DOWN PART ONE BY PHOENIXE
||Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed
relationship, which usually involves sex.
||Angst, First Time, Humour
||Pick one. Any time after season 3 Itty bitty spoiler
for Shades of Grey
||Jack and Daniel go head to head on the playing field
in an alien arena. One of them is going down!
||:Language. Skin. Lots and lots of skin.
||222 Kb Originally completed Mar 07. Posted here 1 Sep
Story Notes: This story was originally
written as a response to a monthly challenge on Pepe's list from a loooong,
long time ago. We were supposed to pick a story title from the issued
list and this is the one I chose. The month during which the challenge
was issued came and went, and the story languished on my hard drive, unfinished.
That is until I dusted it off and whipped it into shape for Chance and
the memorial zine I put together for her over a year ago. I had her very
much in mind while I was writing it. I hope I did her justice; pretty sure
she would have gotten a kick out of it. I think this is my ultimate Jack
and Daniel naked story, and not in the way one usually thinks of them being
together in the altogether. Certainly what I do to Daniel, well, read
it and find out. Heh. This story also contains what I personally feel
is the funniest line I've ever written. Still cracks me up every time I
see it. Anyone who wants to venture a guess, ask me and see if you're
right! Oh yeah, and those of you who have seen the 'In Our Hearts' version,
there is a new scene in this story, just after the gateroom scene. Enjoy!
whaddaya know, Daniel is almost smiling. That must mean he’s
wrapped things up with the Dodg and
we can book out of here. Excellent! The game is in five
hours, that leaves us plenty of time
the treaty is signed,” Daniel announces
and then heaves a huge sigh.
But? Whaddaya mean, but? Don’t wanna hear
no buts, buts are generally
not good and also usually mean I’m
not gonna get home
in time to see my game!
“But?” I snap, and Daniel
I didn’t mean to sound so… but dammit,
enough is enough already!
negotiations have been dragging on for
days during which and it’s possible
I’ve been a tad…crusty, well, okay, a lot,
maybe, but I mean, this planet is so
damned vanilla, it’s not like
there’s been much for the rest of us
to do, other than Carter, that is,
while Daniel has been sequestered with
the Dodg and his council attempting
to persuade them to trust us with their
rocks. So okay,
I’ll come clean, I’ve been bored outta
my stinking skull with all the flowers,
statues and artsy fartsy crap the Quaar
have been subjecting the rest of us
to while Daniel’s been wheeling and
dealing, so consequently I may have
been riding the dear boy’s butt just
a bit, to get him to get them
to the finish line, and bless him, he’s
finally gone and done it, so now I should
be saying ‘good job’ or something else
supportive instead of giving him even more
of a hard time but…
don’t want any ‘buts’; I just want
to get our butts out of
can’t leave yet,” Daniel mutters,
hanging his head.
do not want to hear this!
at least I can’t go,” he
quickly adds, before I can get a word out.
“What? Whaddaya mean you
not liking the sounds of this; as much as
I’m hot to trot homeward now the job is
apparently done there’s no way I’m
leaving anyone behind, especially Daniel. He’d better bottom-line
this PDQ, because I’ve just about had
it with the Quaar and their weird-ass
customs and rituals, starting with
no one but Daniel being allowed anywhere
near the Dodg so we had to let him
go in that room – alone – day after
day, not having a clue what was going
on in there until they let him out
again hours and hours later.
I don’t care if the treaty has
finally been signed, if this is more of
their back-handed bullshit calculated to
further separate me from my archaeologist;
well, I’m about five seconds away from
pulling the plug and getting all of
us the hell out of here, they can shove
glances wearily at me, heaving another
just…hear me out,” he pleads.
“It’s okay, everything is fine,
like I said, the treaty is signed,
but – “
buts,” I interrupt.
“You say it’s over, it’s
signed, so we’re outta here, and that
means you too.
End of discussion.”
perfectly logical to me.
As well as non-negotiable.
will you just let me finish!”
Daniel angrily retorts, throwing his hands
in the air.
“The treaty is signed, yes, but
it’s not sealed, there’s a
slight…formality, a condition needing to
pauses, shoulders slumping, and throws me
a weak smile.
you know how they are.”
heeeeere we go.
With these bozos, there’s always
Ever since we got here, there’s
been no such thing as point A to point B,
it’s one step forward, three steps
sideways, hurry up and wait, no you
can’t do this before you do that, and
guess what, you don’t get the fries
unless you take the hot apple pie too.
not this time, bucko, I’ve had enough of
their stupid crap!
order to make it official, we have to
observe a local custom,” Daniel
continues. “Or at least, as the lead
negotiator, I do. Apparently, in this
society engaging in this…activity, well,
that’s how they celebrate the successful
conclusion of any sort of deal, or
bargain, or well, anything, really,
from the community level right up to
matters of planet-wide import, which
is where we fall in.
So although the
treaty is for all intents and purposes
in the bag, as far as the Quaar are
concerned it won’t be a done deal unless
I do this.”
