“Jack?”

“Ummm… what?  Sleeping…  Or trying to.   Whaddya want?”

“I want you to promise you’ll behave yourself tomorrow.”

“Whaddya mean, behave myself?  I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You know exactly what I mean so cut the crap, as well as the innocent routine.  I’m not buyin’ it.  You know damned well what tomorrow is and I’m telling you right now, whatever horrors you’ve concocted in your evil brain to inflict on me – think again.  Not this year, Jack. I’m not having any of it, no sir, I’m done being your major source of amusement on April Fool’s day, not playing any more, not gonna happen.  You hear me, Jack?  I mean it - no buckets of water balanced on the top of my office doorway, no salt in the sugar dispenser, no booby traps in my locker, no whoopee cushions on my chair – “

“Crap, Daniel, you sure know how to suck the fun right out of things.  Besides, that whoopee cushion – I had nuthin’ to do with it – that was Teal’c. “

“No skeletons jumping out of my closet – “

“Hey, you have to admit that was a good one.  It was a bitch to set up too, I’ll have you know, but you’re worth the effort.”

“No snakes springing out of my desk drawers, no goo in my boots or glue in my boonie – “

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point, maybe I have gotten a little carried away in the past, I’ll give you that one, I just like to get into the spirit of the holiday, and all.”

“Jack, April Fool’s Day isn’t a holiday.”

“Well, maybe not officially, but it should be!”

“Call me crazy, but just once I’d like to get through the day without being in a constant state of abject terror lurching from one petrified second to the next anticipating the next atrocity lying in wait to go off in my face.”

“Ah, my poor Danny, I guess I really have put you through it and then some.  I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not, but I’m asking you anyway.  Promise me, this year you’ll cut me a break and cut out the pranks.”

“Okay, I promise. What’s wrong now?”

“That was too easy.”

“What?”

“I said, that was too easy.  You agreed, just like that.  No arguing, no pouting, no transparent protestations of innocence.  Dammit Jack, if this is another trick, if you’re setting me up, pretending to agree to leave me in peace tomorrow in order to lull me into a sense of false complacency so I’ll let my guard down and you can really get me  – “

“Baby, I swear to you, I mean what I said.  I’m not fooling around, nothing’s gonna jump out and go ‘Boo!’ at you tomorrow, swear to God.”

“So you say.”

“Danny, trust me.  I know I’ve been a very bad boy in the past but tomorrow, I’ll be good.  I’ll be better than good, I’ll be terrific.  I’ll make it all up to you, wait and see.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Suit yourself.  But I’m telling you, you’ll be sorry you doubted me.”

“Oh God, now I’m really terrified.”

“Gimme a kiss and go to sleep.  Tomorrow is gonna be another day.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Well, April Fool’s is almost over and so far, the conniving bastard has been as good as his word.  I’ve been on a perpetual edge all day waiting for him to get me, practically jumping out of my skin at the slightest sound and he hasn’t pulled a damned thing.  Nothing.  In fact, I haven’t even seen Jack since lunch, but that doesn’t mean anything.  Even though he’s not been around – in person - that doesn’t mean he hasn’t already been in here and set something up to go off in my face while he’s off somewhere else, polishing his alibi and his ‘who me?’ expression.  Yeah, that’s just his style.  Bastard.  Or…equally as likely, he’s roped someone else into performing his twisted bidding.  That way he could technically keep his promise to me, his hands would be clean, and I’d still be…

Gotten. 

Yeah, he might not be around, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe.  Not from Jack, the criminal mastermind of practical jokesters. And I’m his favourite victim.  Honestly, I kid you not, Dr Evil has got nothing on this guy when it comes to the insidious lengths he will go to in order to get me on an ordinary day, but today…

It’s April Fool’s Day.  Jack lives for this day like a kid lives for Christmas.  I must have been nuts to think I could get him to leave me alone, today of all days.

What the hell was I thinking?

And yet, he did promise he’d be good. Pretty passionately, too.  And while he has occasionally been creative with the truth he’s never out and out lied to me.

But-but-but…it’s April Fool’s Day, Jack’s most sacred holiday.  How can he not pull some sort of horrible, awful, evil prank on me – if he doesn’t do something, he’ll explode.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I’ve got it! I know what his plan is, I know what he’s doing, oh my God, I’ve been an idiot; it’s so blindingly obvious.

