OF SGC SECURITY COVERT SURVEILLANCE OPERATION ‘SPACEMONKEY’.
Jack O’Neill, USAF
Sergeant Emily Louis, Base Security, Cheyenne Mountain Complex
10th June 2001
our covert operative was able to provide a verbatim transcript of Doctor
Jackson’s EXTREMELY frank, possibly GRAPHIC, top secret, ‘disclosure on
pain of Doctor Jackson coming around and looking at you reproachfully’
(a fate worse than death) induction of the latest intake of civilian recruits.
The induction took the form of a video presentation followed by a PowerPoint
slideshow and lecture, as you expected, with a Q&A session at the end.
All comments are Doctor Jackson’s until the Q&A transcript.
in //are observations by the covert security operative// whose identity
has, with the greatest respect, frankly been concealed to improve her chances
of survival given your explicit order to be furnished with the unexpurgated
text of the transcript.
Jackson began his presentation with a brief compilation of video clips
of Colonel O’Neill in action from various SG-1 missions. The montage had
a certain Spielbergian visceral quality that reminded me of the beach landing
in ‘Saving Private Ryan’. The clip graphically illustrated Dr Jackson’s
Jackson steps into the spotlight and commences his induction talk.
audience responded with hysteria-tinged laughter, but with DrJ giving the
talk, that was the only pain we were feeling. This guy is smokin’!.
How come nobody told me? Glad nobody gets to see this transcript
sense you REALLY, truly need to know this stuff, but at the same time,
I DON’T want to hurt Jack’s feelings. A little discretion, please.”
you want, hon. Woof!//
think of any way to phrase this tactfully, so I’m just going to say it.
Jack will hate you. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, competent
or co-operative you are, he’ll still hate you. You are scientists
and Jack has a ‘problem’ with scientists. ‘Problem’ is a polite euphemism,
or Jack-speak, for uncontrollable hatred.”
we’re being brutally honest here, Jack is pretty much a one-geek colonel
and I’m afraid none of you are the geek in question.”
two won’t like you either, and Sam…Major Carter…will argue with you, but
they’re a lot more polite about it. Oh, and whatever he may look
like, Teal’c probably won’t hurt you just because you’re not me.
I’m…fairly…certain he won’t, not unless you…um…never mind.”
became slightly confused at this point, blushed – woof woof! – and hurried
on to slide two.//
adores having people think he’s mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
was disappointed to see what I can only describe as a look of doting fondness
on DrJ’s face as he said this.//
allow yourself to be intimidated by all the sound and fury. It’s
just surface crust. Jack is a pushover with a P90, I swear.”
appeared to be alone in his serene conviction this was in fact the truth.
After the video montage, I’m afraid the rest of us were pretty much going
with homicidal maniac cum mouthy, mean spirited prick.//
have the least difficulty persuading him do the opposite of what he planned
to do, or doing what he planned to do for an entirely different reason.”
guy next to me muttered something about none of the rest of us having DrJ’s
ass-ets. I’m pretty sure he’s on General Ryan’s staff at the Pentagon,
which means we’ve got Jack The Lad on one hand and Perfect Paul on the
other. DrJ is between the devil and the deep blue sea, here.
Sooner or later, he WILL fall off this tightrope he doesn’t even know he’s
walking, bless him, and either the colonel or the major will be there to
catch him. After the video montage, I wouldn’t put it past O’Neill
to give DrJ a good hard shove.//
‘He’s intimidated by my intelligence.’ Repeat this mantra to yourself
when he chooses to ‘bond’ with you while idly hurling his knife at a nearby
tree over and over again, or while cleaning his gun. If you think
the gun cleaning is menacing, he’s getting to you. Don’t pander to
the man. Repeat your mantra and give him attitude.”
beamed at us at this point, and we beamed back, hoping he didn’t pick up
on the frankly sceptical silence. It doesn’t seem to have occurred
to the Spacemonkey that O’Neill’s bonding with him was markedly at variance
with the ritual he’d just described to us. O’Neill MEANS that shit
with the knife.//
having said all that…don't let HIS vacant stare fool YOU. Jack
is not dumb, he merely pretends to be, for tactical reasons. Most
of which have nothing to do with any actual mission objectives and everything
with his need to level the playing field by - there's no easy way to put
this, really - reducing the intellectual competition to a pool of insecure
protoplasm. If you let his continued gawping, grunting and scratching
fool you and you start muttering things like 'I don't understand how they
could make someone this dense a colonel' and slowly enunciating words like
'bet-ter' for him, he will start throwing unexpectedly erudite terms like
'ecretion disk' at you and the only one who'll be looking like a fool is
you. . He'll have you where he wants you.”
in your case, that means flat on your back, bare-assed naked and covered
in whipped cream.//
let this happen. Jack may at times not know his neutrinos from his
Geek and the Game Boy?//
Strangely enough, most of the geeks had a Donkey Kong moment here and cheered
up. They’re not just geeks. They’re nerds.//
then he doesn't have to. That's why he has us. And lest
we belittle his contribution to the effort, trust me on this, when someone
starts shooting at you, you'll appreciate HIS area of expertise."
was a moment of confusion while the nerds tried to work out which game
DrJ was referencing there, then realisation sank in and killed – you’ll
excuse the expression - the party mood stone dead.//
is not the SLIGHTEST bit interested in 99.99% of everything you say.
