DAMAGE CONTROL PART ONE
ANYTHING BUT THE
TRUTH BY PHOENIX E
Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves
||Pre-Slash. Bigtime Angst
||Season 4 Could be happening any
time after BtS. Would be really great if it was.
Call this my fourth season 'fixer upper'. During
the course of which I will attempt to offer you
my 'take' on just what is wrong with the team this
season and Jack in particular, and provide them
with a venue to start getting back on track again.
||Jack hasn't exactly been himself
lately. During a terrible moment of truth he comes
face to face with the reason why.
|| 43 Kb
Originally completed and posted to the net 05 Sep
have I done?
what I've done. I hit him. God, god, I actually hit him.
This isn't a dream, not some sort of bizarre illusion or
cheap Goa'uld trick. I can't even blame this one on any
hinky Tok'ra mind control devices. I hit him. This can't
be happening, but it is. I hit him. I hit him. Oh boy,
I wanna wake up now and make it all go away.
lying there on the ground, at my feet, blood running down
his face, my hand hurts like hell, no getting away from
this, this is real. As if all of that wasn't bad enough,
and it's really plenty bad enough already, he's looking
up at me. With those 'oh Jack, how could you' eyes. Oh
God. I don't want to see them. Don't want to see what's
in them but I can't help myself. I can't look away. I have
to see it all. Every terrible thing I've put there. With
every terrible thing I've done to him.
so I would see anything in them but the truth.
eyes. Just look at him. Looking at me.
oh yeah, bigtime hurt, expecting that. The bewilderment,
utter disbelief. You sure never thought I could be this
much of a shit, did you, Dannyboy? Still can't quite bring
yourself to believe it.
keeps gaping up at me like some shit's just driven a huge,
honking hole through his worldview and I stare back Just
as pole-axed by what I've done to him. I've seen enough
in his eyes to know there may never be any coming back
from this one, but there's more. A lot more. Much more
than I bargained for.
not - not this…
- I have to look away. There's still time. Still time to
stop myself from seeing this. After everything I've done
to keep this away, I can't see it now. Not now. Not this.
Not - not like this…
wanted to see this, haven't wanted to know. I didn't want
to own this thing that's been haunting me, like some sort
of demon sitting on my shoulder. The snickering monkey
on my back. Whispering in my ear. Nagging me, laughing
at me, mocking me no matter what I've tried to do to shut
the noisy little fucker up.
I've been running from since the day I first laid eyes
oh boy, have I been running. Just as fast as these tired
old legs will let me. Running for the hills, going down
hill all the way. Grabbing at straws, getting stupid, getting
mean, thinking with everything but my head. Blindly, mindlessly
doing everything I can to keep him as far away from me
as possible.. So I wouldn't have to see what's staring
me right in the face in those damned, damned eyes.
eyes, amazing eyes, still so kind even while they're so
bewildered, still reaching out even after - even after
everything I've done to try and make them turn away from
trying to kill him didn't make him cut me and run.
if this hasn't pretty much finally convinced him I have
no redeeming social value whatsoever, I don't know what
me, what have I done? What have I been doing? I've been
so scared of what I didn't want to see I haven't been able
to see anything at all. But here it is, in a nutshell,
where all of us have come to because I've been doing everything
I can to see anything but the truth.
has moved since I decked Daniel. It's like we all can't
believe what has just happened. I know I sure can't and
I'm the macho prick who's just slugged a teammate and a
friend for doing his job. For having the guts to stick
up for himself and for the truth and for trying to remind
me, once again, why the hell we are really supposed to
be out here and what we're supposed to be all about.
like he's been doing for months during this whole nightmare
joyride of the gradual moral decline of Colonel O'Neill.
Former man of action and defender of the right, now Colonel
Sick and Twisted 'let's just blow up anyone who gets in
the shit out of the only person who's had the guts to not
let him get away with it.
That Colonel O'Neill. That sick fuck. Me.
is right. My way or the highway. The guy with the biggest
stick gets to make the rules. Do like I say or get blown
away. Fuck, I hate this guy. How the hell have I become
how, Jack. And you damned well know why. It's all coming
clear. As I look into those sorrowful blue eyes and come
what Erin used to call it. 'Coming to.' Crap, I haven't
thought about that crazy chick in years. I sure hung out
with some winners before I met Sara. Erin had to be at
the top of the list of 'characters'. The actress who could
never decide who she really was because she was always
so busy being someone else.
a lot of stories about her adventures 'treading the boards.'