“What?” I demand. “What do you have
better not be anything involving any sort
of kinky sex ritual or Daniel having to
get engaged to the Dodg’s daughter. She’s a nice kid
and all, but ewwwww!
reiterate, I don’t care about the
stakes, I don’t like the sounds of this,
so too bad, so sad, adios amigos, we’ll
get our rocks somewhere else.
we have to play a game of Zot,” Daniel
“That is – I do.”
“What?” I blink. “A game? What are we talking
here, Checkers, Chess, Snakes and Ladders?
I finish, ever hopeful.
could be fun.
Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad.
And it shouldn’t take too long. Daniel’s pretty
good at that sort of thing. All is not lost,
Daniel whups their asses in an hour
or so, honour is satisfied, everybody’s
happy, we can take the treaty back
, hail the conquering heroes, tra la, once
we get through the post-mission stuff
I’ll still have plenty of time…
I can taste that nice cold brewski now.
quite,” Daniel smiles faintly.
It’s their national sport, and
it’s pretty popular.
As a matter of fact, you could
probably relate to the level of fanaticism
the Quaar have for it.”
what did he just say?
Danny, now you’re speaking my language! Finally, something
about this place is starting to sound
Daniel happily nods, encouraged, no doubt
my sudden spurt of enthusiasm. “As near as I can
figure, it’s somewhat like football.”
yeah! Now we’re talking!
I may have seriously misjudged
Any race nutso about football
can’t be all bad.
I’m starting to warm up to the
want us to play football?” I fire back
“That’s all we have to do, punt
a few with the local boys and we get
everything we want?”
it,” Daniel nods enthusiastically again,
so relieved I’m no longer giving him a
hard time about this he’s practically
hopping with glee.
that we will.
Lose that is. I mean, we’re
talking football here.
Teal’c is a total animal,
Carter’s not far behind and I’m not
exactly a slouch myself.
Daniel’s the only weak link, he
doesn’t quite have the killer instinct,
although I have tried; the boy’s a
hair on the squeamish side when it
comes to the really rough stuff, but
I’ll watch his six.
He’ll be fine.
I’m in!” I beam at Daniel and my other
“Football sounds fine, Daniel,
tell them to bring it on. SG-1 would be
pleased to mix it up on the Zot field for
the good of the Earth and the SGC.”
wait, Sir,” Carter chimes in with a huge
Another not-good sign.
And we were doing so well. Call me crazy but
I’m hearing another ‘but’ here.
I’m sorry, but…” Daniel begins,
Daniel, don’t tell me it’s one of
those stupid, macho male-only things,”
she grumbles, her face starting to seize
up with the beginning of a pout I’m
guessing will be about the size of Pluto
once it’s done.
break, Carter, hard as it is to believe,
once in a blue moon it does suck to be
sorry, Sam, but yeah,” Daniel shrugs. “No….um…women allowed.”
She fumes, crossing her arms and glowering
at all of us.
“This is so not fair!”
Carter,” I commiserate, patting her on
“Their rules, not ours. It looks
like you’re sitting this one out. You
know what Daniel always says, when in
Carter and Daniel shoot me the evil eye,
so I shut up.
What? I’m agreeing with
him for once, you think that would
make him happy! There
is just no pleasing this boy!
damn, this is a bit of a blow.
Losing Carter, that is. She really can kick
ass on the football field and honestly,
if I had to choose which one to cut
I’d have sidelined Daniel before Carter. Sure, Daniel is
prettier, but Carter is meaner.
did I just say?
Carter is out,” I carry on, after
shaking my head to clear whatever the hell
is in it making me say that…out. “That just leaves
the three of us but I think you, me
and the big guy here can more than
manage to carry the honour of the SGC. What? Why are you
looking at me like that? “
is he looking at me like that?
Daniel says again, biting his lower lip.
“What?” I snap at him. From the look on
his face he’s winding up to deliver
someone else a low blow, and for the
life of me I can’t think why. We’re all guys here,
what’s the problem?
Oh, maybe it’s Teal’c. The Quaar probably
have some sort of anti-Jaffa taboo
meaning he’s not gonna be allowed to
crap, that’s gonna suck, if we don’t
have Teal’c, then that just leaves…
I said before, I’m the only one who
absolutely has to do this, because
I represented Earth in the negotiations,
so my participation is mandatory,”
Daniel explains, unhappiness coming
off of him in waves.
No wonder, after having had
to stomp on Carter’s parade I’m guessing
he’s not looking forward to hurting
Teal’c’s feelings too. It’s okay, Daniel,
Teal’c can take it, it’s not like this
is the first time we’ve encountered
cultures having issues with
. I’m thinking the
big guy is kinda used to the ‘No Jaffa
Damn. That just leaves Daniel and
so good, not so good as me, Carter and
Teal’c, but, maybe it’ll be okay,
I’ll give the kid a pep talk, get his
blood going, we’ll turn him into an
it’ll be fine.
addition, Teal’c, although you are free
to decline, the Quaar would welcome your
participation as well,” Daniel
continues, without looking at me.
