EASTER EGOS BY PHOENIX
Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves
Relationship, Humour, Holiday Fic, Angst, Romance
No spoilers. Story 3 in the 'Holiday Follies' Series.
is away the boys will play. But is she really
for Sam fans! Anti s/j
|| 83 Kb
Completion Date 08 May 06 Notes: I
have to confess I made this an Easter Story simply to
be able to use the opening line in the story. The
syrups Daniel mentions are actual products available
on the net. I looked them up! I have no
idea what Disa's Dark Desire tastes like, but I
looooved the name! Also, the Eagle Motel is a
real place, and thanks to Sally for finding it for
covered colonel; my
Jack huffs impatiently, the abrupt
movement of his chest jostling my hand and
the brush in mid-stroke.
made me screw up the last character! Oh well, not like
it matters that much. My latest effort,
not that great. Although
my trusty chocolate standard has never
let me down, my experiments with the
new syrups haven’t been as successful
as I’d hoped. The
Amaretto is a little thick, the Banana
too runny, but the Blueberry, now,
that’s just right.
Two out of three ain’t bad, but
it still means for the most part the
medium’s made me mess up, considerably,
and as for the actual message, I’m
afraid my first go at Khuni cuneiform...
definitely need more practice.
perils of attempting to expand one’s
artistic horizons. Still, the advantages
of using my present ‘canvas’ – I
screw up I can just lick it clean and try
again. Failure can be a sweet experience,
and I can’t wait to savour this
one. On exquisite slurp at a time.
get plenty of practice, and I will
admit to being a bit of a perfectionist,
I mean anything worth doing is worth
doing well, and as far as encouraging
my artistic expression, Jack has never
means, he’s right on board with try, try
things we do for our art!
“Danny?’ Jack grunts again,
impatiently bucking his hips. "You?
Done? Yet? Any chance?"
would be, if you’d stop moving!” I scold him. Okay, I’m dragging
this out a bit longer than usual, he’s
been pretty good so far, but Jack’s
not the poster boy for patience on
a good day, especially when he’s -
with the brush,” Jack growls, pointing
meaningfully at the chocolate-covered
erection jutting proudly from my greedily
licking, not painting!” Jack warns. “Now.”
Gonna taste pretty good, too.
doke, keep your – okay, don’t keep
your shorts on but just let me get rid of
I keep a
firm grip on Jack’s delectable dick with
my left as I reach right to put the
paintbrush on the night stand. It’s not much of
a stretch. My
whole house would probably fit it Jack’s
twice, the bedroom, compared to his
is definitely cramped quarters, but
that also makes it kinda cozy, and let’s
face it, we really don’t need a whole
lot of room for what we’re planning to
admit, at first it was kinda weird to be
hanging here, instead of Jack’s, which
is where we usually spend most of our
time, that is, we used to, before
the April Fool’s fiasco, but ever since
then Jack’s developed a sudden
preference for my place over his, so this
is where we’ve been, pretty much for
the last month, whenever we want to
spend some ‘quality time’, and I’m
actually getting to like it.
that’s why I haven’t come out and
asked Jack why he hasn’t had ‘the
talk’ with Sam yet.
I know damned well he hasn’t;
let’s face it, he wouldn’t be hiding
out here if he had, but ultimately it’s
his problem, his mess, and he’s the one
who’s gonna have to deal with it,
Besides, it hasn’t been all that
bad, really, Jack is still feeling so
guilty about that evening he’s been
spoiling me rotten, I’m getting to spend
more time in my house than I have since
I bought the damned thing, and all
this time we’ve been blissfully doing
it, and each other, completely free
of any interruptions, at least from
Sam, because wherever she’s been lurking
it hasn’t been around here.
know what, as far as I’m concerned,
whatever Sam has been up to in the interim
is none of my business. This may sound
selfish, but as long as it doesn’t
inconvenience me I really don’t care. I don’t know if
she still has her heart set on Jack
or not; as long as whatever she’s been
doing or thinking hasn’t actually involved
either one of us she can fill her boots.
Jack’s gonna have to deal with her
eventually, but not today.
Definitely, not now.
got his mess, I’ve got mine.
I gotta tell you, mine’s gonna
be a lot more fun.
Operation Tongue is about to commence!
eyes gleam lustfully at me surveying my
Where to start, where to start,
should I lick top to bottom, or bottom to
Maybe I should start in the middle.
smouldering look of my
own, licking my lips before touching the
tip of my tongue to…
please – no!
got to be fucking kidding!” Jack
hell could that be!”
I fume, banging my forehead on
for once we know who it couldn’t be,”
Jack grumbles, and then looks anxiously
couldn’t be her – right?”
definitely can’t be Sam.
She’s in San Diego.
Flew out last night. But whoever it is,”
I sigh, regretfully eyeing the treat
I must temporarily – I hope – forgo. “I have to answer it.”
know,” Jack grumbles.
“Go on, go,” he waves me away. “Go get rid of them.
I’ll stay here and try to not to melt,
I relinquish Jack’s chocolate schlong,
and gravity proving to be an even stronger
force than arousal, it flops back against
his belly with a forlorn squish. The sound tears
my heart out but I have no choice but
to turn my back and leave my lover
staring mournfully at it while I dart
into the bathroom to wash my hands.
the damned bell again.
