FOOLS BY PHOENIXE
||Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed
relationship, which usually involves sex.
||Established Relationship, Holiday fic, Humour, Angst,
||Season 7, No Spoilers, Second Story in the 'Holiday
||It's April Fools Day and who's foolin' whom?
||Not recommended for Sam fans! Definitely anti-ship.
||54 Kb Completion Date 16 Apr 06. After I finished
Luck O' the Irish I wanted to see what would happen next but couldn't think
of anything for any appropriate holidays and then the April Mini-challenge
came up on Pepe's list and well...
Sleeping… Or trying to.
you to promise you’ll behave yourself
mean, behave myself?
I have no idea what
you’re talking about.”
exactly what I mean so cut the
crap, as well as the innocent routine. I’m not buyin’ it. You know damned well what tomorrow is and I’m telling
you right now, whatever horrors you’ve
concocted in your evil brain to inflict
on me – think again.
Not this year, Jack. I’m not
having any of it, no sir, I’m done
being your major source of amusement
on April Fool’s day, not playing any
more, not gonna happen. You hear me, Jack? I mean it - no buckets of water balanced on the
top of my office doorway, no salt in
the sugar dispenser, no booby traps
in my locker, no whoopee cushions on
my chair – “
Daniel, you sure know how to suck the fun
right out of things. Besides,
that whoopee cushion – I had nuthin’ to
do with it – that was Teal’c. “
skeletons jumping out of my closet – “
have to admit that was a good one. It was a bitch to
set up too, I’ll have you know, but
you’re worth the effort.”
snakes springing out of my desk drawers,
no goo in my boots or glue in my boonie
okay, you’ve made your point, maybe I have
gotten a little carried away
in the past, I’ll give you that one,
I just like to get into the spirit
of the holiday, and all.”
April Fool’s Day isn’t a holiday.”
maybe not officially, but it should
crazy, but just once I’d like to get
through the day without being in a
constant state of abject terror lurching
from one petrified second to the next
anticipating the next atrocity lying
in wait to go off in my face.”
poor Danny, I guess I really have put you
through it and then some. I’m sorry.”
you’re not, but I’m asking you anyway. Promise me, this
year you’ll cut me a break and cut
out the pranks.”
promise. What’s wrong now?”
that was too easy.
You agreed, just like that. No arguing, no pouting,
no transparent protestations of innocence. Dammit Jack, if
this is another trick, if you’re setting
me up, pretending to agree to leave
me in peace tomorrow in order to lull
me into a sense of false complacency
so I’ll let my guard down and you can
really get me – “
swear to you, I mean what I said. I’m not fooling
around, nothing’s gonna jump out and
go ‘Boo!’ at you tomorrow, swear to
know I’ve been a very bad boy in the
past but tomorrow, I’ll be good. I’ll be better than
good, I’ll be terrific. I’ll make it all up to you, wait and see.”
don’t believe you.”
But I’m telling you, you’ll be
sorry you doubted me.”
now I’m really terrified.”
kiss and go to sleep.
Tomorrow is gonna be another
what I’m afraid of.”
Fool’s is almost over and so far, the
conniving bastard has been as good as
I’ve been on a perpetual edge all
day waiting for him to get me, practically
jumping out of my skin at the slightest
sound and he hasn’t pulled a damned
thing. Nothing. In fact, I haven’t
even seen Jack since lunch,
but that doesn’t mean anything. Even though he’s
not been around – in person - that
doesn’t mean he
hasn’t already been in here and set
something up to go off in my face while
he’s off somewhere else, polishing his
alibi and his ‘who me?’ expression.
Yeah, that’s just his style. Bastard. Or…equally as likely,
he’s roped someone else into
performing his twisted bidding. That way he could
his promise to me, his hands would be
clean, and I’d still be…
might not be around, but that doesn’t
mean I’m safe.
Not from Jack, the criminal
mastermind of practical jokesters. And
I’m his favourite victim.
Honestly, I kid you not, Dr
Evil has got nothing on this
guy when it comes to the insidious
lengths he will go to in order to get
me on an ordinary day, but today…
April Fool’s Day.
Jack lives for this day like
a kid lives for Christmas.
