||Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed
relationship, which usually involves sex.
||Pre slash, Romance, Angst Episode Tag for Fallen, sort
||Season 7. shortly after Daniel descends and before they
go on the Mission to take on Anubis. Spoilers for Fallen, Meridian and
a smattering of Shades of Grey.
||Convinced he's done terrible things to warrant his 'descencion',
Daniel confesses to Jack he's afraid to remember.
||Not a one.
|| 59 Kb Originally completed July 2005, posted to
the net Apr 2007
Notes: The Space Channel was playing
the ST:NG first season ep - don't remember the title, where Riker gets
the power of the Q, briefly, and watching clean-shaven Frakes posturing
grandly on the bridge doing his wonderful Capt Kirk playing God impersonation
reminded me I still had this story out in zine limbo. (JD Divas, Yadda
Press.) Kinda like coming full circle, if you will, seeing as how this
episode was the one inspired me to write the tale in the first place.
I love Daniel Jackson, love him, love him love him. I think he is the
most incredible, original, unique character ever created in sci fi, possibly
a whole lot of other genres as well. He breaks through just about every
cliche, is completely in a class by himself when it comes to his accomplishments,
the growth of the character, what he's endured and triumphed over, what
he has become, well, you name it, Daniel is just darned special. Anyway,
a couple of years ago I was watching this ST:NG episode and contemplating
the central theme, the whole, 'absolute power corrupts absolutely', kinda
more than a bit of a hoary old standard, been visited quite a bit, and
usually the characters who are tested and given this grand power, like
Riker is by the Q - fail miserably. They can't handle it, go nutso and
start killing people and blowing shit up, planets, stars, universes, you
know, really bad stuff, and that 'failure' is the whole point of the story.
The absolute power corrupting...riff. Usual moral of the story, no one
mere human can handle godlike powers, or so it has been, all through Sci
Fi, from the original first episode of Star Trek (not the pilot) through
to comic epics like the Dark Phoenix Saga, to the present day. Like Riker,
the power runs them and the whole thing usually isn't pretty, that is,
until we get to Daniel Jackson. Did I say I love Daniel? I might have
mentioned it in passing. Once again, when it comes to this particular
'test', he proves there is and has never been anyone else quite like him,
for when he becomes an ascended and gets all this lovely godlike power
he does not fall victim to the 'absolute power' curse (yes, I know in AP
he does, but it was the Goa'uld in him drove him to it!) Daniel is given
unimaginable power and not only does not blow up the universe, he doesn't
even use it, following rules he does not believe in he doesn't do ANYTHING
with it, until his own conscience intervenes and when he does act, he only
uses the power he's been given to help and protect his friends and to do
good. (this has further been borne out since this story was written by
events in Season 10, which I won't go into for spoiler considerations,
but if you haven't seen it yet, trust me, it's great and so is he!) So,
to make a long intro short, once I realized this about Daniel, I decided
to write a story around this theme, celebrating his uniqueness and recognizing
this unique accomplishment in Sci Fi. This be it, and I hope you like
it! Lovely illo below originally accompanied the story in JD Divas, and
is by Biblio.
I called you Jim," I say to the tall,
silent man behind me ushering me through
his front door with a solicitous hand
to the small of my back. "I didn't mean… I was teasing you."
sort of true.
What is absolutely the truth,
however, I never had any doubt
about his name.
The moment I first saw him on
Vis Uban it came to me, almost
instantly, with frightening clarity,
bursting into my brain like this huge,
Jack. That man was Jack. I didn't know who
or what a Jack was, but whatever
it was, he was it.
It scared me
spit-less, to know this, so clearly, so
easily, and with such blazing certainty,
after having spent practically every
conscious minute since I first…awoke
casting about through the rattling
corridors of my empty head for some
clue as to who or what I was. All those hours endlessly
dredging the echoing recesses of my
non-existent memory hoping to discover
any illuminating chicken scratches
upon the tabula rasa of my recollections,
anything, my own name even,
after all that damned desperately seeking
something and coming up
with nothing - not a blessed thing about
me or my past, I knew him.
All that fruitless mental
scrounging and I look at these people,
this man and suddenly, I know he is
Jack with more certainty than
I've had of anything I've been
told since waking up a blank and frustrated
slate in Vis Uban.
This man is
I know that; feel the truth
of it still, resonating even more strongly
within me with bone-deep recognition. When the unexpected
strangers claiming to be my friends
bursting upon my awareness told me
my name was Daniel I didn't know for
sure if I really was, hell, to be honest
I'm still not sure of the Daniel
thing, not absolutely, but I knew beyond
a doubt he was Jack.