Keep your pants on; I need to get
my pants on.
And shirt. Not going to bother
with socks or underwear, after all
it’s not like I’m gonna be dressed
I close the
bedroom door behind me and head for the
front door doing a quick visual check
for anything incriminating as I pass
through, just in case. Not that it’s really
necessary; although both Jack and I
are huge fans of spontaneity we’ve
learned a few lessons over the years,
the most recent being about a month
ago, and we’ve trained ourselves not
to leave clues lying around in any
‘public’ areas of either one of our
residences we’re engaged in a torrid
and highly illegal love affair.
safer that way.
You never know…
kitchen is clear. Syrup containers safely
stashed in the fridge. Living
room clear. No
socks, underwear on any other discarded
clothing items on display.
Jack’s shoes are in the bedroom
along with the rest of his clothing and
his coat is in the closet.
hell can this be?
Good grief, I hope Cuddles isn’t
up a tree again, I’m not in the mood for
doing Tarzan impersonations. The last time I
had to fetch that fuzzball down she
clawed me to shreds – Cuddles, not
Mrs. Stevens, the old dear is eighty
if she's a day and usually pretty harmless,
just don't mess with her petunias or
you won't know what hit you - and I
nearly broke my neck in the bargain.
And please, God, not Vanessa. If that’s her this’ll
be three ‘Oh Daniel, I hope you don’t
think I’m being a pest, but…’ pop-overs
this week. I
think she’s overdoing the good neighbour thing
just a tad. Jack
thinks she’s warm for my form, however,
as she only seems to darken my doorstep
whenever he’s here, I think
he’s barking up the wrong babe.
Mind you so is she, but that's
be Mr. Phelps complaining about the noise. We haven’t blown
the place up in oh, at least a week.
any of them is the last thing I need right
Oh well, there’s one bright spot
in all of this, whoever’s knocking on my
front door, there’s no way it can be –
I yelp loudly enough they ought to be able
to hear me back on the mountain, and
hopefully with enough volume to warn
the chocolate and amaretto/banana/blueberry
covered man in my bed behind the closed
bedroom door we’ve got a problem.
thought you were visiting your brother
What is she
doing here she’s supposed to be
in fucking San Diego!
was,” Sam dimples coyly at me. “I was all packed
and everything. About
an hour before I had to catch my flight
Mark called me and said he had to cancel. Both the girls have
come down with the flu.”
kidding. Inconsiderate brats, why
couldn’t they get sick on their own
didn’t have to leave after all,” she
continues to beam, craning her neck around
me in order to peer into the house because
I’m currently proving to be a
significant obstruction to both her vision
and her obvious intention of breaching
the bastion of my front door. I’ve planted myself
firmly in said doorway and am giving
her no indication I have any intention
of either moving or inviting her in. I’m praying she’ll
take the hint and…
stopped by the colonel’s house and he
wasn’t home. I know he wasn’t leaving
town so he had to be somewhere in
He seems to spend an awful lot of
time with you lately, so on a hunch I
thought I’d shoot on over – “
choice of words.
Wouldn’t mind shooting you
I have no
idea why, but in the deep, dark recesses
of my brain wherein reside some of my
fondest fantasies Sam and firearms
are becoming sort of synonymous…lately.
I’d get lucky.”
you may have found him but that doesn’t
mean you get to keep him.
like I did!” she brightly chirps, after
a triumphant glance back towards the curb
and the irrefutable proof of her deductive
away, girlfriend, Jack’s here. That huge honking
truck parked in front of my house is
kind of a dead giveaway.
where’s the colonel?”
Sam asks, taking advantage of my
momentary weakness to shoulder by me and
barge blithely into my house. She keeps on going,
straight into my living room, which
is noticeably devoid of the colonel
be because he’s currently in my bedroom,
and I’d better think fast before she
deduces that as well.
isn’t a big house; not a lot of places
he could be, process of elimination will
take about – oh, a minute or two, tops,
especially at the speed at which it
looks like she’s intending to proceed
searching the place ‘til she turns
stammer and gesture vaguely towards the
back of the house.
Running water, in the bathroom. Shower. Jack’s in the shower. Well, he would be,
he’d have to be, being as how he’s
currently kind of…syrupped.
I croak, and force a weak smile.
Jack’s in my shower.
Oh God, oh God.
in the shower?” Sam says, puzzled.
I’m sure there are plenty of
logical explanations not involving any
sort of secret syrupy sexual assignations
as to why Jack would be using my shower on
Easter Sunday at ten in the morning when
he’s got a perfectly good one at home.
I just wish I could think of one.
why is the colonel using your shower?”
of the evidence, alas.
Ah, the humanities, all that lovely
chocolate going down the drain, wasted,
Fifteen bucks a quart.
Not including shipping and
Da Vinci Gourmet Amaretto, Banana,
Blueberry, another twenty five bucks worth
of delectable confection swirling into
the sewer without so much as a lick…
I’m gonna cry.
thought of the cruel, criminal, cosmic
wrongness of it all is causing me actual,
I brilliantly reiterate.