I must have been nuts
to think I could get him to leave me
alone, today of all days.
hell was I thinking?
And yet, he
did promise he’d be good. Pretty
passionately, too. And
while he has occasionally been creative with the truth
he’s never out and out lied to me.
April Fool’s Day, Jack’s most sacred
How can he not pull some
sort of horrible, awful, evil prank on me
– if he doesn’t do something,
minute, wait a minute, I’ve got
it! I know what his plan is, I know what
he’s doing, oh my God, I’ve been an
idiot; it’s so blindingly
gonna do a damned thing.
For real. But because we both know
this is Jack we’re talking about,
he knows I know he can’t let this day
go by without doing something, and
yet I made him promise not to
so he won’t, but he knows I won’t believe
him, I’ll still be expecting him to
do something and making myself mental
waiting for the prank that will never
happen and that’s the prank! No wait, listen,
it makes sense. That’s
what he’s gonna do to me –
I’ll bet that was his master plan all
along; that was the big practical joke for
this year, to drive me nuts by not
doing anything at all!
played right into his hands!
Damn him, I
did exactly what he wanted me to,
made him promise he’d lay off
of me and he lay there all big-eyed
and innocent and swore he’d be good,
and…I don’t believe this, but he’s
kept his word and he’s still
managed to do it to me again! I’m a total basket
case, having spent the entire day spooked
out of my gourd expecting what was
never gonna happen and he hasn’t pulled
one single practical joke, hasn’t even
come near me, hardly, the whole day.
I’ve done myself in.
to wrap this up and get the hell out of
I’m going to finish this
translation and then I’m going to go
home and work my way systematically
through whatever happens to be cluttering
up my liquor cabinet.
April Fool’s day.
Phone. Now what.
Dannyboy, how are you enjoying your
miserable, but I’m sure not gonna tell him
It’s been nice and quiet.”
toldya I’d be good.”
quit rubbing it in.
was just putting the finishing touches on
this translation for the briefing
tomorrow, and then I’m outta here.”
you’re almost done then.
Come on over as soon as you’re
I’ve got a surprise for you.”
I’ll just bet you do. And
there we have it folks, the sound of
the other shoe dropping.
I’ve got it all wrong, maybe not doing
anything wasn’t the plan after
all, maybe he’s still got something up
his sleeve and he’s luring me over to
his place so he can…get me…
Okay, now I
sound like a head case.
minute, Jack’s at home.
What’s he doing there, it’s not
even four yet.
“What? You’re home already?”
booked off for the afternoon.
Had some stuff I needed to do. So when are you
I thought, I’d go home tonight.”
Daniel, I know what you’re thinking, but
it’s not what you’re thinking. You’ll see. Just…come on over. Pleaaaaase?”
he’s really laying it on thick. The sincerity in
his voice is practically dripping all
over me. He
gets any more ‘sincere’ I’ll drown. Whatever he’s got
planned, it’s pretty spectacular.
so hopelessly in love with this shameless
prick, especially when calls me that…
is pretty hard to resist too.
“Okay. I’ll be by in an
hour or so.”
“Great! See you then!”
believe I’m doing this, driving myself
to my own execution.
me now; it’ll be kinder.
venture, cautiously opening the front door
and poking my head through.
I blink with surprise, because
the first thing assailing my senses
isn’t a bucket of cold water, but the
most amazing smells, wafting out of
Jack’s kitchen. I
take a few more steps into the house,
lured onward by the siren call of those
I drop my
car keys on the table by the door and walk
onward, letting my nose lead me, still
no sign of Jack, but more wonderful
got the fireplace going, if that luscious
aroma of wood smoke is anything to
go by, and is that…
is. Candles. Jack is burning
candles. Candles. Fire. Soft music. Dinner in the oven.
this is a joke it’s a damned peculiar
there’s a fire going, but Jack’s not
down in the living room.
However, I do see some cushions and
a blanket arranged in front of the
cozy inferno and – is that what I think
Chocolate covered strawberries?
wind around my waist, and a hard body
spoons up behind me, gently propelling
me down the short hall, around the
corner and into the dining room, warm
lips nuzzling the side of my neck all
babe, didn’t mean to startle you,”
okay, I’m – I’m a little…”
“You’ve been freaking out all
day, waiting…for it.