Jack doesn't say
anything while following me through
and closing the door behind us. I don't 'remember' enough
about him to know exactly why he's
brought me here to stay over for a
couple of days, but I have to say I'm
awfully glad he has.
After the wide expanses of Vis Uban
I was going a bit squirrelly cooped up in
that mountain. I'm not sure, I don't
think I had issues with small
spaces before but for some reason I'm
finding being confined…
problems with it.
This is good. This is much better.
Even though these current surroundings
mean as little to me as every other
supposedly 'familiar' place I've already
seen, I'm glad to be here. But I hope I haven't
already screwed it up by bringing up
my previous obviously poor attempt
at humour. It
didn't go over all that well at the
time and Jack still seems to be a tad
prickly about it.
Mind you, I'm
just guessing, it's not like I actually
know the man or
used to do that, didn't we?" I
continue onward, trying to smooth over my
latest faux paux.
"Kid around with each other, I
turns, and I'm relieved to see a huge
smile on his face.
He's beaming like a little kid
who's just been told he's going to
My God, I know what that is. Not sure about my
name, but I know this.
drive each other nuts, get on each other's
nerves, bug the shit out of each
other?" he says, still grinning. "You remember that?"
Okay, what's the
right answer here?
Damn, I hate this, this
is like tap dancing through a mine
field, these people, they know me,
obviously care about me and they want
– well, let's get real here, it's not
me they want, it's
this guy Daniel I used to
be, apparently, they want him back
all the way with them, so badly, and every
time I have to let them down, remind them
I'm not him, well, not yet anyway,
not by a long shot, and maybe I won't ever
be him, maybe I won't be able to find
him, be him, remember him, remember
Crap. This sucks. I can't tell you
how much this sucks.
for an answer.
Flip a mental coin, take a chance,
go with your gut…
"Excellent!" Jack crows, slapping
me on the back so enthusiastically
I stumble forward a couple of paces. "I can stop being nice to you, now," he continues
happily onward, striding past me, into
"That's a relief, I was
starting to get hives from all the tippey-toeing."
Now, that made
absolutely no sense, but oddly enough,
it was the first truly reassuring thing
I've heard him say.
like we had an interesting
relationship," I say, continuing to
follow him, looking around, for something,
anything even slightly, vaguely
Have I been here before?
Sometimes, all the time, never? Or am I wasting
my time seeking to discover something
in these surroundings with which to
jog my memory because I've never been
here so there's nothing to see?
Not much of a
foundation there, huh?
What? What was that?
put it that way," Jack tosses back
over his shoulder while heading toward the
"I wouldn't, but you
That – that's
The kitchen's that way.
I stumble down
the stairs, into the sunken living room,
feeling a sudden need to sit down. A comfy looking
leather sofa beckons and I fall gratefully
the coffee on, it's a bit early for
Yes to the beer,
no to the feelings.
would be great," I croak back, my
This place feels…
I have been here before. Here. I was sitting right
to stow your stuff in the spare
Jack calls down while bustling
about in the kitchen.
You know where everything is."
There's a loud
clatter from above, and suddenly Jack
appears, staring down at me, an abashed,
contrite expression hanging on his
mean that the way it sounded," he
"I know you don't – "
he waves a vague hand, "but you did,
you used to, and I keep forgetting you
So I have been
A lot…I think.
I think I knew that, was starting
to know that, but Jack's just said…
I know this
it's all right," I cut in.
"I assume part of the reason
for bringing me here was an exercise
in stimulating the memory. I think… I think
this was a good idea. Me being here...again. I have been
here before, right?" I ask hopefully. "Because I think,
that is, I mean, this place feels
Jack says quietly.
"You've been here
I quip, trying to sound upbeat. Something about
Jack's eyes, the way he’s staring at
me, the intensity is so…intense. His need for
me to remember, to be this man
he misses so much while all he’s got
of him is me, the clueless schmoo
who looks like him, but still doesn't
even know him, it’s scaring me a little. Jack’s desperate
longing for this Daniel is like
a living hunger waiting to consume
me. Chew up
the bad me who's not what he wants,
spit Daniel back out.
I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I don't know what you want. Someone tell me
what to say, what to do – something
anything, throw me a clue, here!
time," Jack says suddenly, his eyes
and voice unbearably kind.
"No pressure," he shrugs. "Mi
casa es su casa.
the joint out, poke around, see if
anything around here kicks anything loose.
Feel free to handle the merchandize,"
he tells me with what I could swear
is a salacious grin.
I grin back at him, heartened by this
unexpected generosity. But
no, not unexpected.
Jack's always been a bit of a soft
touch, at least as far as I'm concerned.