She asked me a question. A question I can’t
I could, because I do know the answer,
but it’s not one I can share with her.
I have to
give her an explanation, a reason for why
Jack is in my shower in the middle of
the morning, one that does not involve
chocolate or any other flavour of syrup.
Or why he
was in my bedroom in a coated state in the
thinking the truth would be a little hard
for her to swallow.
stalling for time, waiting for that
brilliant inspiration to hit me, and so
far I’ve got nothing.
something wrong?” she pauses in her
aggressive snooping, her head swiveling
around to affix me with a wide-eyed stare
crawling with curiosity. “You feeling okay?”
something, looking into those wide,
expectant and completely clueless
eyes, it’s scarily dawning on me I’m
freaking out here for nothing; I gape
at her waiting for her answer and so
not getting what’s really going on
here it’s suddenly painfully obvious
I could tell her just about anything
and she’d buy it.
The one thing I’m afraid of her
finding out, the absolute truth, as
far as she’s concerned that’s so far
away from any possible realm of possibility
it doesn’t even figure in her current
know whether to be relieved or terrified.
desperately questing for the elusive
explanation when my deliverance comes in
the form of one Air Force colonel newly
emerged from his shower, his hair still
damp and frankly dripping, obviously
hastily toweled off and dressed as
quickly as possible.
In fact he
was in such a hurry to get out here he
hasn’t quite finished the getting
He bursts into the room, moist and
more than slightly rumpled, his head
bent, his fingers frantically buttoning
his untucked shirt.
for letting me use your shower, Daniel,”
he gives forth as he makes his entrance,
pretending he’s unaware there’s anyone
in the room but me.
“Damned hot water heater picked
a fine time to pack it in.”
Oooh! Nice one, Jack!
that feels a lot better,” he smiles,
fastening the last button and finally
He stops when he sees her, his eyes
widening in what anyone who didn’t know
differently, namely our unexpected and
unwanted ‘guest’, would swear was
one thing for Jack, he’s good. He probably did
a bit of eavesdropping and threat-assessing
in the hall before he made his entrance,
got that Doctor Dimwit here wasn’t
doing so good in the ‘coming up with
plausible excuses’ department and immediately
whipped up his cover story to cover
both our butts.
to remember to thank him later. Once we’ve given
Sam the boot and we can safely get
back to business.
looks who’s here.
I burble brightly. Hey,
I can play the innocent too!
see,” Jack returns, looking confused. This time for real.
you doing here, Carter, I thought you were
going to San Diego to visit your brother
thing, Jack, seems she was just about to
leave when the trip got cancelled. Both her nieces
have the flu.”
hear that,” Jack tells her and means it. Yeah, we’re both
incredibly broken up about the kids
and all, but what’s even more distressing
– she’s here, when she’s supposed
to be there!
a wordless, worried glance my way before
tossing Sam a sickly smile.
hear you Jack.
Her plans for the weekend got
cancelled, so that explains why she’s
still here, in town, but not why she’s here.
Messing up our
Jack ventures, with all the enthusiasm of
a terminal patient asking his doctor how
much longer he has to live. “So you didn’t make
it to San Diego, but why are you here?”
looking for you, Jack.”
So far Sam
has been silently observing our verbal
sparring without attempting to get in
on the game herself, her head swinging
back and forth between us like it’s
on a pivot.
She fastens on my last comment as
her evident cue to finally enter the
I’m here because I didn’t have to go
away after all,” she pipes up, fixing a
bright, expectant look on my colonel.
Jack intelligently observes.
didn’t have to leave after all,” she
“Soooo, we can go.”
What? What is she talking
“What?” Jack bleats. His eyes dart rapidly between us; I can smell his fear
going on here – Jack is panicking. He’s so spooked
he’s about three seconds away from
diving out my window and running for
getting a baaaad feeling about this. He knows a lot more
than he’s saying, and what’s more,
he knows damned well when I find out
what he knows about what Sam is talking
about I’m not gonna be turning cartwheels
can’t wait to hear the rest of this!
know, the special Easter Sunday Brunch at
Emilio’s we were talking about.”
And bizarre. Seeing
as how I know not only would Jack not brunch if
his life depended on it but I doubt the
word is even in his vocabulary I can’t
imagine why they would be talking about it
or where she’s going with this, but
I’m definitely all ears.
mentioned it you said we should go, but we
couldn’t, obviously, because I was going
away, but now I’m not, so we can go
So here I am!” she finishes with
a sunny smile.
yeah,” Jack mumbles weakly, his gaze
resolutely fixed on his shoes.
“I did say something…like
Oh, you did too, you so did!
Stop staring at your shoes and
face me you chickenshit!
O’Neill, you are a dead man. Deceased, expired,
cancelled, deleted, expurgated, late
and definitely not lamented…
are an ex-colonel.
with triumph at her victory and utterly
oblivious to the sudden murderous tension
her comments have evoked Sam steps
spritely forward, slipping her arm through
Jack’s. Claiming her prize she starts
hauling him toward the front hall.
should get going then, Sir, if we want to
get a good table. We’ll catch you later,
pulled him stunned and unresisting halfway
out of the room before he rallies and
realizes exactly what’s going on. He digs his heels
in so emphatically he leaves skid marks
on my hardwood floor, briefly halting
their headlong hurtle for my front
he flings desperately over his shoulder
while still doggedly resisting the
determined traction on his right arm. “You’re coming,
Oh no you
don’t you – you- bruncher! You’re
not dragging me into this.
her teeth, tightens her grip and puts her
back into it.
sure Daniel has lots of things he
needs to do,” she grunts, managing
through force of sheer will and relentless
tugging to shift Jack another millimeter
closer to the door.
