BOLD: denotes simultaneous speakers.

<Italics>: denotes whispers.

“We should go.”

“Come on Sam, don’t chicken out on me now.”

“But Daniel’s Jeep isn’t here.”

“The colonel’s truck is.  Trust me, Daniel is here.”

“I don’t know, Janet, I’m thinking this is a bad idea.”

“Then stop thinking, and – ewwww!  What the hell is that?”

“I didn’t know the colonel had a dog.”

“Well if he doesn’t, somebody does.  Gah, I just bought these shoes!”

“Wait, a minute, wait a minute what are you doing? Janet, quit leaning, you’re gonna knock me over!”

“Shut up and hold me up, I gotta…uh…there, got it.  See.”

“Ewww!  Don’t wave that thing under my nose, it’s disgusting.”

“Brand new two hundred dollar shoes and they’ve got dog crap all over them.  Well, this is just great!”

“So, scrape it off or something – don’t - don't...wave it around. The smell is making me sick.”

“Screw it.”

“What did you do that for?”

“Why not, one's ruined anyway and the other's no good without it.  No point in gimping around on one shoe.”

“Can we just...focus?  If we’re gonna do this, then lets…and get it over with before…”

“What’s the matter, scared?”

“Well, yeah!  In case you’ve forgotten we’re skulking around in the colonel’s yard, a colonel who happens to be a superior officer to both of us and my immediate boss and team leader, with a video camera and the intention of engaging in some highly illegal surveillance.  What’s not to be scared about?”

“Could we be charged for illegally surveilling some extremely illegal activities?”

“I don’t know, and I sure don’t want to find out!”

“Okay, okay, keep your shirt on cookie, we’ll get in, get it done, get out, they’ll never know we were here. Lead on, and watch out for the - ”

“Shit.  Yeah, I got it. Stop giggling!”

“I can’t help it, the grass is tickling my feet.  Feels all…squishy between my toes.”

“Walk on your hands, then just…shut up!”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a mean drunk?”

“I am not drunk.  At least not nearly enough for this!”

“OW!  Why did you stop – “

“Quiet!  We’re right under the colonel’s bedroom window!”

“Oooh!  Are they in there?  What are they doing?”

“The curtains are open but I can’t see - stop pushing!”

“Get out of the way, I wanna see!”

“You can’t.  We didn’t bring a stepladder.”

“Mean, just mean.  Give me a boost, then.”

“This is such a bad idea. And stop pushing you’re gonna make me – awww, dammit, I dropped the camera.”

“Ladies?”

“Colonel!”

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, Major, I live here, but don’t you think I should be the one asking the questions?”

“He’s got a point, Sam.  What was the question again?”

“What are you two charming, and it would seem slightly inebriated ladies doing in my yard at…oh, would you look at the time, oh-two-thirty hours?”

“You wanna take it?”

“No, you, he’s your boss.”

“It was your idea.”

“Oh, I see, you’re gonna throw that in my face now.”

“Would somebody please elucidate?”

“Would you believe we took a wrong turn at Albuquerque?”

“No. Try again.”

“How about zigged when we should have zagged?”

“Jack?  What’s goin’ on?”

“Oh look, the other one!  See, I told you he was here!”

“Hey Daniel, look, we’ve got company.”

“Sam?  Janet? What are you doing here?”

“We’ve done this one already, Dannyboy.  So far not making much headway in the explanations department, though.”

“Wow, no wonder!  I’m gonna move upwind before I get a contact drunk from the fumes!”

“They’ve both got their clothes on.”

“I noticed.  Damn.”

“What?”

“Ladies? Daniel?  Let’s take this inside, shall we?”

“Inside…”

“Sam, cut it out!”

“He said…inside…”

“Carter, are you cracked?”

“I have no idea what’s going on here, Jack, I’ve never seen either one of them like this.  And, drunk or sober,  what the hell are they doing here?”

“You got me, Daniel, oh for crying out loud, there goes the other one, have I got something on my face, or something?”

“Search me.”

“Well, we’d better get them inside before they wake up the neighbours or have a stroke on the lawn.”

“The death of a thousand laughs?”

“Something like that.  I’ve got ‘Giggle’s here, how about you escort the chortling physician.”

“Right behind you, Jack.”

“There they go again. Maybe we’d better just…shut up.  Until we get into the house.”