Yes, he has, but
how did I know that…
I've come to
speaking, but I barely recognize my own
voice, I sound strange, and distant, like
I’m speaking from ages away, and where
the words are coming from, haven’t a
clue. My eyes
are locked on the dark ones above me
while more words come out of my mouth
and I haven’t got any more of a clue
why what I’m saying or why than I did when I
first started…mouthing off.
times have I told you, Daniel, don't touch
stuff, and now look what you've gone
and done to yourself."
crumples and he pushes violently away from
the low wall he's been leaning against,
whirling, disappearing into the kitchen
as if reeling back from a blow. God, I’ve hurt him
somehow, what I said…
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - I don't
know where that came from, what I said,
why I said it, I don't know what I've
done, how to make it better all I do
I can't do this
I know what he
wants, what they all want, but the more
I try, the closer I get…
I'm scared to
search deeper, to look harder, terrified
about what I'm going to find, what
horrible secrets I’ll uncover I'm
harbouring unbeknownst in my soul. Who is this man,
this Daniel, what the hell has he done?
Why does the
prospect of finally knowing everything he
once knew, of becoming him frighten
me so much?
I don't know
anything except I need to move, to go, I
don't know where it's just, I can't
sit here, can't wait for the next awful
thing I'm going to do or say to tear
the heart out of anyone else. This – this coming
back to this place, this life, this
was a mistake. Big, big mistake. Huge. Maybe the general
will let me take it back, go back to
Vis Uban. Arroom,
at least, was a good man.
He was a blank slate, pristine,
unsullied by any previous sin, original or
He hadn't – I hadn't…
What? What did I do?
I'm up out of
the seat heading for the door, don't know
where I'm going, I'll figure it out
but I have to…
you going?" Jack's voice catches me
as his gentle, but firm touch restrains
I look up, looking past the
troubled brown eyes I don't want to see,
my gaze on the door, so near and yet so
far, Jack's definite, immoveable presence
blocking my only escape.
me go," I desperately mumble.
know this is hard for you," Jack
entreats, grasping me by the shoulders,
making me look at him.
"But you're gonna be okay. Trust me," he finishes
with a warm smile.
I want to, I do,
right now, in this instant, a fierce
need to please this man wells up inside
me, like nothing I've ever felt before. I don't understand
it but it's so strong, so compelling
and I want to believe him, I want…
but what I don't know…
you say that?" I answer him,
miserable, and for once, not making any
effort to hide it from him.
Not that I have at all, not really,
he sees too much.
Way too much.
He shrugs off
the lie we both know I've just told him
and gives me a slight, knowing grin.
"Oh, but I
Then tell me
I've got nothing to fear.
Jack says gently, folding me into a warm
I don't struggle, falling
unresisting into him, the familiar
strength surrounding me…. God, I know
this, of all the things I wanted, when
the pain was the worst, of everything
I desperately craved and could no longer
have, this, this was what I
wanted the most, Jack's arms around
me, making it all go away, the pain,
I wanted to die
in Jack's arms and he couldn't…he
couldn't hold me…
Jack murmurs into my ear, his large,
gentle hand tenderly cradling the back of
my head, massaging my neck. I can't answer him
for a minute, too many images are bustling
through my brain screaming, accusing. I can't make sense
of any of it but underneath all of
it, the feeling of dread grows, stronger,
One thing I do
know, finally, whatever it is, haunting
me, daunting me, I can't run away from
it. I have to
face it, even if it costs me…
I stop clutching
Jack like I'm going to fall to pieces
without him to hold me together and
he gives the back of my neck a squeeze. "Okay," he says,
turning me gently around. "Come on, sit down,
talk to me, Danny."
That hits me, in a good way,
striking inside my chest with a nice,
warm, comforting ping. I try to hold onto
the fleeting, cozy sensation while
Jack sets me back down on the couch
and settles beside me.
I tried to
explain this to Sam, but she didn't…she
didn't really understand what I was
Thought she did, but then, that's
always been the way it's been with me and
She thinks she knows me, and yeah,
she does, sort of but not really, not the
Not like him.
But does he
know – does he know what he thinks
And will he still… when he really
Am I a bad man,
Have I done bad things?
I think, I think…
I barely know
you, have hardly found you and yet, now,
more than ever I don't want to lose
you know I'd…"
I start to say, my voice sounding
as shaky as I feel.
"Make a run
for it?" Jack supplies, his voice
"Like I said, I know
"You know him!" I snap. "Daniel! You know
not him! I look
like him but…but… I'm not…him, I'm
not…I don't know what I am."
what this is all about?" Jack leans
toward me, his brow furrowing with
"Daniel, look, we've told you,
it doesn't matter if you don't have all
your marbles, if you can't…remember
It’ll come, give it time.