“Don’t you, Daniel?” she
hisses, throwing me a warning glance. I have no trouble
catching the meaning in that baleful
know when I’m not wanted, Sam couldn’t
have made it any clearer, as far as
she’s concerned this is one party I’m
definitely not invited to; she’s set
on having Jack all to herself.
with no colonel, chocolate covered or
otherwise, no hot sex and making my
own damn lunch.
Wait a minute! Once was bad enough
I know this
is nuts, I shouldn’t be getting in the
middle of this and oh yeah, I sure will
be if I give in to Jack’s huge pleading
eyes and tag along, but if I’ll be
damned if I’m letting her get away with
I grin, pointedly ignoring Sam’s
murderous glare slicing into me as I
proceed to deliberately torpedo her hopes
of getting away clean with the colonel.
“As a matter of fact, I’m free.
I could eat. Brunch
you,” Jack mouths at me, literally
weak-kneed with gratitude I’ve opted not
to do the sane thing and abandon him to
Although we both know damned well
I should have!
It’s as much as he deserves for
whatever he’s said and done to make
Sam believe she had a reasonable expectation
of getting to spend more time with
him that made her come here looking
for him in the first place.
buster, I’m not doing this for you. This is between
me and the pushy blonde who might not
know she’s fighting a battle she’s
lost before she’s even begun, but that
doesn’t change the fact she’s poaching
on my preserve, and quite frankly is
really starting to piss me off.
have run him to the ground, Sam, but
you’re not getting away clean with the
frustrated fury and oh my – well,
let’s just say I’m not her
favourite person at the moment
and I will be paying for this at some
point in the not-too-distant future,
but I’m not gonna worry about that right
much too busy enjoying getting a little
of my own back, even if I’m the only
one who knows it.
don’t say it, it’s been a month after
all and I’m well aware it’s petty of
me to not let this thing go, and even
pettier to enjoy messing up her plans
quite so much, it’s not like she knows
she did me out of a dinner and
a hell of a hot time but –
was my party and I’ll cry if I
that’s settled then, we’re all
going,” Jack happily announces.
at me through narrowed eyes, but she knows
she’s lost this round. Jack’s last
statement has taken care of that. If she wants any
colonel action at all she has to accept
the deal on the table, and it’s a package
In order to
get the colonel she has to take the
archaeologist along for the ride.
you’re buying then, Jack?”
I smile serenely at Simmering Sam,
who is currently struggling with her
She’s getting there, still not
happy about the unexpected co-opting of
her imagined cozy two-some into a trio,
but she’s obviously decided to be a
good sport about it. After all, half
a colonel is better than none?
right, suck it up and make the best of it. It won’t be so bad;
we’ll have a nice brunch, some conversation,
sure it’ll be fine, we’re all friends,
after all, we’ll have a good time,
enjoy each other’s company for an hour
or two and then…
Jack and I
will make our fond farewells and make our
way back here and…
while it’s unfortunately, tragically
true pretty much all of the Amaretto,
Banana and Blueberry might have gone to
waste, all is not lost; there’s still
the Black Cherry, Bubblegum and Boysenberry.
that’s just the ‘B’s.
better leave room for desert.
at me again.
She’s smiling like she’s
perfectly fine with the new scenario, but
there’s this subtle, sneaky gleam in her
Did I just
say something stupid like she’d decided
to be a good sport about this? Recognize she was
beat and resign herself to enjoying
what she could have as opposed to continuing
to go after what she really wanted?
certainty I’ve come out on top begins to
waver as she looks at me again, the
triumphant gleam in her eye definitely
She steps in closer to Jack’s
side, tightens her grip possessively and
bares her teeth at me in a predatory grin
and that’s when I know I’ve been
she’s got something up her sleeve and it
isn’t Jack’s arm!
then it’s the three of us,” she says
with all the smug certainty of a cat that
knows the canary is well and truly in
“That’s fine, it’ll be fun. But there’s no reason
to bring all three vehicles, tell you
what, Daniel, why don’t you meet us
I’ll hitch a ride with you and I’ll
leave my car here, you don’t mind,
Daniel if I pick it up…later?”
significantly before she utters the last
word, and the look she gives Jack –
and then me - is equally eloquent.
that was slick. You did it to me again and
I didn’t even see it coming. The new scenario,
according to Sam: you
and Jack arrive at the restaurant in
his truck, ensuring, I’m sure, to your
way of thinking, whatever happens you
will be leaving with him as well. We eat, you make
small talk with the third wheel and
then you ditch him, finally achieving
the original objective of having the
colonel all to yourself after all.
you’re free to work on the ‘later’
part with absolutely no interference.
you’ve forgotten the third wheel has
wheels as well. The colonel with the truck
isn’t the only one who can get you
back to your car, which, seeing as
how it’ll be waiting for you at the
curb in front of my house, it would
really make more sense for me to be
the one to drive you back to it.