He’s not gonna do a damned thing.  For real. But because we both know this is Jack we’re talking about, he knows I know he can’t let this day go by without doing something, and yet I made him promise not to so he won’t, but he knows I won’t believe him, I’ll still be expecting him to do something and making myself mental waiting for the prank that will never happen and that’s the prank!  No wait, listen, it makes sense.  That’s what he’s gonna do to me –

Nothing! 

Dammit, I’ll bet that was his master plan all along; that was the big practical joke for this year, to drive me nuts by not doing anything at all! 

And I played right into his hands!

Stupid!

Damn him, I did exactly what he wanted me to, made him promise he’d lay off of me and he lay there all big-eyed and innocent and swore he’d be good, and…I don’t believe this, but he’s kept his word and he’s still managed to do it to me again!  I’m a total basket case, having spent the entire day spooked out of my gourd expecting what was never gonna happen and he hasn’t pulled one single practical joke, hasn’t even come near me, hardly, the whole day.

Hasn’t had to.  I’ve done myself in.

Bastard.

I’ve got to wrap this up and get the hell out of here.  I’m going to finish this translation and then I’m going to go home and work my way systematically through whatever happens to be cluttering up my liquor cabinet.

I hate April Fool’s day.

Phone.  Now what.

“Daniel Jackson.”

“Hey Dannyboy, how are you enjoying your day?”

Well, I’m miserable, but I’m sure not gonna tell him that.

“Fine, just fine.  It’s been nice and quiet.”

“See, toldya I’d be good.”

Bastard, quit rubbing it in.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Well, I was just putting the finishing touches on this translation for the briefing tomorrow, and then I’m outta here.”

“Good, so you’re almost done then.  Come on over as soon as you’re finished.  I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Yeah, I’ll just bet you do.  And there we have it folks, the sound of the other shoe dropping.

Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, maybe not doing anything wasn’t the plan after all, maybe he’s still got something up his sleeve and he’s luring me over to his place so he can…get me…

Finally.

Okay, now I sound like a head case.

Wait a minute, Jack’s at home.  What’s he doing there, it’s not even four yet.

“What?  You’re home already?”

“Yeah, I booked off for the afternoon.  Had some stuff I needed to do.  So when are you coming over?”

When hell freezes over?

“Daniel?”

“Um…well, I thought, I’d go home tonight.”

Where it’s safe.

“Please, Daniel, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what you’re thinking.  You’ll see.  Just…come on over.  Pleaaaaase?”

Oh man, he’s really laying it on thick.  The sincerity in his voice is practically dripping all over me.  He gets any more ‘sincere’ I’ll drown.  Whatever he’s got planned, it’s pretty spectacular.

I’m a dead man.

“Dannnnnnyyy?”

I’m also so hopelessly in love with this shameless prick, especially when calls me that…

The begging is pretty hard to resist too.

“Okay.  I’ll be by in an hour or so.”

Schmuck.

“Great!  See you then!”

I can’t believe I’m doing this, driving myself to my own execution.

Just shoot me now; it’ll be kinder.

“Jack?”  I venture, cautiously opening the front door and poking my head through.  I blink with surprise, because the first thing assailing my senses isn’t a bucket of cold water, but the most amazing smells, wafting out of Jack’s kitchen.  I take a few more steps into the house, lured onward by the siren call of those delicious aromas.

Mmmmmmmm….

I drop my car keys on the table by the door and walk onward, letting my nose lead me, still no sign of Jack, but more wonderful smells.  He’s got the fireplace going, if that luscious aroma of wood smoke is anything to go by, and is that…

Yeah, it is.  Candles.  Jack is burning candles.  Candles.  Fire.  Soft music.  Dinner in the oven.

Okay, if this is a joke it’s a damned peculiar one.

Yep, there’s a fire going, but Jack’s not down in the living room.  However, I do see some cushions and a blanket arranged in front of the cozy inferno and – is that what I think it is?

Champagne on ice?  Chocolate covered strawberries?

Ooooooh!

That missing Colonel?  Found him.

Strong arms wind around my waist, and a hard body spoons up behind me, gently propelling me down the short hall, around the corner and into the dining room, warm lips nuzzling the side of my neck all the way.

“Sorry, babe, didn’t mean to startle you,” Jack murmurs.

“That’s okay, I’m – I’m a little…”

“Spooked,” Jack chuckles.  “You’ve been freaking out all day, waiting…for it.  The big one.  And when it didn’t happen at the SGC, and I invited you over, you thought I was gonna spring it on you as soon as you got here,” Jack breathes into my ear.

Why do I even bother?  This man knows me better than I know myself.