We're here for you, as long as it
Even if you never…get it all
back," he finishes with a grimace,
but his eyes are achingly sincere.
He's trying to
mean it, he really is but it's not, not…
Not what he
that's not it," I hunch forward in
the seat, staring down at my clenched
I can't look at him right now or
I'll never get through this.
I'm not even sure I'm going to
be able to say anything else but for
his sake I have to try.
Jack gently prompts, his hand coming to
roost on my knee, imparting comforting,
I can feel myself starting to
relax, instantly responding to this
Is this the way
it's always been with us – with him?
Has he always had so much power over
me, such an absolute ability to anchor
me in the midst of the worst storm? Mere seconds ago
I doubted I could summon the courage
to finally face this and him, but now
in the light of such daunting confidence,
how can I not?
Even as I know I
don't dare disappoint him the unswerving
conviction I don't deserve him grows
like some malignant certainty on my
Daniel back," I start, stamping down
the fierce impulse to clasp the hand still
resting on my knee.
"The Daniel you used to
ascended," Jack whispers.
"I don't remember him, well,
not much anyway, but you've all told me he
was a good man."
"He was great!
You," he quickly amends,
squeezing my knee.
"You were great.
You were the best. I've
always been proud to call you my friend."
you," I tell him.
And I do, about that much. "If that's all there
was to being…him…to remembering what
I've been, and – and done I'd be okay
about it, but…"
But it's not,
there's more, more than he's saying, more
than he knows, I know it, I can feel
it, after, after, when I left him,
I've done things, terrible things,
must have, I have to have, things he
doesn't know about, and when he does…when
Oh God, oh God,
what have I done?
"Daniel? Daniel! What's going on,
what's this all about?"
scared," I force myself to tell him. "You all say I was
this - this – glorified being with
all this power. I
don't remember being it, having it,
but these Ancients are higher beings,
they are all good, and I was one of them,
and now I'm not.
There must be a reason why this
happened, not a good one. I must have
– must have done something wrong.
If they threw me out, what I did,
it must have been really bad."
Jack starts to
stir beside me, about to refute my last
statement I'm sure. He would do that,
automatically, out of sheer loyalty
to Daniel, that's the sort of man he
is, but he's wrong.
I know he's wrong. This time
I do grab his hand, to silence him.
Hear me out first. I know you
don't believe it could be possible, you believe in
Daniel; the Daniel you knew, remember,
couldn't have done anything bad enough to
have deserved…what happened to me, but
what if becoming that…thing…changed
Made him – made him something he
never would have
been without all that power, made him
nothing, lets me blather onward. Which is a good
thing, now I've got some momentum going
I don't want to stop.
Get it all out. Finally.
him, but I'm not him, Jack. I'm the end result
of whatever he did out there,
after he left you.
Whatever it was, it can't have been
"Why do you
say that?" Jack quietly asks.
stands to reason," I shrug. "I'm
here, aren't I? Why am
I here if I'm not being punished?
They threw me out, Jack, stripped
me of my memories, dumped me out in the
cold on my ass.
My naked ass, need I remind you. I must have horribly
abused the power they gave me, or why
would they have done that to me? Why would they have
cast me out without a stitch or a clue,
into the midst of a bunch of strangers,
if I didn't deserve it? God only knows what
I must have done," I shudder, the horror
of it finally starting to overwhelm
"Oh, I get
it," Jack says softly.
"I get what you're saying.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I can see why you might think that, it’s an old story,
been done to death, especially in sci
fi. Lemme see,
how does it usually go; guy gets god-like
powers, starts to mess around with
them, but it turns out he can't handle
the whole god gig.
The gift runs him, not the other
way around, he goes nutso all over the
galaxy and as a consequence has to be
taken out before he takes out the entire
universe or something. That's
the standard absolute power scenario and you figure
you're no different from every other poor
schmuck who's had it all and had it go to
You're thinking you –
I dunno, ran amuck through the
universe blowing up shit or something
until Oma or whomever stopped you,
stripped you literally and figuratively
and threw you back.
That's what you're afraid happened
to you…out there, right? Am I right?"
I nod, not
trusting my voice.
cliché, you know," he says with a
sigh, rubbing the back of my neck with his
"And I know how you feel about
Daniel?" Jack whispers, starting to
pull me closer.
"Do you know how I feel about
to admire you?
Grown to admire you? You're dying and
that's the best I can do? I'm sorry,
Daniel, I'm so sorry.
I love you, I should have told you
– and now – now it's too late.