Conveniently colonel-less. But not for long, he’ll be coming…later.
you’re outta here and out of our hair.
Sam, but you getting back to your car,
isn’t going to be as ‘later’ as you
You’re smiling now, but I’m
gonna get the last laugh.
the important thing now is to convince her
I’m fine with her plans so she’ll
relax and stop worrying about getting
the better of me –
and oh, oh yeah, Jack.
I have to
calm Jack down before he starts freaking
Sam has resumed hauling him toward
the door and he’s digging in once more
because he’s finally connected the dots
and feels the jaws of the trap snap
shut. He gets
it. If things
go according to Sam’s plan he’s gonna
be spending the day – and possibly
a large chunk of the evening – with
Or so he
You know, I
should let him go on thinking that. I should. I really should. Might teach him
a lesson or two.
would be mean.
throw him a bone.
Wouldn’t want him to have a
stroke before we get to the restaurant.
that works for me, let me just grab my
Jack, as long as you’re here, you
wanted to borrow – that – “
yeah!” Jack exclaims, catching my drift. “I’ll just – get
it – Sam?” he turns to her, wrestling
his arm out of her clutches, which
isn’t easy. “Why
don’t you wait for me by the truck,
I’ll be – I’ll just be a sec – “
momentarily clouds; she’s clearly not
thrilled with the idea of letting Jack out
of her sight even for a second. She takes a few
uncertain steps towards the front door
and then stops, turning back and frowning
like she’s not entirely convinced I
won’t spirit Jack out the back way
as soon as her back is turned.
I’m standing that’s not exactly
completely beyond the realm of
the deal by dropping his keys in her hand.
on, open her up and I’ll be right
out,” he reassures her.
She grins happily, nods, then
scurries out the door, staring at the keys
she's clutching with the same covetous
fervor she’d reserve for an engagement
actually, what he’s just done is almost
She had no idea what handing those
keys over cost him; nobody touches
Jack’s baby but him and me, and I’m
pretty iffy at the best of times. Giving Sam his truck
keys was an unbelievably courageous
act, a tremendous sacrifice, especially
as it means Sam is now out there, in
on his windows.
Sitting on his upholstery. Messing
about with the presets on the radio. Snooping through
his glove box. Checking out his CDs. Fingering his dashboard. Playing with his
stick shift. God only knows what sort
of mayhem, chaos and destruction she
could single-handedly wreck in that
cab during the - oh – minute or two
she’ll be alone in it.
think of it I’m not exactly crazy about
her being in there, sitting in my seat,
doing any of that stuff…either.
thinking about…fingering things…oddly
enough, it’s making me kinda…hot…
yeah, but desperate times call for
desperate measures and we finally got her
out of the house.
We don’t have a lot of time here
so we'd better get this over and done
with before Sam starts changing the
oil or something.
Jack’s mind at ease about who’s gonna
get custody of Sam after he’s picked up
the tab, but there’s one or two things
I need to clear up first.
Daniel, I – Ow!
You hit me!”
lucky I didn’t shoot you, you dumb fuck. What the hell is
you, why did you tell Sam you’d take her
to brunch, for God’s sake!”
Last week she cornered me in the
commissary and started burbling about the
brunch thing on Easter Sunday and what
I said was it was a shame she
wouldn’t get to go because she was
“Did you really say ‘she’
– or ‘we’?”
come to think of it, I might have
said…we – OW!
Stop hitting me!”
you’re gonna owe me bigtime for this,
know, I know and believe me, I’ll make
it up to you.”
Though I should have my head
examined I’ve got your back as far as
Sam is concerned.
When it comes time to go our
separate ways, you take off with the truck
and I’ll drive her back to her car. And then of course
you can come back over, when the coast
“Really? That’s – thanks
Daniel. I don’t
deserve you, yanno.”
you’re absolutely right, you don’t.
Well, we’d better get going, and get
this over with as soon as possible so we
can send Sam on her way and get back to
the painting and the licking.”
– you need – the thing.”
know, our excuse for this little chat, the
thing you were going to borrow.”
“Oh yeah. So – what?”
grab something, I’ll get a
“Here. This oughta do it.”
cares, I’ll just toss it in the back,
it’s not like she’s gonna see
it or anything.”
okay, just – put it in here.
There, we’re good to go. Don’t forget your
“Oh yeah. No time for socks. Where the hell are we going again?”
– I’m not sure.
Just…follow us okay?”
but for once don’t drive like a fricking
You lose me and you’re on your
worry, I’ll leave a trail of breadcrumbs
if I have to.”
later I’m in my car, following Jack’s
truck as it crawls down the quiet Sunday
streets and it dawns on me I’m not
wearing any underwear.
Oh man, as
if the mere thought of brunching wasn’t
enough of a nightmare it looks like I’m
going to be doing it commando.
bring it on!
So, here we
are, me, Jack and Sam.
Sunday Brunch with Mr. and Mrs.