“Well, maybe…that…a little…” I admit, feeling a bit foolish. 

“No maybe about it,” Jack kisses my cheek and gives me a squeeze.  “You knew I couldn’t let this day go by without doing something to you, and you know what, you weren’t wrong. I’ll admit it; I’ve been bad. I have sort of broken my promise and I’m really sorry, but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me.  Come and see what I’ve done for you, Danny.”

He pushes me into the dining room and my jaw drops down to my ankles.

“How do you like my prank?”  Jack says tenderly.  “April Fools, baby.”

The table is exquisitely set for two.  Gleaming bone china plates and silverware, polished to perfection, crystal goblets, folded damask napkins complete with gleaming silver holders, an incredible floral centerpiece and gently flickering beeswax tapers ensconced in heavy silver candleholders rest atop a stunning antique lace tablecloth that must have cost a fortune.  An equally pricey merlot is breathing on the table.

He’s really gone all out.  It’s gorgeous. I’m – I’m stunned.  And let’s not forget, as the utterly divine aroma continuing to emanate from the kitchen reminds me, he’s cooked too.

For me.  Jack has done all of this, for me.

And here was me thinking…all day…

Oh Jack, I take it all back, every unkind thought I’ve harboured in my ungrateful head today, this is just sooo…sooo….

He told me I’d be sorry I doubted him.  Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“Gotcha,” Jack sighs happily, hugging me fiercely.

Oh Jack, you’ve really done me over this time, and I couldn’t be happier to have been done.

I twist about in his arms, wrap mine around his neck and kiss him hard.

“No one has ever done anything like this for me,” I tell him once I’ve let him up for air.

He strokes the side of my face with the back of his hand, his eyes tender with understanding.

“I know,” he says softly.  “That’s why I did it.”

“I love you, Jack O’Neill.”

“Backatcha, babe,” he breathes against my mouth, before laying an incredible kiss on me.

I lean against him, head swimming.

“When is dinner going to be ready?”

“Not for another hour,” Jack mumbles, nuzzling the side of my neck.  “I thought, while we were waiting, fire, champagne…”

“That’ll keep. I’ve got a better idea,” I lick his ear, feeling him shudder, my fingers busy unbuttoning his shirt.

“I like the way you think.  Race you to the bedroom.”

Jack tackles me just before I reach the bed, throwing us both heavily upon the waiting, yielding surface.  Bouncing and tussling, we make short work of stripping each other, carelessly tossing the discards all around us.  Gloriously naked, our mouths locked together, Jack grabs me and rolls me on top of him.

God, he feels so good, huge, rampant, hard, sliding against me, his hands clamped to my ass urging me on –

Doorbell?

Doorbell!

“Oh my God, Jack, someone’s at the door!”

“Mmmm, so what, ignore it, they’ll go away.”

“Jack, your truck’s outside, the lights are on, it’s obvious you’re home.”

Jack stops thrusting up against me, gnawing on my neck, and growls with frustration.  He knows exactly what I’m saying; he has to answer the door.  He is home, anyone at the door can see this, and if he doesn’t answer it, if it’s someone from the base, someone we know…

We can’t take the chance they’d assume the reason why he’s not answering…

The last thing we need right now is a bunch of SF’s busting the door down.

“Goddammit!”  Jack hisses, surging out of bed after I roll off him.  “This is just –  Goddammit!  You’re in the garage, right?” he barks, diving down to retrieve his shirt.

“Yep, like always” I nod, crawling toward the side of the bed, intending to attempt to locate my own errant apparel.  “Why?”

“No, don’t get dressed,” Jack shoots over his shoulder at me while he buttons up his shirt.  “Stay here, keep the motor running.  Whoever this is, they probably don’t know you’re here.  I’m not expecting anyone, obviously; it has to be a salesman or the paperboy or something.  Whatever, I’ll get rid of them, and then we can get back down to business,” he finishes with a leer, pulling up his shorts.

“You think that’s wise?” I grimace as the doorbell sounds again.  Whoever this is, they’re not going away. 

Unfortunately.

“Just – just trust me okay,” Jack pleads.  “I promise I’ll be right back.  Where the hell is my other sock, aw fuck it!  Don’t go anywhere!” he instructs as he stomps out of the bedroom.

Whoa.  Jack is one pissed off puppy right now.  Buddy, whatever you’re selling, you’re gonna be mighty sorry you picked this particular door to darken tonight.

Mind you, I’m not exactly jumping for joy at the moment myself.  Things were just starting to get mighty interesting before we were so rudely interrupted. 