What? What did he just
say? The Quaar aren’t cutting Teal’c? Teal’c is in?
would be honoured, DanielJackson,”
Teal’c exclaims, with a deep bow of his
But someone is definitely still
it’s not Teal’c, and it’s not
Daniel, that means the cut-ee has to be…
Teal’c,” Daniel grins, barely able to
hide his relief.
“I really wasn’t looking
forward to doing this by myself.”
Hey! What am I – chopped
I jab Daniel’s shoulder to make
him look at me. “Football
playing colonel in the room here!”
Daniel’s eyes slide my way, and they
have a distinctly hunted look.
for crying out loud what possible
objection could the Quaar have against
me playing their
stupid stinking game?
Dodg wanted me to convey to you, with
extreme respect for you as our leader, the
Quaar recognize you will probably be
unable to participate, due to your…”
pauses, taking a deep breath and closing
his eyes before ploughing on.
“What?” I stare at him,
not getting it. “What
does that mean; I don’t have to play because I’m a colonel?”
still looking mighty unhappy, so that
can’t be it.
I believe the Quaar are suggesting you are
too old,” Teal’c helpfully supplies.
gaze quickly darts away.
that’s the one.
“Hey! Who’s old?”
I protest. Loudly. “And if you wanna
talk old – he’s way older than
me,” I jab my thumb back in Teal’c’s
he gets to play?”
my people I am considered mid-aged,”
Teal’c intones smugly.
Yeah, with that stone face, I know
it’s hard to tell, but trust me, I
smug when I see it, and right now the big
guy is enjoying this entirely too much.
not the only one.
excuse me, I forgot we’re talking
I glare at him.
he’s not a dog!” Daniel admonishes me,
know that!” I fire right back at him. “Just because his
counts for less than half of
my – “
me, Carter snickers.
I make like I’m ignoring her, but
believe me, I forget nothing.
might not have a snake but I’m not
exactly over the hill!”
rules, Sir,” Carter says with a huge,
“And like you reminded me
earlier, as Daniel is always saying, when
in – “
up, Carter,” I growl at her.
it up, Major, your turn is coming. When you least expect
it, expect it. I
will have my revenge. And as
for the other two, well, I’m not going
down without a fight.
Daniel, let me get this straight,” I
round on the main object of my ire, who
right now is looking like he’d rather
have a train run him over than face me.
I’m about two seconds away from finding
one for him.
the Dodg say I couldn’t play, or
just I didn’t have to on account
of my alleged decrepitude?”
said you were excused, but....” Daniel
mumbles, staring down at his boots.
And this one had butter, I mean
better be good.
“But?” I demand.
said he realized as our leader you would
naturally see it as your duty to
um…lead… but he didn’t think it
would be a very good idea given your
what the hell is that supposed to
It’s obvious I’m old?
Excuse me, having a bit of snow
on the roof doesn’t mean I’m past it
– or anywhere even near, and fifty
is not old!
Obvious? I’ll show them freaking
‘obvious’, I’ll – I’ll -
your expressed infirmities…” Daniel
finishes with a small grimace.
He’s talking about me running
my mouth about my knees the other morning
for the whole crappy council to hear. Well, that’s just
hoist on my own big mouth, that’ll learn
me to bitch in front of the natives. My knees aren’t
really, well, maybe
a little bit, but not nearly as much
as I was letting on; all right, I may have
been laying it on a bit thick
yesterday, and the day before, and
possibly at the state dinner the day
before that, but it was strictly tactical,
calculated bitching purely in the
interests of motivating Daniel to step
things up and get us the heck out of Dodg
– I mean Dodge.
what do you know, my own guilt ploy has
come around to bite me on the ass.
is a very physically demanding sport,”
Daniel is continuing.
“The players are considered to be
the best athletes on the planet. The Dodg was concerned
for your safety.
He has no wish to see you hurt.”
crap and crap, this changes everything,
even if I didn’t want to, which of
course I do, I have to play now. I can’t have these
guys, or my kids thinking I’m such
a feeb they’ll have to push me around
in a wheelchair from now on!
glare at Daniel, and he flushes and drops
his eyes again.
Dodg doesn’t have any problems with you
mixing it up with the big boys.” I grump
not,” Daniel shrugs.
can’t help but notice he refrains from
pointing out the obvious.
Sir, he is younger.
A lot younger. And in excellent
it would seem some other people
aren’t governed by a similar spirit of
you, Carter,” I snarl at her.
throws a nasty grin right back at me.
he is, Sir,” she adds, unnecessarily. “As we, and it would
seem the Dodg, can plainly see. Obviously.”
equally obvious to me some people don’t
know when to shut up.
is looking distinctly embarrassed at being
discussed, on top of his previously
regretted role of being the bearer of
that’s too damned bad; we’re not done
what’s the deal here, then, Daniel, am I
in or out?”
“Honestly, the Dodg would prefer
you to sit this one out, but…”
here we go again.
choice is yours Jack.