Springs and all the kiddies, me without
my underwear and the main item on the
menu is a whole heaping of weird. Let’s not forget
first walked in here Jack looked like a
man who was being led by the nose to his
Well, however much he may have
initially been doing a fair impression of
a condemned man, he’s gotten over it
the one who needs to be put out of my
time would be good.
thing, for a guy who was previously
hyperventilating about the possibility of
being stuck with Sam at the end our ménage
a trios, ever since he sat down he’s
been acting anything but spooked, or
like he’s in any particular hurry to
get this over with, even. While he’s not actually,
actively encouraging her; that
is to say not outright flirting,
well, not really, it’s not flirting,
what he’s doing but whatever it is,
it’s a lot more friendly and familiar
than the way he usually is with her…which
flirting with her.
certainly paying a lot of attention to
her, way more than the situation merits. That third wheel
thing, I was joking when I called myself
that before, but now it’s not so funny. For sure Sam could care less I’m here but Jack…
barely looked my way since the food came. Which was well over
an hour ago. God,
what am I saying, going on closer to
two and even though we’re working through
dessert, slowly, there’s still no end
original plan I thought we both agreed to
was to get in and get this done and over
with as quickly as possible, but the
way Sam is carrying on and Jack is
letting her we might be here well into
the afternoon. And
speaking of Sam, she’s flashed her
teeth at Jack so many times I’m surprised
he hasn’t been blinded by the glare
and I swear, if she giggles one more
Oh my God,
what the hell is this, now?
that looks really good, Sir,” Sam crams
a forkful of cheesecake into
her mouth and then heads the empty implement
towards Jack’s plate.
“Do you mind if I steal a little
– she’s not gonna try –
eating – off his plate!
Uh huh, yeah, she is! He sees it, he knows
what’s she’s doing…and…no way! I don’t believe
what I’m seeing – he’s letting her! Smiling while
she scoops a huge forkful of his –
what the hell is he eating, anyway,
it was something she suggested he order
– and pops it in her mouth.
I do not
believe what I have just seen. Jack is even more
territorial about his food, then –
well, let’s just say he does not
When we were having Chinese at his
place one night I tried to scoop one of
– he nearly broke my fingers.
And yet – and yet – he just –
right in front of me too!
won’t let me eat his stinking
shrimp, and yet Sam can help herself to
his stupid poofy pasty, no problem!
that is good,” Sam slurps down
the last of her purloined pastry and
simpers at Jack.
“I almost wish I’d ordered what
you’re having now.
Fair is fair,” she dimples at
him, and scoops a forkful of her
Holding her hand under the laden
fork she guides it towards Jack’s mouth.
up,” she giggles.
submits to being handfed – in public -
with much too much grace and more than
a hint of actual satisfaction.
rapidly losing the will to live.
O’Neill has been my friend for more than
seven years, my lover for three, he’s
closer to me than any person alive, I know
him better than anyone, or so I thought
and yet, right now – this man sitting
next to me wearing his face – I don’t
even recognize him.
I know for
Sam’s sake we agreed to see this thing
through gracefully, act like we’re
having a good time, and although she
won’t be getting exactly what she wanted
at the end at least we’ll have made
sure she has a pleasant meal with some
friends, one who while he doesn’t love
her the way she
thinks, nevertheless he does care
about her, hell, they both do
or they wouldn’t be doing this in the
first place, but...
I’m sitting Jack is getting a little
lost in the part. This
whole ‘he ‘n she’ cutsie-poo routine is way over
the top, definitely more than the
situation calls for.
I don’t understand why he’s
behaving like this, it’s stupid and
dangerous; the idea was to let her down
easy and make her feel good about herself not
feed the flames of her delusion. Dammit, if this
is the way he behaved on the night
of that damned dinner no wonder
she thinks…what she thinks. And I can’t believe
he’s carrying on like this – with her
– right in front of me! Is he trying
to make me jealous? I never thought
Jack could ever be that petty or need
that kind of stupid pointless validation
from me. No,
that can’t be it, that’s not it, Jack
and I are solid, what he’s dong right
now, it’s not about making me jealous,
it’s got nothing to do with me at all,
actually, but he’s also not pretending
with Sam, he is enjoying himself
and totally digging the attention she’s
he is flirting with her, damn him.
minute, wait a minute, maybe I do…
Oh my God,
it couldn’t be that!
Oh my God.
I get it now.
The big picture.
I know what’s going on; why Jack
is acting like such an ass and what this
entire romantic farce is really all
needed to see them – together, for all
the pieces to finally fall into place.
As you can
well imagine I’ve devoted a fair amount
of time to pondering this particular
conundrum: what Sam wants from Jack
and why he’s been acting the way he
has the whole time and not doing the
one thing he needs to in order to make
part has been pretty easy to figure. What she sees –
or thinks she sees in Jack,
that is. It’s
got nothing to do with who he actually
is as a person, I mean, let’s face
it, she barely knows him, nor,
to be blunt, does she really care about
Jack, the man.
wants is the colonel.
the slightest bit interested in ‘Jack’
– hell, I don’t think she even really likes
him, for sure she doesn’t respect him
and as far as ‘love’ is concerned,
get real, if she actually got him
she’d lose interest pretty damned quick.