"I – I
I…I heard him,
in those last, few fleeting seconds before
I heard his thoughts as clearly as
if he'd spoken them aloud.
But it was too late, I'd already
I was already gone…
I really did believe
I could do more good out there, but
Jack's last, final gift, even though
he didn't even know he'd given it to
me, I took it, kept it, never forgot…
A part of me has
always remembered it.
you're just going to have to trust
me," Jack's warm breath lightly
ruffles my hair.
"You would never do
that, and you didn't.
One thing I know for
certain; being all glowy didn't get the
best of you. I can't
tell you how I know – "
we're not supposed to tell you stuff. You're supposed
to remember it on your own."
"Oh yeah. I forgot."
Anyway, for reasons I am absolutely
certain of but cannot share I can tell you
with utter confidence the only reason
those stuck-up glow-for-nothings threw
you out – the only rules you
broke were the stupid ones they imposed
on you not letting you do the
good you wanted to do. They gave you all
this power, changed your body into
energy but they didn't change you. No way Jose, buddy.
You were – you still are you,
if Oma and her crew couldn't see what
they had, if they wouldn't let you
be you and trust you enough to loosen
the leash so you could go out there and
make this whole universe a better place
the way you've always done here, with us,
well, that's their damned stupid loss,
His eyes hold me
and they’re so earnest, so deep, so
compelling, begging for my trust.
Jack says I have
done no wrong.
He stands before me, unswerving in
his conviction, my absolute certainty
I need not dread the absolute corruption
I fear I'd fallen victim to.
believe, that?" I ask him, leaning in
closer to his bolstering warmth. He sighs happily
when I wind my arms around him, squeezing
Jack breathes, his lips skimming across
the side of my forehead. "I know
that Daniel. I know you. I love you."
There it is,
simple, honest, freely offered and
This is the bravest thing he's ever
done, but not the hardest.
That much I
what else, I'm tickled pink those stupid
squids threw you back.
Their loss is my gain. Danny,
Danny, believe me, you didn't do anything
If anything, you were too good for
I do, Jack. I do. I believe in you.
gilding the lily," I laugh and
snuggle closer to him, his recent
declaration still unanswered, but anything
but awkward between us.
It's not going anywhere, and neither are we.
Maybe it won't
be so bad to be Daniel after all, if this
man's faith and love come with the
Thanks to it, and him I can believe
in me, I can finally be me…
Jack says, his hand gently stroking my
"I meant every word,
I know it; I can
And you know what else, he's right. Not about the 'too
good for them' part, not that, but
the rest. He's
I did, it might not have been perfect,
any more than I am, but it was the
best I could do. And
it back, Daniel, it'll take time, but
Don't be afraid to be what you
are," he gently admonishes, tapping
his index finger against my brow. "You won't find
anything in there you need be ashamed
of, you're a good man and as long as
I've known you all you've ever done
is tried to do good.
Even when it drove me absolutely
crazy you always did your damndest to do
the right thing and to get the rest of us
to follow your program as well.
Being temporarily squidified didn't
I'd stake my life on it."
you say so."
enough for me.
nice," I say honestly.
It is, and even though we are both
now, fully, unashamedly snuggling on
Jack's big, comfy couch, as yet, neither
one of us has acknowledged this fact. Funny thing about that though, it feels so comfortable,
so very right, I'm wondering if the
reason for that…
something else, something about Jack and
me I need to remember.
start remembering…more...about my past
life, and us…will I remember
stuff…like us being…like this?
We were friends, okay, but were
Jack says after several seconds, his voice
heavy with regret. "No,
we weren't, but we should have been.
Probably would have been if I
hadn't been such a butt-head.
If I'd done things differently,
treated you…better, told you sooner…
maybe you wouldn't have…"
"I did what
I did on Kelowna to save you. That wouldn't have
Some things are
starting to come back to me. I know about Kelowna
now. I know
what happened, and why.
pieces," I murmur.
"Now I'm not afraid to, it's
starting to come back.
A little. Thanks."
problem," Jack smiles, brushing his
fingers across my cheek. "Happy
to help out. Now
we've handled that particularly emotional
crisis, and I assume we have, please
tell me if I'm mistaken."
good, glad to hear it, I wouldn't want you
nothing like that, I'm feeling pretty
that’s…that's really good.
You're feeling good."
mentioning something before, about
as a matter of fact, I was, thanks for
yes, so, where were we?
Handling things. We've handled your
first, thing, and…if you wouldn't mind,
I'd like to move on."
there's something, between us I've wanted
to…take care of – handle - if you will…for a long time.
That is, if it's okay with
I'd like that."
way to find out."
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