|Slash:||Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves sex.|
|Season/Spoilers:||Season 4. No particular spoilers.|
|Synopsis:||Sam gets analytical and feeds herself a dose of reality.|
|Warnings:||Barely there hints of S/J UST.|
It's no use. I've got the concentration faculties of a rabbit tonight.
Hmmm. Fairly apropos analogy, come to think of it.
I'm just really... confused. I'm not sure what I should be feeling. I'm even less sure just what I am feeling.
Sooooo... The colonel confessed that he has 'feelings' for me. Meaning he's attracted to me, right?
If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit I've been lusting a bit after him for quite a while. I mean, after all... I work every day with three gorgeous men, and I'm only human. And female. With perfectly functional hormonal responses.
But Teal'c is a bit too... Teal'c for that sort of thing. I'd feel a little like I was defacing some sort of monument.
That sounds awful. But he's just so... edificial.
Is that a word? Better ask Daniel. Who, lovely as he is, is just way too much like a relative for me to ever think of him that way. I'd no more sleep with him than I'd sleep with Mark. In fact, less. He's a better brother than Mark ever was.
Of course, I might just like to get a bit of kissing practice with him. He's got such a beautiful mouth.
Stop it, Major Carter. Bad, bad Sam.
So that leaves Colonel O'Neill. He's handsome, certainly virile-just ask Kinthia!-amusing, quirky, strong personality. All the things I like in a sexual partner. So he goes blank about seven words into every one of my briefings. Opposites can attract, can't they? And from the first, he's treated me like a person, even if half the time he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. Something pretty rare in the older officers.
I was certainly behaving like a grieving widow when we lost him on Edora. Vacillating between moping around with Janet and working myself to death on that particle accelerator. And I sure felt a bit of honest possessive jealousy when Laira showed us just how far she'd gotten with him!
But then, why didn't anything happen while we were marooned for those nine days? I could use Teal'c as an excuse, but somehow I think he'd have been completely unfazed if the colonel and I had killed some of that extremely boring time making like bunnies in the bushes. But not a flicker. Not even a discussion of a flicker. Just business as usual.
Then along came the dreadful Anise and her ridiculous machine. And the colonel admitting that he 'has feelings.' The machine accepted that as the truth, so I guess I have to as well. I suppose. Frankly, I'm highly doubtful the stupid thing can do what she claims it can.
The really puzzling thing is that somehow I don't seem to feel what I should feel under these circumstances.
Where's the euphoria of discovering that my affections are returned, however reluctantly? Where's the frustration and anger at the rules that prevent us from being together without either breaking up SG-1 first, or landing the colonel in Leavenworth? Where's the urge to use spare moments plotting illicit rendezvous that I know will never take place?
I don't feel any of those things. I just feel... normal. And confused.
And I'm still more interested in playing Harley Davidson with Siler than fishing with the colonel.
Okay, I know what to do under these circumstances. I'm obviously not going to get any work done until I can work through some of this crap. And the best way to do that is to chew this stuff over with my favorite conversational buddy.
So off to Daniel's office. It's late, but he'll be there. He got a batch of tapes from SG-7 this afternoon. He'll have to be pried away from them. Talking to me until 0200 will be good for him.
Aha! Light's on. He never closes his door; sometimes this office is like a train station.
Oops. Ah. Hmmmmmm. . .
Think I'll just sneak quietly back to my lab. That was very interesting.
The colonel is there with him. Standing close, leaning over his shoulder to read the computer screen. They never noticed me. Too busy noticing other things.
But... that gesture. The colonel, just brushing the back of his finger along Daniel's cheek. Such a tiny, tiny thing, but so tender.
And the look Daniel gave him! Whew.
And I thought I was confused before. I've obviously been baking a cake without having a full set of ingredients available.
So. Now where are all those feelings I'm supposed to be having?
Under these circumstances, I'm supposed to be feeling betrayed. Jealous. Hurt. Furious.
Am I feeling those things? Uh... no.
But I recognize what I do feel.