is fairly
curious. The nature of the artifacts found and their
diversity suggest it was actually some kind of repository or
museum. At least that was the initial assessment.
Most of the artifacts have already been forwarded to Area 51 and
they sent me these to see if I could shed some light…but
something just don’t make sense. They found so many of
the same kind of artifact and each one was identical which
would suggest they were mass-produced…”
Yadda yadda, talking,
talking, too much talking. I wonder if it's possible to
sprain your tongue. I guess that would be too much to hope
for. Oh well, at least I've still got my little buddy
here. You don't talk at all, do ya, pal? This damn
thing really is ugly, but it's got a certain, oh, I dunno,
charm. Hey, hold the phone, what's this?
There was something there
– on the little guy's butt. It looked like some kind of
button or switch or whatzit. Jack ran his thumb over it,
gave it an experimental nudge, felt it move inward beneath
the pressure, heard a soft click.
Daniel's outraged and
invective laden howl was so unexpected and sincerely expressed
it nearly startled Jack out of his socks.
Geez he didn’t even know
Danny knew so many bad words. In English, that is!
Jack risked a peek at
the obviously incensed archaeologist. And immediately wished
he was somewhere else. His life wasn't worth a plugged
nickel now, especially if he was in any way responsible for
what he was seeing.
Daniel was covered from
head to toe in a thick layer of white, powdery dust. Like
someone with an enormous powder puff had just – sneezed –
all over him.
“For crying out loud
Danny," Jack gaped. "What the hell happened to you?”
“Apparently – YOU did!”
Daniel cried, springing to his feet, hopping frantically
up and down as he sought, unsuccessfully, to shake off his
unwanted covering. “That – that thing in your hand - I don’t
know what you did, but it just - just shot t-this -
this…STUFF - all over me – ohhh my!”
He stopped abruptly, eyes
behind his smeared glasses suddenly widening with considerable
alarm. “ Oh boy, I feel really funny, Jack…don’t
like this, this isn't good… Ahhhh – SONOFABITCH!!!”
Daniel began to howl and
curse anew as he vigorously and frantically chaffed his arms,
trying desperately to dust off the white coating. “It burns
like CRAZY!” he yelled. “Get it OFF!”
Oops! This wasn’t funny
any more. Daniel was in trouble. “Ah, take it easy,
Daniel," Jack soothed, moving toward him. "Maybe
we should get you down to the infirmary…”
Daniel wasn’t listening.
He was gone. “Off off off – get it OFF!” he screamed.
He frantically clawed at his T-shirt and then ripped it off
over his head. Geez look at that – the white stuff was all
over his skin, even the parts of him covered up by the
shirt. Jack wondered if that meant….
Daniel was beginning to
fumble with his belt. Oh boy.
Jack quickly stripped
off his jacket, wrapped it around Daniel and started to hustle
him out the door and down the hall. “Showers,” he said grimly.
Daniel’s response wasn’t
particularly coherent but it was loud and colourful.
“So, how’s our boy?”
Jack said benevolently to the man in the bed while trying
his damndest not to laugh.
“Well for someone who
looks like an enormous SMURF not too bad, thanks for asking!”
Daniel’s tone was very low and very, very dangerous. His
smouldering expression of annoyance didn't bode too well for
a certain colonel's continued health and long life either.
Jack knew he shouldn't
and he was damned well as good as dead if he did. But sometimes
self-preservation wasn't everything. And there were some
things worth dying for.
“I really wish you hadn’t
said that,” Jack felt himself starting to shake. He
couldn't take it. He was a dead man. But Daniel was
just so - just so - oh God, he was going to laugh. He was.
“Look on the bright side," Jack continued, biting his lip
and looking away knowing it was only a matter of seconds before
he cracked. "We got all the stuff off you, it
doesn’t burn any more and at least – at least you go with
“Oh, that’s so
comforting,” Daniel snarled. “Nice to know I’m colour-coordinated.
I wouldn’t want to clash!”
That was it. He was done.
Daniel might hate him from now until doomsday but if he didn’t
let this out he was going to explode. Jack collapsed on
the bed, wracked with laughter, aware of Daniel’s angry eyes
on him but completely unable to stop himself or give a damn.
“Something I can do for
you, Lieutenant?” Daniel snapped. Although he was still
almost incapacitated with the giggles Jack was just able
to raise his head and register a man he vaguely recognized
as an admin type from upstairs standing there - mouth and
eyes wide - staring at Daniel. What was he doing down here?
“Wow…” The Lieutenant
breathed. “They weren’t kidding. Holy shit!
You’re – you're…BLUE!”
“You don’t say!”
Daniel yelled at him. “You’ve had your peek, now why
don’t you get the hell out of here and spread the word all
over the base so everyone ELSE who needs a laugh can come in
here and STARE at me TOO!”
As the lieutenant beat
a hasty retreat Daniel jabbed an angry finger after him.
“You see that! You see! See! He wasn’t the first and he
sure won’t be the last. Take a PICTURE, it lasts
LONGER!” he yelled at no one in particular.
Sam breezed in past the
swiftly scuttling lieutenant, crossing to Daniel's bedside
with a bright, fixed smile on her face. She gave the chortling
colonel sprawled on the bed a non-too-gentle whack on the
back of his head as she scolded him.
“Sir! Stop that!