The big one.
And when it didn’t happen at
the SGC, and I invited you over, you
thought I was gonna spring it on you
as soon as you got here,” Jack breathes
into my ear.
Why do I
This man knows me better than I
maybe…that…a little…” I admit,
feeling a bit foolish.
about it,” Jack kisses my cheek and
gives me a squeeze.
“You knew I couldn’t let this
day go by without doing something to
you, and you know what, you
weren’t wrong. I’ll admit it; I’ve
been bad. I have sort of broken my promise
and I’m really sorry, but I’m hoping
you’ll forgive me.
Come and see what I’ve done for
me into the dining room and my jaw drops
down to my ankles.
you like my prank?”
Jack says tenderly.
“April Fools, baby.”
is exquisitely set for two.
Gleaming bone china plates and
silverware, polished to perfection,
crystal goblets, folded damask napkins
complete with gleaming silver holders,
an incredible floral centerpiece and
gently flickering beeswax tapers ensconced
in heavy silver candleholders rest
atop a stunning antique lace tablecloth
that must have cost a fortune. An equally pricey
merlot is breathing on the table.
really gone all out.
It’s gorgeous. I’m –
And let’s not forget, as the
utterly divine aroma continuing to emanate
from the kitchen reminds me, he’s cooked
For me. Jack has done all
of this, for me.
was me thinking…all day…
Oh Jack, I
take it all back, every unkind thought
I’ve harboured in my ungrateful head
today, this is just sooo…sooo….
He told me
I’d be sorry I doubted him.
Sorry doesn’t even begin to
Jack sighs happily, hugging me fiercely.
you’ve really done me over this time,
and I couldn’t be happier to have been
about in his arms, wrap mine around his
neck and kiss him hard.
has ever done anything like this for
me,” I tell him once I’ve let him up
the side of my face with the back of his
hand, his eyes tender with understanding.
know,” he says softly.
“That’s why I did it.”
you, Jack O’Neill.”
babe,” he breathes against my mouth,
before laying an incredible kiss on me.
against him, head swimming.
dinner going to be ready?”
another hour,” Jack mumbles, nuzzling
the side of my neck. “I
thought, while we were waiting, fire, champagne…”
keep. I’ve got a better idea,” I lick
his ear, feeling him shudder, my fingers
busy unbuttoning his shirt.
the way you think.
Race you to the bedroom.”
tackles me just before I reach the bed,
throwing us both heavily upon the waiting,
Bouncing and tussling, we make
short work of stripping each other,
carelessly tossing the discards all
around us. Gloriously
naked, our mouths locked together,
Jack grabs me and rolls me on top of
feels so good, huge, rampant, hard,
sliding against me, his hands clamped to
my ass urging me on –
God, Jack, someone’s at the door!”
what, ignore it, they’ll go away.”
your truck’s outside, the lights are on,
it’s obvious you’re home.”
thrusting up against me, gnawing on my
neck, and growls with frustration. He knows exactly
what I’m saying; he has to answer the
door. He is
home, anyone at the door can see this,
and if he doesn’t answer it, if it’s
someone from the base, someone we know…
take the chance they’d assume the reason
why he’s not answering…
thing we need right now is a bunch of
SF’s busting the door down.
“Goddammit!” Jack hisses, surging
out of bed after I roll off him. “This is just – Goddammit! You’re in the garage,
right?” he barks, diving down to retrieve
like always” I nod, crawling toward the
side of the bed, intending to attempt to
locate my own errant apparel. “Why?”
don’t get dressed,” Jack shoots over
his shoulder at me while he buttons up his
“Stay here, keep the motor
Whoever this is, they probably
don’t know you’re here.
I’m not expecting anyone,
obviously; it has to be a salesman or the
paperboy or something.
Whatever, I’ll get rid of them,
and then we can get back down to
business,” he finishes with a leer,
pulling up his shorts.
think that’s wise?” I grimace as the
doorbell sounds again.