“Okay, here we are, why don’t you both just sit down and we’ll get to the bottom of this.”

“Bottom! Omigawd!”

“Was it something I said?”

“Apparently.”

“Janet?  Where are you going?”

“I need a beer.”

“Oooh!  What a great idea, get me one too!”

“You got it, honeychile.”

“Wait a minute, don’t you think you’ve had enough – Daniel?”

“I’ve got it.  Ah Janet, wait up.  Um…not meaning to be nosey or anything, but where are your shoes?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Well, that’s one problem dealt with, and now for the other one.”

“I wouldn’t mess with her if I were him.  She’s short but she’s mean.  Trust me!”

“Carter – “

“You never call me Sam.  How come you never call me Sam?”

“What?  Well, I – I – you’re Carter, I mean, that’s your name.”

“My name is Sam.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but…well, in my head, you’re Carter.”

“I am, aren’t I?  To you, that is.  And I always have been.”

“Yeah…”

“I guess that should have told me something right there, I just wasn’t listening.”

“Carter, what is this all about? What the - was that Daniel?  Yelping?”

“I told you she was mean.”

“Janet?”

“Here you go, honey, drink up.”

“Thanks, sweetie.”

“Ah.  You got the beers.  The beers Daniel was supposed to stop you from getting.  Speaking of Daniel, where is he?”

“Indisposed.  It was strictly self defense.”

“Daniel!”

“Ah, sit down, Colonel, and relax.  I didn’t do any permanent damage.”

“OW!”

“Daniel?”

“See, told ya.  He’ll live.”

<Janet!  What did you do to Daniel?>

<He tried to come between me and our beers, what do you think I did to him?>

<You didn’t!>

<Did.  He had it coming.  I warned him.  Men, they never listen.>

“Holy crap, what did she do to you?”

“I don’t want to say. I'm doubled over in agony and singing soprano. Use your imagination.”

“From the way you’re walking, I don’t have to! You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah. Eventually. But I don’t think I’ll ever play the piano again.”

“I’m a doctor, you’ll be fine.”

“Oookay.  Well, just to bring you both up to speed, while you were gone Carter and I were discussing forms of address.”

“Why he never calls me Sam.”

“Why did you start without me?”

“I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Daniel, where are you going? You just got back.”

“I know, but I need a beer.  And so do you.”

“Clarify one point for me before you go.  Did we or did we not walk through my front door to get to where we are.  I know it looks like my living room but from where I'm sitting it feels like on the way from there to here we took a sharp right turn into the Twilight Zone.”

“Why are you asking me?  All I signed up for when I arrived here tonight was spending a quiet evening with…my best friend.  My nuts and I definitely had no expectations of Thelma and Louise here showing up.”

“Go get those beers.”

“Going.”

“So, Thelma, getting back to my original question…”

“I’m Thelma, she’s Louise.”

“I dunno, I always thought I was more like Geena Davis.”

“You’re too short to be Geena Davis.”

“I wanna be Geena Davis!”

“Okay, God!  Don’t be such a baby!”

“Daniel!  Where’s that beer?”

“Here you go.  Make it last.  You’re out.”

“Oooh, beer run!  Come on, Daniel, you’re driving.”

“No, he can’t go, he doesn’t have his Jeep here, remember!”

“He can use the colonel’s truck, I’m sure he lets him drive it, after all, they’re – “

“Shut up!  Don’t say anything more.  We don’t want them to know we know, because then they’ll know!”

“Wha-wha-what?”

“Nobody’s going anywhere until I find out what the hell is going on here!”

“Jack, they’re both so potted we could use them for planters.  I don’t think they even know why they’re here, never mind being able to explain themselves.  We’re certainly not going to be able to find out anything…coherent…until they’ve both slept it off.  Maybe I should just…drop them off…on my way…home.  So they can do that.  That is if you don’t mind lending me your truck…”

“No!”

“No, Daniel, don’t go.  You don’t have to leave just because we’re…

“We’ll call a cab, we don’t need you to – we can just…we can just go.”

“I don’t know if we should turn them loose on an unsuspecting city in this condition.  But you’re right, Daniel, neither one of them is making a lot of sense right now, maybe we should let them sleep it off here.  That way they’ll be safe and…”

“Contained?”

“Yeah.  That too.”

“Oh my God...”