The Dodg believes it would not be
wise for you to participate, but again,
out of respect for you as our leader,
and realizing you, being you, you’ll
insist on playing, even if it’s a really
stupid thing to
this point I find myself wondering how the
Dodg of all people would know what I would
and wouldn’t want to do; it’s not like
we’ve done much bonding or talking,
even, he’s pretty much only ever deigned
to shoot the breeze with Daniel, but
we’ll leave that for another time. Right now I’ve got
to get a straight answer out of Doctor
line it for me, will you Daniel, before I
get any older.”
can play if you want to, the Dodg won’t
stop you, however, should you choose…to,
he wants it clearly understood the Quaar
accept no responsibility for the
I can play!”
I beam at him.
Daniel murmurs, you can, but – “
what?” I demand.
I don’t want you to take this the wrong
way, but maybe you should…maybe you
should re-think this, a bit. Possibly.”
a few of the players,” Daniel admits,
“Teal’c will be able to hold
his own, no problem, me…well, I’m
feeling…I’ll probably be okay, or,”
he breaks off and hangs his head,
“Or...not… but that’s neither here
nor there, I can’t not do it so
if I end up with some bumps and bruises,
well, that’s the way it goes, I’ll
bounce back, but Jack, I really think,
maybe, you should consider…”
doesn’t want to say it, but he’s
look at them, they all are.
don’t think I can cut it!
This consideration for my decrepitude
didn’t just come from the Dodg, Daniel
really thinks I’m gonna get hurt out
there, he’s behind me sitting it out
He doesn’t want me to play
because he thinks…
I might have a few years on you boy but
the day I can’t run rings around you on
a football field –
happen someday, sure, but today, is not
So can your concern, the whole
frigging lot of you, traitors! The Colonel is not
exactly ready for his walker yet! And no better time
than the present for proving I’m still
tell the Dodg I’m in,” I inform the
lot of them, daring any one of them, but
most especially Daniel, to say another
damned word about it.
hangs his head again, his shoulders
sagging in defeat.
he says in an
‘Oh God this is such a bad
idea’ tone of voice.
your funeral, Sir,” Carter chortles.
not, O’Neill, I will protect you,”
Teal’c generously offers.
hate them all.
‘Infirmity’, my earlobe, I’ll
show them ‘infirm’.
ye of little faith.
Go ahead, have your petty little
moment, enjoy yourselves, you’ll be
laughing out of the other side of your
asses; just you wait.
speaking of asses, they can all kiss mine
while they’re at it.
mind that, never mind that, the Zot boys
are going down, and so, my so-called
‘friends’ are you.
Daniel, I’m guessing you didn’t
‘figure’ on any of this.”
The man behind me ventures. “No, I – um – that
is…they didn’t happen to mention…”
of an important detail to leave out,
don’t you think?”
I snarl over my shoulder at him,
and then as quickly turn back…because…
this sort of…”
On Earth, in Ancient Greece, as
I’m sure you’re aware, the original
Olympic games; all of the athletes
participated – “
I warn him.
“The ‘ancient’ part aside,
which I am not, despite recent
expressed opinions to the contrary, need I
remind you we are not
on Earth and none of us are
Greek – including any of these guys!”
we’re not,” Daniel chortles, “But
apparently we’re still – “
“Daniel! Do not make me hurt
“I’m sorry I didn’t get all
the details, beforehand, but like you say
I’m always saying – “
if you want to live to see tomorrow, never
mind the next ten minutes do not
that,” Daniel abruptly switches tracks. “Where the heck
did you come up with that anyway, I
do not always say that – I’ve never
do not believe what I’m hearing.
Only Daniel could fixate on
something so trivial in the face of all
this going on around
us, and God only knows what else about
to happen to us!
I wish I wuz dead.
thinking Carter is gonna be mighty glad
she got to sit this one out after all. She’s probably in
the nice comfy box seats with the Dodg
and his buddies, having a cold one
or several, with absolutely no
idea she’s gonna get way more
of a show than she bargained for. Hell, way more than
any of us counted
and my big fat ego, if I’d kept my mouth
shut I coulda been up there with her as
well, in the clear.
whole lot more…less…the way I am now. Instead of here.
that could have been me, Colonel Safe and
Sidelined and definitely not…flappin’
in the breeze, but oh no, I had to be
da man, prove I
could hold my own with the big boys.
had no idea just how big they
the hell have I gotten myself into?
now I’m doing my best to not stare at
the naked back in front of me, but it’s
not easy, the way we’re packed in here,
there’s really not much else to look
at and the back in question, ye gods,
acres of bare skin and solid bone and
muscles going on for days, this guy
is built like…well, he’s built, let’s
leave it at that.
I swear to God, he makes Teal’c
And there’s a hell of a lot more
of where he came from on display, a
whole line of two-legged tanks ahead
of me, hulking and…hanging, waiting
for what I’m not exactly sure, but
whatever it is, we’re all standing
here in the weirdest locker room I’ve
ever seen waiting for it.
yeah, did I mention we’re naked?
All those guys ahead of me –
and the two members of my team behind
without saying, me too?
my God, the testosterone level in the room
alone is enough to give a guy the bends. Not to mention a
serious case of…insecurity.
I work out.