Whoever this is, they’re not
just trust me okay,” Jack pleads. “I promise I’ll
be right back. Where
the hell is my other sock, aw fuck
it! Don’t go
anywhere!” he instructs as he stomps
out of the bedroom.
Whoa. Jack is one pissed
off puppy right now.
Buddy, whatever you’re selling,
you’re gonna be mighty sorry you picked
this particular door to darken tonight.
I’m not exactly jumping for joy at the
Things were just starting to get
mighty interesting before we were so
Jack will dust off whomever, that is if he
doesn’t kill them instead, and then
he’ll be back, and we can get back to…
think thoughts like this it won’t be too
hard to keep things…hard…in the
about to settle under the covers and see
how I can suitably entertain myself while
I await my lover’s return when I hear
a voice that freezes my blood cold.
sorry to bother you, but I found that CD
you were asking about.
I know you said it could wait
until tomorrow, but it sounded like
it was really important to you so I
thought I would take a chance and bring
it over tonight.
I’m not interrupting anything,
I can hear
the horror from here.
Oh my God, Sam! The last
person we were expecting, and given
what’s in Jack’s living room and
his dining room, not to mention his
kitchen and his bedroom, the worst
possible person who could show up right
Oh my God,
Jack, whatever you do, don’t let her
through the door, this is –
you go, Sir, I won’t stay very long,
mind you, if you’ve got a beer to spare,
I wouldn’t say no.
Oh my, what lovely music,
positively romantic… “
uh, Carter, um – thanks for the –
but-but-but that is, I mean – Oh my God,
don’t go down there!”
happening, this is not happening.
“Colonel!” She gushes. “Oh! It’s beautiful! I can’t believe
you’ve done this!
Is all this – for - me?”
not, but because you’ve got this bizarre
idea in your head you and Jack are an
‘item’ – in this strange and
slightly scary fantasy world you inhabit,
who else would it be for?
not the archaeologist who’s currently
naked in the colonel’s bed.
I’m naked in Jack’s bed. And Sam is
in the living room, with my
colonel, probably this very minute
starting to chow down on my
chocolate covered strawberries and
have to get dressed, and I have to get out
of here without being seen. There is no way
we could explain me being here and
coming from the direction of the bedroom
when Jack’s house is obviously all
tricked out for a heavy-duty romantic
sick, furious and down-right disgusted I
frantically scramble about the room
searching for my clothes while out in
the living room the sordid saga continues
Sam gushes and burbles and
obliviously proceeds to jump through
horrendously huge hoops of erroneous
sweet, sweet man.
That’s why you asked me for this,
you were going to surprise me! And I spoiled it
by getting here too early! Before you could call me and invite me over.”
I’m here now…Sir…”
see Jack, but I can hear him.
He sounds like he’s swallowed
a hamster and it got stuck in his throat
He probably wants to die, and right
now, I’m half inclined to help him
on his way.
here’s the way we’ll play this.
I’ll shoot Jack, right between
the eyes, and then, I’ll shoot myself. We could do the
whole, Romeo and Juliet thing; expire
in each other’s arms, right under Sam’s
nose. Why not,
it wouldn’t be any more absurd than
the drama already unfolding here tonight.
Sam’s still gonna get to eat my
Is that the
sound of a cork popping?
Sir,” Sam giggles.
I’m gonna throw up.
It’s time to get out of here
before I hurl.
tying my shoes, and that’s when I
remember my car keys are on the table by
Well, Jack’s a quick thinker, he
probably pocketed them before Sam saw them
but that means…
walking until I can get far enough away to
call a cab.
No wait. I left my cell on
myself against the wall, creeping
carefully along the hallway towards the
front door, listening to the one-sided
conversation. They’re still below me,
in the living room, Sam is prattling
on a mile a minute, giggling and cooing
like a teen-ager, and Jack has stopped
I risk a
glance around the corner.
his hand on the small of her back, and is
moving them out onto the deck, no doubt
to give me a chance to slip out the
front door unobserved by his uninvited
guest. I grit
my teeth as Sam airily waves the champagne
flute she’s clutching in her right
hand and turns to beam at him before
starting to suck the chocolate off
the huge strawberry she’s clutching in
both soooo lucky I don’t have a gun
isn’t a court in the world that would
the sounds of things they’re safely out
of harm’s way and I’d best do the same
So long, Jack, I’m outta here,
and you, my friend are on your own. Enjoy your dinner.