“What is it, Janet, what’s wrong.”

“Jack, she doesn’t look too good.”

“Well, that settles it, neither one of them are going anywhere.”

“I feel sick…”

“Except – “

“I got it, I’ll take her.”

“Oh God, I’m gonna throw up.”

“Hurry!”

“That’s just great.  How you doing, Carter, you gotta honk too?”

“Nope.  I’m good.”

“So…”

“So.”

“Too bad…”

“What?”

“No, it’s nothing, never mind.”

“What are you doing here, Carter?  I don’t care what Daniel thinks, you're a bit...potted, but you're not blotto.”

“It’s just…you know I used to…well, I used to have…feelings for you.”

“Carter, I don’t think this is a good time to have this particular conversation, or if there is any good time, for that matter, in fact, I’d really rather not – “

“You wanted to know why I was here.”

“Yeah…”

“For a long time now, I thought, well, I thought – “

“I never said I loved you, Carter.  Never.”

“No Sir, you didn’t.  'Cared for her more than I should'.”

“Means exactly that.  Nothing more.”

“I know that…now.  But at the time…”

“You heard what you wanted to hear.”

“Yeah, I guess I did.  But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve had occasion, recently, to do some serious thinking, about…us.”

“There is no ‘us’ Carter.  There never was, and never could have been.”

“Because you don’t – never did…feel that way, about me.”

“And…”

“I don’t feel that way about you, either. I thought I did, but I don’t. Not really.”

“Because…”

“Because...if I had – loved you, that is, really loved you and not the idea of being in love with you, I’d have done something about it.  I’d have transferred off the SG-1, resigned my commission, something, anything, so we could be together.  If you love someone, I mean, really love someone, you don’t let anything stand in the way.”

“No.  You don’t.”

“I get that now.”

“That’s…that’s good.  Glad to hear it.  So…that’s it?  We’re good?”

“Yeah, Sir.  We’re good.”

“You’re sure? There’s nothing else you want to tell me?”

“Positive, Sir.”

“As much as I appreciate clearing the air, couldn’t this have waited ‘til morning?  And I’m not quite clear why you needed to bring Janet along – “

“Come on, blue eyes, We’re missing all the fun.”

“Blue eyes?”

“Don’t ask.  I have no idea.”

“So, how is the patient? And what’s with the sweats?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.  Had to borrow them, my jeans, and my shoes, kinda…”

“Ewwww?”

“Yeah, she yakked all over them.”

“But I’m feeling much better now. I’m a doctor, I should know.”

“Well, I’m not, but I can make an educated guess your medical judgment is severely impaired, as are you, and you are therefore not currently qualified to make any sort of diagnosis, especially about yourself.”

“Well, you’re no fun anymore.”

“All right, okay, this is getting entirely too surreal for me.  You ladies are welcome to be my guests for tonight – or what’s left of it.  By all means, if you don’t mind sharing, the guest room is all yours. Stay, sleep it off, we’ll sort it all out in the morning.”

“We don’t mind.  Daniel, you’re staying over too, right?”

“Um…well, it is kinda late to be…”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s staying.  Ladies, spare bedroom is this way, Daniel you know where the couch is.  Let’s all get some sleep, for God’s sake.”

“Can you hear anything?”

“Shhhh, keep quiet.  We want them to think we’ve passed out.”

“We’re wasting our time, Daniel is gonna stay on the couch, there’s no way they’re gonna take a chance on sleeping together in the colonel’s bed while we’re in the house.”

“I tell you, just be patient, give it a little longer.”

“I’m getting sleepy, I can’t stay awake – OW!”

“Keep your eyes open or I’ll pinch you again!”

“You do that again and I’ll punch you!”

“Shhhhh! I think I can hear…..yeah, there he goes, that’s a good boy Daniel.”

“Oh no way, he’s actually doing it.  Sneaking down the hall to the colonel’s room.  Omigawd!”

“Okay, so, the plan is back on, oh damn – the camcorder is still outside!  We’ll never find it out there in the dark, in time, especially if they start getting busy right away.  And we don’t want to be stumbling around in the dark right under their window again.”

“Not to worry, we’ll find it, and we won’t be in the dark.”

“Sam!  Flashlight!  You’re a genius, I could kiss you!”

“Well, if you do, make sure no one's watching." 

Back to The Morning After the Sight Before

FINIS