Gotta keep fit, the sort of work we
do, and Lord knows it seems like we’re
running for our lives every other day so
it’s not like I don’t get my fair
share of exercise.
So, that is to say, I’m not
exactly out of shape or anything, hell,
before this I thought I was in pretty
but now, wedged between two dozen guys
who look more pumped than Arnold’s
steroids on steroids not to mention my own
pretty damned buff team mates, neither of
which I can look in the eye at the
Not to mention distinctly…saggy.
And completely unprepared for
the horrifying prospect of having to
run my flabby old ass all over the
playing field with my rear flank, and
everything else - completely exposed.
God could this day get any worse?
Sam!” From behind me, Daniel gasps. “She’s gonna – we’re
gonna be – she’s gonna - omigawd!”
worked that out, didya?” I shoot over my
shoulder, without looking back. “In the interests
of salvaging what little is gonna be
left of our collective dignities, we
could always kill her afterwards.”
thinking it would be best if you kill me
me, I’m considering it.
not getting off that easy,” I snarl at
starts to make noises like he’s choking
on something but before I have a chance to
turn around and investigate the guy
a couple of guys in front of me is
ushered into a cubicle, looks like
a shower stall. What
the heck is this we’re taking a shower
before the game?
But, I guess, when you consider
what we’re doing, and where, odd, what
does that mean, exactly?
I mean, look at what we do
practically every day, as a matter of
course, the whole going through the ole
oriface thing, just to get to work,
if you wanna talk ‘odd’, I guess to
the average Joe, Earthside, I’m sure
that would seem damned peculiar, while
to us it’s no biggie, practically routine,
just the SGC version of the morning
what the hell is odd?
I don’t even know any more.
we’re moving again.
Another guy has stepped into the
I haven’t seen anyone come out,
so presumably the exit must be on the
Where we can’t see it.
Well, that is, if there is one, and
everyone who goes in, does indeed come
live in hope.
what the hell is this booth thing all
there’s no harm in asking.
Not that it’s done me a whole lot
of good so far.
– I have no idea,” the man behind me
like you didn’t know we had to be
you know anything?”
you got me; I’m getting slightly snarky
Bite me; I’ve had just about as
many surprises today as I can stand. And I have a horrible
feeling the day is far from over.
you know,” Daniel begins in his ‘I’m
just going to ignore the attitude’ voice
I’ve become all too familiar with over
“How in football, the object of
the game is to get the…thingee…across
the finish line?”
would be the football, through the goal
post, and yeah?”
no, now what?
“Whatever. Apparently in Zot,
while getting across the….goal line
is definitely the object of the game,
there is no actual ball involved. Actually.”
know I’m gonna hate myself for asking
if it’s not a ball, what is it we are
trying to get across?
While the other team is, I’m
presuming, doing its best to stop us
from doing so?”
would be the Zarder,” Daniel gives up
with a small sigh.
a which or a what, a who.
A person,” Daniel says brightly. “Usually the fastest
runner on the team, and the most agile,
being as how they have to elude the
members of the opposing team doing
their best to stop him. Of course.”
bastards. Whoever these schmucks are, they
can’t have a very long life expectancy. Must be some kind
of punishment, or something, maybe
it’s this world’s version of the death
penalty, they don’t hang ‘em, gas ‘em
or inject ‘em, they send them out naked
and give a bunch of bruisers license
to mash them into the Astroturf. Repeatedly. Trust me, from what
I’ve seen, having a few of these guys
land on you, several times, yeah, that
would do it, all right. Game over. Ye gods,
I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes
it’s the fastest runner, but not
always,” Daniel quietly continues.
“There are other…criteria governing
the appointment, especially in special
circumstances, such as a match like this
chosen as the Zarder, it’s considered
the highest honour the Quaar can bestow
upon an individual in this society.”
What? What did he just
say? And why
am I suddenly getting this very, very
how is it you know this, and yet,
the little teeny tiny naked
detail…how did that one manage
to slip by you?”
is all I get back.
it never ceases to amaze me how this guy
can go on for decades about stuff
I don’t give a crap about; when he’s
giving forth with the tedious minutiae
he’s a virtual verbal frigging fount of babbeldom; but
when it comes down to something I really
do want to know
about, and he doesn’t
want to give, these
bouts of convenient inarticulateness
he’s suddenly struck with…
pretty damned inconvenient!
Whoa! It’s my turn to
go into the booth!
When did this happen? A panel is sliding
open, there’s a little guy standing
by the opening – fully clothed, I might
add - holding a folded stack of – what
are those, towels?
the shower I presume.
bless, Kal-nel,” the little guy beams,
and hands me a towel.
of their local deities,” Daniel mutters
under his breath.
“He’s wishing you good luck.”
so you can
talk again, can you?
Thanks for nothing; even though I
don’t know Badda, I kinda got that.
bub,” I smile at the dude and start to
unfold my towel.
this is, it’s definitely not a towel. Oh no, I should
be so lucky. Not
a towel, not a towel, I’ll tell you
what it looks like, looks like a frigging
big balloon. Really big. What the hell
is this, and what am I supposed to do
this point, though, possibly the question
I should be asking myself is do I really
want to know, followed by where the fuck
is the nearest exit and how do I get
it up, O’Neill, you got yourself into
You could be in the clear right
now, but you had to go and be you, thereby
landing yourself right in the middle of
it, so shut up and deal.