I hope you
choke on it.
what, neither one of us escaped this
damned day unscathed after all. This is probably
the biggest prank ever, and we’re both
phone, I was almost asleep.
Three guesses who it is. It’s a little after
midnight, and if it’s Jack, and he’s
only just made it to the phone, I hope
that means it’s because he’s spent
a couple of hours getting up the guts
to call me and not he’s only
just managed to get Sam the hell out
not be that or I’ll kill him.
just let it ring.
I should let him hang out to dry
for awhile, possibly the next year
or two, and see how he likes
I can’t believe
Sam ate my dinner.
I can’t believe my lover went
to all that time, trouble and expense
to set up an incredible romantic evening
for me and then spent it with Sam.
better answer it; he’ll just keep
So, how did Sam enjoy my dinner?”
mighty impressed. It turned out pretty
sure it did.
What did we have?”
really want to know?”
Bad enough she got my dinner –
and my chocolate covered strawberries as
“Yeah. You would have really
liked it. Sam
had seconds. You know, when she puts her mind to it,
she can really pack it away.”
for sharing that with me. Well, she’d
better not have assumed what you had going
on in your pants when you answered
that door was for her too.”
worries there, as soon as I saw her,
nothin’ to see, if you know what I mean. Sorry about…the…fuckus…interruptus…too.”
not like it’s never happened before.”
wasn’t supposed to happen tonight –
none of this was supposed to happen, this
was gonna be one hell of a night, I
planned it all so carefully, I wanted
it to be just perfect – for you…
“I – I
You’d better not have kissed
“What ? No, of course not! Ewwww!”
“Eat? Yeah. I picked up Chinese
on the way home.”
sorry, Danny. I swear to God, she just
barged in before I could stop her and then
of course, when she saw – she just
damned well what she assumed.
Now do you believe what
I’ve been trying to tell you all this
time about how serious she is about
yeah, Danny, I sure do now, and it’s
just gotten a hell of a lot worse. I gotta tell you,
buddy, we’re in some serious shit here. After tonight’s
fiasco, she’s thinking we’re practically
engaged or something.”
you’re in serious shit. This has
got nothing to do with me. You’re the one who’s
been leading Sam on, letting her think
you’re in love with her and not doing
a damned thing to set her straight. And you’re the only
one who can fix this.”
I know, but after tonight – well,
because of what she saw…and thought, in
order to cover up…you know, I had to go
through with it.
We had dinner – together – a
dinner she thinks I made for her, and
now I can’t just come out and – well,
now we’ve gone and…done it… um – not
that, but the dinner…thing…
I’m in kind of in a bind, I mean, how
do I explain, if the dinner wasn’t
really meant for her and I tell her
that now – well, then how do
I explain why I let her think when
she showed up here tonight it was
for her, instead of telling her who it was
Especially since as far as she
thinks, and yeah, I’ve let her think,
there isn’t anyone else…but
really in it up to your eyeballs, aren’t
your own damned fault, you know that.”
“And if I
had a brain in my head I’d wash my hands
of you and leave you to clean up your
know I won’t.”
“Yeah. Have I told you
lately I love you, Doctor J.?”
you’d made a good start tonight, that is
before Sam showed up.”
I’ll make it up to you, Danny.”
A replacement dinner is just the
start, by the way.”
you want, Danny, I’m your man. No matter what Carter
as far as the rest of the day goes,
I know I promised there wouldn’t be
any pranks, but I didn’t count on Carter
screwing up my best-laid plans to get
laid and all. But
if it’s any consolation, for once the
joke was on me and I turned out the
be the biggest fool of all.”
isn’t, and I guess you did, but you know
what, you’re my fool. And
if it’s all the same I think I’ll keep you.”
night, baby, sleep tight.
See you tomorrow.”
– oh, and Jack, you’ll have to pick me
My car’s still in your garage.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry about that
okay, it was a nice night for a walk.”
God, you are so gonna make me pay for this
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