That is if
she didn’t kill him first.
colonel, however, that’s a different
Let’s face it, as long as I’ve
known Sam, she’s had some pretty
significant power issues.
As in she’s only attracted to men
who have it.
And as far as the SGC is concerned,
after the general, Colonel O’Neill is
the top of the heap.
The leader of the SGC’s first
team, the 2IC of the most prestigious
command in the Air Force and if all
of that didn’t make him a hot enough
prospect he could very well have stars
in his future – and we’re not talking
about the ones in the sky. Colonel
O’Neill is everything Sam thinks she
wants in prospective husband, stepping
stone and status symbol. He’ll definitely
do as her best candidate for the position
until she gets a better offer plus,
because she’s in his immediate chain
of command he comes with the added
bonus of being ultimately unavailable
and therefore utterly ‘safe’, so while
she can have hours and hours of fun
immersing herself in the fantasy, playing
with the idea of romance, white picket
fences and the whole domestic enchilada,
unless she’s prepared to make some
serious changes in her situation we
all know she’ll never follow through
with she won’t ever have to face the
eventuality of any of it actually
becoming a reality and messily
Back in the
early days of SG1 things were simpler;
Jack was a ‘Daddy” substitute and her
‘admiration’ for the colonel was
confined pretty much to hero worship
expressing itself in overachieving and
a compulsive need for approval/validation
from the colonel as her team leader,
and I think we’d all be a whole lot
happier if that’s the way it had stayed.
However, learning civilian versions
of herself had become romantically
involved with their colonels
started her thinking along slightly
more dangerous and unfortunate lines
and… and ultimately convincing herself
getting all gooey-eyed and stupid over
her colonel was a good idea
think she’s in love with Jack but the
whole thing is nothing more than a
She’s in love with the idea of
being in love with Jack – or more
accurately – what really turns her crank
is imagining he’s in love with
speaking of egos, and the behaviour that
has been easy to figure what I’ve never
been able to understand, up until now,
that is, is why Jack has been dragging
his heels about setting her straight. While he hasn’t
been actually actively out and out
encouraging her – nevertheless, he
has been sort of, not exactly discouraging
out like he’s scared of her, but come
on; he has no problem putting her in her
place when he has to.
He can handle Sam, and he could
tell her the truth and put an end to
this whole…thing, no problem, if he
really wanted to.
Nor has he
been putting off ‘the talk’ because he
wants to ‘spare her feelings’. Leading someone
on, encouraging their affection when
you do not reciprocate because you
claim you don’t want to hurt them with
the truth – well that’s just about
the meanest thing you could do to a
person. Jack’s a better man than that,
and he’d never be that intentionally
cruel to anyone, especially Sam.
And yet, he
hasn’t set her straight.
She’s made it more than clear
to him the way she feels, and although
he’s never, actually, directly, deliberately
said or done anything…overt, to indicate
to her he reciprocates, in any way,
shape or form nevertheless what he
simply by saying nothing, has been enough
for her to run dewy-eyed and droolingly
amok in the assumptions department.
inevitably, to where we are, here, and
All he had
to do, all he’s ever had to do was to
sit her down and say, “Sam, I’m
flattered, but I just don’t feel the way
you think I feel.”
Or something to that effect. Something, anything. But he never has. Although he’s freely
admitted he should, and promised he
would – and meant it.
him; that he means to, he intends to, he
never truly ever meant for things to
go as far as they have, even he can’t
explain to himself or me why he hasn’t,
and they have.
these months of fruitless pondering and
all it’s taken is a few minutes
observing the two of them,
actually…together, and the whole thing
talking strictly a mating of mis-guided
egos, these two are made for each other.
possibly the most absurd thing I’ve ever
seen. What I was saying before, about Sam
getting her romantic thrills over the
idea of the colonel being in love with
her – well, guess what I’ve just found
out, these particular feelings
just as tickled, and every bit as
flattered about the idea of Sam – having
a thing for the colonel.
Sam wouldn’t look at Jack twice,
but the colonel? The
idea what he is, the power he has, that someone like Sam
would want him simply because of
those birds on his shoulder…
doesn’t actually want her, not in
a million years, any more than she really
wants him, but the idea,
the enormous ego-boo of having her
make a fool of herself like this, over
getting off on it, and all the
attention he’s getting from her, the
stupid son of a bitch!
Of the pair
of them I don’t know who’s the most
pathetic, but you know what, I’ve had
more than enough of this particular side
I stick around for much more,
I’ll be losing what little I’ve
actually been able to eat of my lunch. Brunch. Whatever.
I know none
of this is about me, or us, Jack never
intended any of this to hurt me, and
I don’t think he even consciously realizes
why he’s acting this way, but that
still doesn’t make any of it right,
and I’m not doing any of us any favours
by continuing to turn a blind eye to
this ludicrous little ego fest and
enabling their weird co-dependent…delusions,
so guess what, it’s gonna stop today.
One of us
has to be an adult here, and as usual,
it’s gonna be me.
it’s just about time I clued Jack in,
and taught him a little lesson in the
up my mind and decided on my course of
action, and then Sam gives me the perfect
opportunity to set the whole thing
me for a moment Sir,” she says, setting
her napkin on the table and starting to
get to her feet.