Besides, there’s Daniel to
He doesn’t have a choice. Even
though we are, admittedly, a tad pissed at
the dear boy, there’s no way we’re
sending him out there alone. No one gets left
behind, or hung out to dry. We’re SG-1; we stick…and
we’re gonna have to run around on a
football field naked and throw ourselves
on a bunch of other naked guys for an hour
So, we get a few bumps and bruises
in the bargain.
So Carter, not to mention a whole
bunch of other people we’ll probably
never ever meet, and thank God for that,
get an eyeful.
Other than the expiring from
embarrassment potential inherent in the
exercise, not like any of the
aforementioned is gonna kill us, or
much worse can it get?
Kal-nel, like this,” the
balloon-dispenser makes a motion like
he’s pulling something over his head. And suddenly this
thing I’m holding in my hands is looking
a lot less like a balloon and much
more like a giant condom.
must…for your own protection.”
really wish he hadn’t said that.
now my mind is going places even I never
dreamt it capable.
I’m so freaked out I’m actually
capitulating without a whimper or a
roar; as instructed I’m stretching
this thing out and applying it to the
top of my head and…pulling.
Fuck! This is me doing
a sausage imitation; my entire head
from the top right down to my shoulders
a minute, hold the phone, no need to
flip out, this isn’t so bad, it’s weird,
but I can breathe okay, see just fine…
I am so
going to kill you for this.”
problem talking, either.
know,” the man behind me wearily says,
stepping forward to get his own cranial
Little dude hands it to him, and
then motions for me to step through the
sliding panel in the box into – well,
at this point I don’t even want to
well, into the box with me,” I say with
as much bravado as a naked man with a
giant condom on his head about to do
something even stupider, I’m sure, can
luck, O’Neill,” the up until now
member of our party suddenly chimes
in. I don’t
know if he’s been schtum all this time
from shock, amusement or just laying
low in order to stay off my radar,
but for some odd reason I can’t help
feeling by choosing this particular
juncture at which to abruptly re-enter the
laughing on the inside plenty.
it, Daniel, I will deal with you later,”
I snap at him, before swaggering forward.
instant I cross the threshold the panel
slides back, leaving me in the dark. Even more so than
usual, that is. Speaking
of dark, that’s what it is, in here,
all right, very, very, extremely, not
space. Did I
mention it’s dark in here?
Kinda…funky odour, a very
distinct aroma; familiar, I think, but
can’t quite place it.
here we are, still in the dark.
Still in the box. Still Jack. In the box. Jack in the box. Yeah, I still got
it. Or I’m losing
it; take your pick.
is this thing on?
does sensory deprivation work this fast? No panicking, here,
Jack, it’s just been a couple of seconds. These are friends,
impending allies, we can trust them;
there’s no way this is anything really…bad,
or potentially fatal.
a minute; what’s this, now?
Ah, light, not much, but at least
this is new.
Now we know what smells.
Aside from this entire situation,
A faint cloud of stinky mist is
oozing into the box, and all over me.
Whoa, what is this stuff, feels sorta
slick, really oily.
Getting kinda coated, here. Glad this shit isn’t
going in my eyes.
That’d sting, I’m guessing.
the head baggie, starting to make a lot
more sense, now.
whatever this stuff is, it’s gonna be a
bitch to get off.
Holy buckets, you want to talk
greased pig here, or what. Oh crap, I get
it. Definitely catching onto the method
behind all this seeming madness. Greased pig. That’s
exactly what I am.
One slicked up porker prepped
for the playing field. Shucked and slicked.
the more difficult to hang onto you, my
this is just peachy.
Not only do I feel like a
first-class turkey, I’m gonna look like
one too. Pre-basted and everything.
look, I’m done!
being sucked out of box, there goes the
light, and oh goody, sliding panel in
front of me, must be the exit. Whatever it is,
I’m taking it.
am so out of here.
The box, that is, but not the whole
still game for the game, God only knows
on here, I know I should be booking but
Daniel is next in line for the box and
I’m betting the farm this is something
else Anthroboy, didn’t ‘figure’ on. Yeah, he’s gonna
come in here, right on my heels and
it would so make my day to be
able to see his face when the stuff
starts shooting out all over him. Yeah, he’ll be quite
the sight, all right, naked, oiled
to the eyeballs, entire body glistening,
every single inch of him greased, slick,
Hard-ons, I can’t believe I’m thinking
about Daniel – like that – and it’s
this is so
not the time for this!
shoot out of the box like my ass is on
fire, and any concerns I might have about
errant, and completely inappropriate
thoughts and their extremely inconvenient
– and obvious - consequences, no longer
As soon as my foot hits the tile on
the floor outside the box, crap! This stuff is really,
I’m skidding across the floor,
flailing my arms madly, momentarily
managing to keep my balance thereby barely
avoiding making a one point ass-landing in
front of the entire, oiled assemblage.