Oh well, Jack will dust off whomever, that is if he doesn’t kill them instead, and then he’ll be back, and we can get back to…

Hmmmm, I think thoughts like this it won’t be too hard to keep things…hard…in the interim.

I’m just about to settle under the covers and see how I can suitably entertain myself while I await my lover’s return when I hear a voice that freezes my blood cold.

“Colonel, sorry to bother you, but I found that CD you were asking about.  I know you said it could wait until tomorrow, but it sounded like it was really important to you so I thought I would take a chance and bring it over tonight.  I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Carter,” Jack croaks.

I can hear the horror from here.

Oh my God, Sam!  The last person we were expecting, and given what’s in Jack’s living room and his dining room, not to mention his kitchen and his bedroom, the worst possible person who could show up right now.

Oh my God, Jack, whatever you do, don’t let her through the door, this is –

“Here you go, Sir, I won’t stay very long, mind you, if you’ve got a beer to spare, I wouldn’t say no.  Oh my, what lovely music, positively romantic… “

“Carter, uh, Carter, um – thanks for the – but-but-but that is, I mean – Oh my God, don’t go down there!”

“Oh….Oh my….”

…not happening, this is not happening.

“Colonel!”  She gushes.  “Oh!  It’s beautiful!  I can’t believe you’ve done this!  Is all this – for - me?”

No, it’s not, but because you’ve got this bizarre idea in your head you and Jack are an ‘item’ – in this strange and slightly scary fantasy world you inhabit, who else would it be for?

Certainly not the archaeologist who’s currently naked in the colonel’s bed.

Omigawd, I’m naked in Jack’s bed.  And Sam is in the living room, with my colonel, probably this very minute starting to chow down on my chocolate covered strawberries and champagne.

Dammit, I have to get dressed, and I have to get out of here without being seen.  There is no way we could explain me being here and coming from the direction of the bedroom when Jack’s house is obviously all tricked out for a heavy-duty romantic rendez-vous.

Feeling sick, furious and down-right disgusted I frantically scramble about the room searching for my clothes while out in the living room the sordid saga continues to unfold.  Sam gushes and burbles and obliviously proceeds to jump through horrendously huge hoops of erroneous conclusion.

“Oh, you sweet, sweet man.  That’s why you asked me for this, you were going to surprise me!  And I spoiled it by getting here too early!  Before you could call me and invite me over.”

“Yeah…um…sure.  Um…that…”

“Well, I’m here now…Sir…”

I can’t see Jack, but I can hear him.  He sounds like he’s swallowed a hamster and it got stuck in his throat halfway down.  He probably wants to die, and right now, I’m half inclined to help him on his way.

Cheerfully.

Okay, here’s the way we’ll play this.  I’ll shoot Jack, right between the eyes, and then, I’ll shoot myself.  We could do the whole, Romeo and Juliet thing; expire in each other’s arms, right under Sam’s nose.  Why not, it wouldn’t be any more absurd than the drama already unfolding here tonight.

Either way, Sam’s still gonna get to eat my dinner.

Is that the sound of a cork popping?  Dammit!

“Open up, Sir,” Sam giggles.

I think I’m gonna throw up.  It’s time to get out of here before I hurl.

I finish tying my shoes, and that’s when I remember my car keys are on the table by the door.  Shit!  Well, Jack’s a quick thinker, he probably pocketed them before Sam saw them but that means…

I’m walking until I can get far enough away to call a cab.

No wait.  I left my cell on my desk.

I’m still walking.  Goddammit.

I flatten myself against the wall, creeping carefully along the hallway towards the front door, listening to the one-sided conversation. They’re still below me, in the living room, Sam is prattling on a mile a minute, giggling and cooing like a teen-ager, and Jack has stopped sputtering.

I risk a glance around the corner.

Jack has his hand on the small of her back, and is moving them out onto the deck, no doubt to give me a chance to slip out the front door unobserved by his uninvited guest.  I grit my teeth as Sam airily waves the champagne flute she’s clutching in her right hand and turns to beam at him before starting to suck the chocolate off the huge strawberry she’s clutching in her left.

They are both soooo lucky I don’t have a gun right now.

There isn’t a court in the world that would convict me!

Well, from the sounds of things they’re safely out of harm’s way and I’d best do the same with myself.  So long, Jack, I’m outta here, and you, my friend are on your own.  Enjoy your dinner.

I hope you choke on it.