" She glared disapproval down at Jack and then turned
her back on him in disgust and beamed a sympathetic smile at the
simmering blue man also glaring at the colonel. "How
are you doing, Daniel?” she asked gently.
Daniel smiled gratefully
back at her. “Okay, all things considered. Once they
got all the stuff off me the burning stopped. If you discount
being blue, I don't seem to have suffered any adverse effects
from my exposure to the irritant. Janet says my new -
colour - isn't permanent, but she doesn’t know how long I am
going to be like this. Technically I can leave if I want
Carter nodded sympathetically.
“I can see why you wouldn’t be too anxious to be wandering
around at the moment.”
“Did you contact Area
51?” Daniel asked hopefully.
“Yup, and the artifacts
they collected from P5N-912? Well, if it makes you feel
any better, you have a lot of company. Those things were
going off all over the place. Every single artifact was
loaded with some kind of powder, liquid or gas that was discharged
at the person holding the object when they touched off the
release mechanisms. None of the substances were toxic, dangerous
or harmful. Just annoying. They caused a variety of
inconvenient physical reactions like this one."
Daniel's eyes widened
as the implications of this piece of information hit home.
"So," he frowned. "In essence what you're
saying is SG-10 uncovered an alien cache of squirting flowers
and joy buzzers?"
"Yeah, I guess you could
put it that way," Sam grimaced and shrugged apologetically.
"Gags and practical
jokes?” Jack guffawed. "All this time you
guys were thinking SG-10 found a museum and what it really was,
was a joke shop!"
Sam swatted him and then
turned back to Daniel, a sudden wicked glint in her eye.
“Ah Daniel, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I was just
wondering. Nice shade of blue, by the way – is it
– everywhere? That is to say, is EVERYTHING… blue?”
Jack could feel Sam’s
hand clutching his arm tightly as she awaited Daniel’s answer.
“Yes!” Daniel snapped
angrily. “Everything! Happy now?”
“I can vouch for that!”
Nurse Clark interjected as she bustled past. “Hi Daniel.
See you later.”
“Oh, Woad is me!”
Daniel groaned as he fell back in the bed and pulled the sheet
over his head. Sam collapsed onto the floor in a helpless
pool of laughter.
“Aw come on, Daniel,”
Jack addressed the still, Daniel-shaped pile of bedding in
a placating voice. He was actually starting to feel pretty
bad about all of this. “It was an accident. You
know I didn’t mean…”
“Go away!” came the
petulant response from beneath the sheet.
Teal’c picked that moment
to make his entrance. To Jack's considerable relief.
Talk about timing. Jack had just been wondering where their
fourth was, realising he was rapidly losing ground in the
'boosting Daniel's morale' effort, and therefore was in dire
need of some back-up. He was sure he could count on
Teal’c for a little assist in raising Daniel's spirits.
It was pretty much a given out of all of them the Jaffa would
be the one person who wouldn't laugh at him.
Even though it was also
a given Daniel had never been funnier.
“Teal’c” Jack began
happily. “It's about time. Wanna help me cheer up
little boy blue here?”
“I believe I can be of
considerable assistance in that regard,” Teal’c replied as
he reached Jack’s side. “DanielJackson,” he said, a
little loudly. “I have returned.”
Daniel threw back the
sheet and hurriedly sat back up. “Teal’c!” he exclaimed
brightly. “Great! How did it go?”
“It went very well,”
Teal’c replied, never taking his eyes off Jack. “Your
request has been successfully carried out. You will be
happy to know you WILL be avenged.”
Teal’c continued to stare
at Jack, holding his eyes. Slowly, the Jaffa's face began
to change. An enormous grin evolved across his features,
spreading them wide into an uncharacteristic, and entirely
ominous - smile. HUGE smile! He held it there as he
backed away from Jack, coming to rest at the head of the bed
beside Daniel, where he took up a position with his arms
crossed across his chest, the big smile still firmly in place.
Daniel looked pretty happy
himself. Damned happy. Positively smug. Jack
began to wonder why the sudden sight of such unexpected
happiness from the previously blue and unrelentingly petulant
was starting to make him feel extremely nervous.
Maybe he'd been looking
to the wrong team member for support.
"Carter? Help me out
He turned to his 21C
only to discover she was now LYING on the floor in a giggling
ball, hugging herself as she laughed with unrestrained abandon
bordering on the hysterical.
No joy there. Jack was
on his own.
“Perhaps you should go
and locate Doctor Frasier,” Teal’c boomed. “Major Carter
looks as if she is in need of assistance.”
“Ah, maybe I’ll just -
do that - little thing. Or something.” Jack started to back
away, beginning to feel decidedly – menaced.
“Oh, Jack,” Daniel said
quietly, a satisfied smile on his face. “When you least
expect it – “
“Expect it,” Teal’c
finished, in a voice sounding like the last trump of judgment.
Jack gestured weakly toward
the exit. “I think I hear my mommy calling," he gulped before
bolting from the room, looking back over his shoulder while
exiting stage right.
Teal’c turned to Daniel
and nodded. “You were correct, DanielJackson. That was
very enjoyable. I did not have to do anything at all, just
say that I did.”
grinned back at him. “You know that and I know that, but
he’ll go nuts waiting for something to happen that is never
going to happen. That is, until we let him off the hook.
Whenever. No rush. Let him stew for a while.
We’ll just see who gets the last laugh!”