Goddammit! I’m just about up
to my eyeballs with weird; can I get
off this rollercoaster ride now?
We have you, Kal-nel!”
couple of chuckling guys grab me by the
arms before I coast clear across the room
on my fricking heels.
Mighty glad someone is finding
this funny; personally, I am not amused.
I – uh,” I shrug them off, and start
ripping my used condom off my head. I wrestle the damned
thing off and the guy on the right
takes the discard while the guy on
the left is handing me…
this now; looks like....
like a skirt.
wait a minute, the guys all around me;
they’ve all got one too.
Only they’re already wearing
theirs not staring at them trying to
figure which fricking end is up. They’re all wearing
skirts. Uniforms? We get uniforms? We don’t got to
go out there dishabille? Au naturel? Sans clothing? El nudo? No running around
on alien Astroturf for an unspecified
length of time…naked?
Uniforms! Thank God!
that is, if you can call belts with bits
of material attached to them…uniforms.
I’ll take it!
Whoa, not a lot of coverage here,
front or back, but still, be it ever so
brief, it’s way better than the former
option, which was nothing at all. Let me see, what’s
the deal here. This
thing goes around the waist, okay,
that much I get. This
goes in front, this in back, but what’s
with this pouch…thing.
That’s where Mister Happy goes. Oh, joy. Not so much an athletic
supporter as a…suspender.
Jack, it goes like – “ Daniel sounds
from behind, reaching for the hunk of
material in my hands, no doubt figuring
I’m too mentally feeble to figure it
guess who’s finally joined the party. Forget it, pal,
even though the band-aid with delusions
of grandeur I’ve been issued softens
the sting somewhat, I’m still pissed
got it!” I snarl at him, slapping his
hand away and keeping my back to him while
struggling to fit my private parts into
the provided pouch.
Okay, that’s tucked, now, this
goes around here, tie it off there.
albeit briefly, but covered, nonetheless,
and thankfully so is Daniel. Uh oh. Danger, Will Robinson,
The thing I’m wearing is green. Daniel’s is blue.
on opposite teams!”
I blurt out indignantly. Which pretty much
sums up the way I’m feeling; us getting
split up is definitely not the scenario
I expected or anticipated, what the
what is up here, why would they put
us against each other?
worse than that, actually,” Daniel
informs me with a weak grin.
Worse? Worse than being
sent out nearly naked and greased within
an inch of our lives, and having to
go against each other? What could be worse
believe Daniel Jackson is correct,”
Teal’c adds, stepping around Daniel,
moving to my side.
“We appear to have been placed in
a situation we did not anticipate when we
agreed to participate in this contest.”
staring at Teal’c, and if I thought I
had coverage issues…
my alarm level is officially way over the
limit, but it has nothing to do with what
is or isn’t almost covering most of
the important bits of Teal’c’s anatomy,
it’s the colour of what is…
band-aid is white, with a green stripe
along the bottom of the front and
A quick glance around at our fellow
players, the gaggle of guys collecting
around Daniel and me confirms this
horrible sensation gathering steam in
my gut. At
this point I finally comprehend the
true depth of the hole I have so stupidly
dug for myself.
also get why both the Dodg and Daniel were
so dead set against me doing this.
in the room who isn’t Daniel or me is
wearing white whatevers too. All white, except
for a stripe of either green or blue
along the bottoms of the skirt panels. The ones behind
me are green stripers. Behind Daniel –
blue. Daniel and me, we’re the only
ones with solid-coloured mud-flaps.
are so hooped.
I growl at him.
“Exactly when were you
going to tell me about this?”
The son of a bitch knew all along.
I know he knew.
he stutters, turning a deep red. “I tried to, before,
when I told you maybe it wouldn’t be
a good idea, if you played, not just
because of…” he inclines his head towards
the line of smiling blue-striped bruisers
forming behind him.
also because of…” he finishes,
glancing down at his crotch.
“It was a given I was going to
have to be a Zarder,” he says with a
“There was no way I could get out
The whole ‘honour’ thing,” he
adds with a grimace.
“I couldn’t agree to play and
And I couldn’t not play,”
“So there you go.”
yeah,” I bite back at him.
“They’re doing you a real
The chance to get stomped to death,
repeatedly, by seven, eight, no, make that
eleven guys the size of the Hulk,
what’s not to love about that? Who wouldn’t jump
at the chance?”
Jackson did previously inform you the
Quaar consider being granted the privilege
of serving as Zarder a great
accomplishment and honour in this
society,” Teal’c smoothly interjects. “Naturally they
would not wish to insult us, or our
lead negotiator, by not allowing him
to achieve this distinction himself.”
I say sarcastically.
was really glad when Teal’c agreed to
play,” Daniel explains.