You know what, neither one of us escaped this damned day unscathed after all.  This is probably the biggest prank ever, and we’re both the fools.

Goddamned phone, I was almost asleep.  Three guesses who it is.  It’s a little after midnight, and if it’s Jack, and he’s only just made it to the phone, I hope that means it’s because he’s spent a couple of hours getting up the guts to call me and not he’s only just managed to get Sam the hell out the door.

Better not be that or I’ll kill him.

I should just let it ring.  I should let him hang out to dry for awhile, possibly the next year or two, and see how he likes it.

I can’t believe Sam ate my dinner.  I can’t believe my lover went to all that time, trouble and expense to set up an incredible romantic evening for me and then spent it with Sam.

I’d better answer it; he’ll just keep calling.

“What?”

“Danny, you okay?”

“What do you think?  So, how did Sam enjoy my dinner?”

“She was mighty impressed. It turned out pretty good.”

“I’m sure it did.  What did we have?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“No, I guess not.  Bad enough she got my dinner – and my chocolate covered strawberries as well.”

“Fraid so.”

“Dessert?”

“Yeah.  You would have really liked it.  Sam had seconds.  You know, when she puts her mind to it, she can really pack it away.”

“Thanks for sharing that with me. Well, she’d better not have assumed what you had going on in your pants when you answered that door was for her too.”

“No worries there, as soon as I saw her, nothin’ to see, if you know what I mean.  Sorry about…the…fuckus…interruptus…too.”

“Oh well, not like it’s never happened before.”

“It sure wasn’t supposed to happen tonight – none of this was supposed to happen, this was gonna be one hell of a night, I planned it all so carefully, I wanted it to be just perfect – for you…

“I – I know.   You’d better not have kissed her!”

“What ?  No, of course not!  Ewwww!”

“Just checking.”

“So, did you…”

“Eat?  Yeah.  I picked up Chinese on the way home.”

“I’m so sorry, Danny. I swear to God, she just barged in before I could stop her and then of course, when she saw – she just assumed…”

“I know damned well what she assumed.  Now do you believe what I’ve been trying to tell you all this time about how serious she is about you?”

“God yeah, Danny, I sure do now, and it’s just gotten a hell of a lot worse.  I gotta tell you, buddy, we’re in some serious shit here.  After tonight’s fiasco, she’s thinking we’re practically engaged or something.”

“No Jack, you’re in serious shit. This has got nothing to do with me.  You’re the one who’s been leading Sam on, letting her think you’re in love with her and not doing a damned thing to set her straight.  And you’re the only one who can fix this.”

“I know, I know, but after tonight – well, because of what she saw…and thought, in order to cover up…you know, I had to go through with it.  We had dinner – together – a dinner she thinks I made for her, and now I can’t just come out and – well, now we’ve gone and…done it… um – not that, but the dinner…thing… I’m in kind of in a bind, I mean, how do I explain, if the dinner wasn’t really meant for her and I tell her that now – well, then how do I explain why I let her think when she showed up here tonight it was for her, instead of telling her who it was really for?  Especially since as far as she thinks, and yeah, I’ve let her think, there isn’t anyone else…but her.”

“You’re really in it up to your eyeballs, aren’t you Jack?”

“Pretty much.”

“It’s your own damned fault, you know that.”

“Yep.”

“And if I had a brain in my head I’d wash my hands of you and leave you to clean up your own mess.”

“Yeah…you should.”

“But you know I won’t.”

“Yeah.  Have I told you lately I love you, Doctor J.?”

“Well, you’d made a good start tonight, that is before Sam showed up.”

“I swear I’ll make it up to you, Danny.”

“Yes, you will.  A replacement dinner is just the start, by the way.”

“Whatever you want, Danny, I’m your man.  No matter what Carter thinks.  And as far as the rest of the day goes, I know I promised there wouldn’t be any pranks, but I didn’t count on Carter screwing up my best-laid plans to get laid and all.  But if it’s any consolation, for once the joke was on me and I turned out the be the biggest fool of all.”

“It isn’t, and I guess you did, but you know what, you’re my fool.  And if it’s all the same I think I’ll keep you.”

“Pranks and all?”

“Yeah.”

“Good night, baby, sleep tight.  See you tomorrow.”

“You bet – oh, and Jack, you’ll have to pick me up tomorrow.  My car’s still in your garage.”

“Oh yeah.  Sorry about that too.”

“That’s okay, it was a nice night for a walk.”

“Oh my God, you are so gonna make me pay for this aren’t you?”