“I just need to – “ she
smiles and gestures toward the back of the
“I’ll be right back, don’t go
she didn’t say ‘powder her nose’, I
really would have hurled for sure.
watches her walk away and by the time he
turns back to me I’m already on my feet,
my wallet in my hand.
“Danny?” Jack’s indulgent
smile abruptly fades as he sees what
can see when I’m not wanted,” I
crisply inform him, throwing a fifty on
“I’ll just leave you kids to
Don’t worry, this one’s on me.
Enjoy the rest of your meal, and
your day,” I tell him coldly, turning
on my heel to begin my stately stalk
out of the restaurant. “I’m outta here.”
Jack pleads, grabbing my wrist. “You’re – you’re
leaving me? I
hard, so hard, but it’s for his own
good, for both of us, I can’t break now,
can’t give into those damned dark and
soulful eyes, not even when they look
at me, like that, so hurt and confused…
free of his hold and step away from the
That little bit of distance…
it’s just what I needed to find the
strength to leave him.
I can do
Heart of stone and eyes to match. Say it – and get
the hell out.
you don’t,” I sternly inform him. But you’d better
figure it out. I
don’t want to hear from you until you
By the time
he’s recovered enough to think about
running after me, I’m already in my car. I head immediately
for home to pick up a few things I’ll
need for part 2 of Jack’s ‘lesson’.
Once I get
there I don’t waste any time packing my
overnight bag with the requisite supplies. Although my recent
actions have doubtless given Jack plenty
of motivation to cut things short with
Sam I’m pretty sure I can make my getaway
long before they both get here. Her, to pick up her car and him…
look, but he won’t find, that is, not
until I’m ready to be found.
minutes, I’ve got everything I need,
I’m out the door, in my car, headed out
of town, feeling a little bit better, okay
a whole lot better, about my decision
and my actions.
the right thing and you know what else?
believe I’m going to enjoy myself doing
the unpleasant turn it took about
mid-morning, this day hasn’t turned out
so badly after all.
The drive out here was pleasant. This is a really
nice place. The
view is certainly spectacular.
I had a great time poking around in
Manitou Springs and the walk there and
back was quite invigorating.
Although I didn’t much care for
lunch, dinner was excellent. And now
here we are, back in the room, which
will definitely do. The décor is very
tasteful, the bed certainly comfortable,
and you know something else, it’s nice
to finally have some real quality time
to devote to some uninterrupted reading. I haven’t been able to do that lately, just kick back,
relax, and lose myself in a good book
for several hours. It never fails,
I just get settled, comfortable, I’m
starting to get into the passage I’m
reading and then the book goes one
way and I go the other, usually pinned
down by a flying colonel coming in
for a one-point landing.
Yeah, a few
hours, all to myself, to just…read. Nice. I wouldn’t want
it to be this way all the time, but
just for today, for a change, it’s
me see, what time is it?
Well what do you think, Daniel,
has Jack worked it out yet? Has he stewed long
probably, I think he’s spent sufficient
time out in the cold for the evening;
I should let him off the hook.
finish the chapter first.
I put the book down and reach for
my cell on the nightstand.
I turn it on and am in the middle
of setting it back down when it rings.
didn’t take long.
where the hell are you?”
get to that in a minute.
When and if I feel like telling
Have you figured it out yet?”
– I’m calling you, aren’t I?”
– I – I guess I screwed up pretty bad,
could say that.”
acting like a bit of an ass.”
Daniel, I swear I didn’t
mean…you know I don’t...it’s just,
she likes me…and it was…when
she gets like that - it made me feel
can’t have it both ways, Jack.”
I know that, and there’s no way
– I don’t – not her, not even
a little bit, not ever, it’s not like
that, it didn’t mean anything, ever, you
know that, don’t you!”
do, but I think it’s just about time you
figured it out too.”
“I – I
I just didn’t realize what I was
doing until – you walking out on me the
way you did, scared the crap out of me.”
was supposed to.”
when I couldn’t find you – reach
I – I thought.”
what you thought.
You’re lucky it wasn’t the
“I – I
If it had been anyone else but you
– seeing me carrying on…like
that…with someone else…right in front
Shhh, Jack, it’s okay, it’s okay, I
know you meant no harm but you had to see
what you were doing was wrong, before
real harm was done.”
you’re right, you’re right. I’m
So…what happened after I left?”
“I – I
what did you tell her?”
her us – other than friends – probably
not a good idea.”
Did you say anything else?”
still had to explain that whole…dinner
thing and the way I’ve been acting. I said I was sorry
about what she thought, about her and
me, but I’d changed my mind about getting…involved. I wasn’t ready.”
not so good.”
“What? Why not?”
leaves the door open.
You didn’t say you’ve never
been interested, ever, just not interested
It implies if she’s patient
she’s still got a chance.”
“When I am
least you did say something.
It’s a start.”
like telling me where you are now?”
Motel in Manitou Springs.”
The syrup bottles and paint brushes
are ready and waiting.”
be there in fifteen.”
already in the truck, don’t start
No. Never. Just, come to me
my love, and everything will be all
there’s no way in hell Sam will find us
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