“I knew as Earth’s only other
official representative on the field, he
would automatically be made the other
honour I would gladly have accepted,
DanielJackson,” Teal’c says loftily.
assuming I’d done the sensible thing and
stayed out of it,” I snarl at them.
there’s that,” Daniel murmurs and
me see if I understand this correctly,”
I begin, calmly, reasonably, not even
“You wanted me to stay out of it,
and Teal’c to be the other Zarder
because you knew he’d have a better
chance of avoiding being killed, than
probably right about that one, and we both
know it, but he’s not fooling me for an
yeah,” Daniel agrees, far too quickly.
bastard I have you now.
concern for my safety touches me deeply. And that’s what
this was all about, you wanting to
keep me out of it because you were
thinking of protecting me and were
not, in fact, trying to pull one over
on me, that is, if Teal’c went in,
and I didn’t, you wouldn’t have had to
tell me about any of this, most
importantly the fact you were going
to have to be in a position of potentially
getting the snot kicked out of you by
every member of the opposing team –
until well after the fact.”
would have told you,” Daniel lies. “Even if you hadn’t
insisted on playing.
And now you are, because you’re
our leader, well, naturally, it
will gladly concede the honour to you,”
Teal’c says with a deep bow.
thank you so much!”
I snarl at him.
goes without saying refusing…wouldn’t
go over well.”
Daniel says in a low voice,
crossing over to me and taking my arm. Hmmmm, I’m starting to
get a distinct…vibe from the guys gathered
all around us, waiting, no doubt, for
us to stop yakking and commence with
the killing, I won’t say it’s exactly
hostile, but then
you wanna…calm down?”
Daniel mutters at me.
The guys, they’re…”
I have noticed the natives are getting a
Not to mention a bit prickly.
don’t understand why you’re upset. They think – “
know what the hell they think,” I finish
Namely, I should be jumping for joy
at the chance I’m being graciously given
to get the snot pounded out of me by a
bunch of nearly but not entirely naked
tanks on legs, and not…
“Jack, you don’t have
to do this, there’s still time to…”
“To do what? Quit?
Jam out? Admit I can’t cut it?
Tuck my tail between my legs and run?”
I fire right back at him. I can’t believe
he’s saying this to me, can’t believe
for one damn minute he thinks we both
think not only am I not up to this
but he further thinks I’d bail and
leave him because I’m…
This is just the last
stinking straw! Nobody
calls me chicken!
How pissed I am at
his last so not helpful suggestion
must be sprawled all over my face ‘cause
he draws back, lifting his hands in a
gesture of surrender.
“Jack, I didn’t mean
“Save it, geekboy,”
I snarl at him, stepping back to join
my guys. “You
and your Smurfs are going down!”
“Jack, this isn’t
personal,” Daniel eyes me warily, the
boys in blue forming an extremely stalwart,
and intimidating line behind him.
“Sez you,” I sneer. “From where I’m
standing it’s looking very personal. I hope you enjoy
sucking alien Astroturf, ‘cause you’re
gonna be doing it a lot!”
Daniel’s face shuts
down, his eyes getting that deadly,
icy blue he usually reserves for System
Lords and other assholes who think
they’re gonna break or best him.
Oooh, he’s pissed.
Too damn bad, I’m not exactly
turning cartwheels of joy myself, here.
Glare away, bucko;
you don’t scare me.
Ain’t gonna get the best of me
“Bring it on, Old
Man,” he says cruelly, in
a voice cold enough to freeze the balls
off a buffalo.
With a particular emphasis on the
old not escaping my allegedly decrepit
Oh, oh, I am wounded
to the core.
So, we’re really
fighting dirty, are we?
I can do dirty.
I can do you too,
your whole stinking team, too.
“Blow it out your
waaahzoo,” I snarl at him.
“Oh, I don’t think
“O’Neill,” the big
guy chimes in, interrupting our verbal
pissing contest and scaring the snot
out of me in the bargain.
“What?” I yell at him.
“I do not believe
it would be wise for the two of you
to enter into this situation with your
judgment clouded by emotionalism.”
“When I want your
advice I’ll ask for it,” I silence
him with a curt command.
“Dead man walking!”
I taunt Daniel one last time before
turning my back on him, and turning to my
“Come on guys, let’s
show these losers how it’s done and
win one for the Gipper!”
If my team got the
Gipper thing or not, they don’t let
on, instead they let out a huge cheer,
grab me by the arms, and start pushing me
towards a big set of double doors on the
other side of the room.
Ah, this is it.
I’m on the way to my destiny. The die is cast,
the ball’s in play, it’s now or never,
do or die, no turning back, abandon
hope, all ye who exit here. Done some big talking;
now I’ve got to deliver. Coming back a winner,
or not coming at all.
I mean coming back. Not coming. Back. Coming back.
Ah, screw it; let’s
get this over with already.
First, I have to kill my linguist.
Nothing personal, just on
Then, we’ll worry about whatever
this thing is that’s been…these weird
thoughts I’ve been having about,
reactions to… to Daniel.
And as for the boy
himself, yeah, he’s in a snit now and
for sure he’ll be doubly displeased
with me once I whup his ass out there, but
when he calms down, he’ll be fine.
He will be fine, right.
Sure he will. Why wouldn’t he
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