As she put it. I remember very clearly the one she told
me about something that sometimes happens on stage during
the course of a long run. When playing the part becomes
so 'by the numbers' you don't even have to think about
what you're doing. You just say the lines, go through the
motions, all on automatic pilot. Sleepwalking through the
something happens to shatter the illusion. Disrupt the
flow, interrupt the comfortable coma. Blam! Without warning,
you come to - right in the middle of the scene, in the
middle of a speech, sometimes, into this moment of pure
awareness so powerful it knocks everything else out of
your head. The rest of the speech, every bit of business,
the rest of the scene, the whole stinking play. Which means
you're fucked, and the other players don't even know what's
you are, standing centre stage, completely zoned and clueless,
with the whole world staring at you waiting for you to
get on with it. The other players are still locked in the
spell. They haven't a clue you're not with them, you're
not on the page, in the scene. That you're no longer part
of the program, giving the 'lie' your all, just like the
rest of them. You've fallen out of the loop. You're not
this character you've been pretending to be, you're a fish
out of water idiot frozen in the glare of all eyes like
a deer caught in the headlights.
ain't a soul can help you get it back again.
you always find the presence of mind to sift through the
panic and find that next line. Hopefully before someone
else in the cast - or the audience - catches on you've
'lost it' for a minute. Somehow, you find a way to fudge
your way back into the fantasy.
the show must go on.
that's what's happening to me. I've come to - been knocked
out of the scene. Thrown clear of the illusion. Been made
to see the role I've been playing for exactly what it is;
only now that I know I can't get back into it again. I
can't remember my lines or what I'm supposed to do next
in order to be able to keep playing the part.
again. I can see it all. The whole damned, dirty, stinking
slice of self-concocted 'make-believe' I've been sleepwalking
through for far too long. What I've been doing, the part
I've been playing, the lies I've been speaking as truth.
it all now. God. Oh God, Daniel, I can see the truth.
see what I've done to all of us - how my efforts to hide
from what I can no longer run away from have split all
of us right down the middle. I've not only denied you and
lied to myself, I've made Carter and Teal'c take sides.
They never should have been made a part of this. This never
had anything to do with them.
had anything to do with them at all.
made them a part of it, and now they're both as caught
up in this sordid little melodrama as we are.
at my side, her hand on my arm as Teal'c goes to Daniel
and helps him up. Daniel's eyes haven't left mine. They
still hold me fast as he allows Teal'c to pull him gently
to his feet. I can't look away from either of them, though
by rights I should be hanging my head in shame.
is pretty much the way Teal'c is feeling, if the way he
is glaring at me is anything to go by. Daniel's a little
shaky but he's up. He turns to Teal'c, gives him a tight
little smile of reassurance after Teal'c asks him if he's
okay. Then Daniel says those words that make me want to
scream. Those words he hides behind when everything is
as far from what they mean as they could possibly be.
Danny? Oh, I don't think so.
up, but Teal'c isn't moving away. Not letting go of him
either. Those big, black Jaffa eyes are burning twin spots
of contempt into the middle of my forehead. Teal'c isn't
going to let this one go by without saying something.
he should. No reason I shouldn't get everything that's
coming to me. And more.
are no longer the man I thought you were, O'Neill,"
Teal'c says to me in a deep voice dripping with contempt.
Tell me something I don't know, Teal'c.
can't move as I watch Teal'c start to lead Daniel away.
After giving me a look promising me what has happened is
far from over, or dealt with. I know, I know, and I'm still
trying to get my mind around everything that's going on
when a part of me clues in Carter's still hanging on like
a burr and she's saying something to me.
Carter. What in the hell am I going to do about her?
ways, this has to be the worst part of it. In running away
I started running toward. Lying to her as well. Using her
feelings for me as a shield. Making goo goo eyes at her
like playing some damn fool teenage crush game was going
to make all the rest of it go away.
to be the lowest form of crawling scum life on any planet
in the galaxy.
been bouncing around thinking I love her or something and
checking her brains at the gate every time we've gone through
it. I had no right to do that to her. No right to deceive
her and encourage her to compromise her personal dignity
and principles. Just so she could stand by her man.
if you only knew…
babbling something about this somehow being Daniel's fault
because he shouldn't have challenged me and I know I'm
going to lose it 'cause I can't believe she can't see how
wrong I was in everything that's just gone down.
sees it. But she won't say it. Back up your CO all the
way, no matter how much of a schmuck he is? That's my girl.
Carter, listen to yourself! You should be puking your guts
out. I should know. I'm listening to this crap coming out
of your mouth, and I sure want to.
is what 'love' has done for you, trust me, you don't need
now I've completed the job. Yelled at her and told her
to get the hell back to the gate with Daniel and Teal'c.
Big man. Big hero. Why don't you just blow your brains
pretty much your answer for everything, isn't it, Jack?
The easy way out. So much easier than facing the music.
Facing up to what you've done. Facing Carter. Facing Teal'c.
Daniel, what have I done to you? I can feel your eyes on
me. Feel the hurt, the disbelief, the loss. You haven't
deserved any of this. My growing hostility toward myself,
all turned out at you. My anger, my denial. Again, all
at me, all taken out on you. You haven't deserved to be
the brunt of my cowardice and self-loathing. I've been
shit scared and crazy mad at myself but striking out at
you all this time. Beating you back, driving you away,
trying to get you out of my life, out of my…. Out of my…..
I still can't say it. I want to scream it, but I can't
even say it to myself. It's too big, too wonderful. Too
run from it any more. There's nowhere left to run. Nowhere
to hide. Anything but the truth, Jack? Well, you've done
everything you could think of to keep the demon in the
box, but he's out now, and he's laughing at you.
truth is all there is.
in so much shit the sky is brown.
it's out in the open. Now I know. What I don't know - is
what do I do now?
do I do? What do I do?
love with Daniel.
On to All I Ever Wanted