He tunes you out and just murmurs the occasional ‘mm hm’ or ‘are we DONE
yet?’ unless you use trigger words like ‘kill’, ‘maim’ or ‘hostage’.
‘I think she likes me’ works just as quickly, for some strange reason.”
which point the smart money is on O’Neill rampaging around fulfilling the
‘kill’ and ‘maim’ part.//
to confess I’ve had a lot of fun with his tendency to agree to whatever
you’ve just said in order to shut you up as quickly as possible, and often
without any clue about what he’s just agreed to. For example, Jack
and I are engaged to be married, he prefers crochet to hockey, and he’s
confessed a liking for wearing fishnets.”
– Daniel - paused at this point, clearly inviting us to share his little
joke. What can I say? The eyes! The lips! The smile!
O’Neill? Who cares! Just pout for the nice people, Daniel,
we’re with ya…rolling in the aisles here.//
the fishnets thing? Would NOT surprise me in the slightest.
O’Neill is SCARY. Talk about repressed.//
Moving right along from that last point. Jack's expectations vis
a vis your mission performance. They're a bit….ah…high. And
I'm not talking about whether or not you can shoot straight.
Jack might not like scientists, but he will allow we do have our uses in
the field on occasion and furthermore expects you to be omniscient when
he does actually need you.”
is indeed the case more than you'd expect or he would like to admit, actually.
While most of the time he won't want to hear from you, when he does ask
you a question - and he will if he needs to - he will expect you to have
the answer. If not immediately, then fairly quickly.
You have to pay attention, though, because the question - or when he's
asking you to explain something to him - well it isn't always obvious
he's doing it. His requests for information can take the form of pointed
and exasperated looks, grunts, rather sharp elbows to the ribs, rolling
the eyes, excited gestures and repeated and interesting variations on the
pronunciation of your name. I think I've heard him say Daniel hundreds
of different ways and it never quite means the same thing twice.”
I’m betting O’Neill is real good at subtext, then, ‘cause I bet even if
you hear ‘Daniel: I’ve got your six’, it actually means something like
‘Daniel: I want to lick warm honey from your six’. The Clue Bus just
keeps right on zooming by you, hon, huh?//
is a problem, he will expect you to have the solution. Sometimes
you will, and sometimes you won't. We're only human after all.
Whatever you do - if you're drawing a blank do NOT attempt to bluff your
way through it or lie to him. Like I said, he's not dumb. He
just acts that way."
that man an Oscar!//
probably a good idea to share a tent with Teal’c and Sam if you can.
In practical terms that means you only have to deal with Sam. Don’t
worry about her reputation.”
boy has the SWEETEST little smile. Jeez. Kind of mischievous,
you know? What am I saying? Of course you know!!!//
is the military, they think about sex all the time. Your gender is
irrelevant to the prurient, which is all of them except General Hammond.”
QUITE as clueless as we all HOPED he was. I’m blushing here.
Nobody thinks O’Neill is good enough for DrJ, but half the base IS fantasising
about the two of them together. O’Neill might be a prick, but he’s
a prick in hottie clothing.//
pretty firmly established that Sam is the kind of woman who’d bite you
as soon as look at you. And she’s got the gun, and the level three
in hand to hand combat and everything…Just stick to physics, your side
of the tent, DON’T snore, no matter WHAT, and I’m pretty sure everything
will be fine.”
tried to look encouraging at this point. Wasted effort. The
geeks were horrified, while Perfect Paul’s plant and I were still hot under
the collar, each picturing the geek of our choice and Sammie. Tell
it, Doc. Testify! We have no shame. We’re mutts.//
is sharing a tent with…Jack. He’s a…well…not to put too fine
a point on it…he’s a snuggler. You may wake up wondering how he got
in your sleeping bag with you. I know I do!”
was another little joke that fell rather flat. Everyone flashed back
to a) the video montage b) the bonding over an idly tossed knife thing.
The majority decision was pretty much we would snuggle up to a grenade
with the pin pulled before we’d snuggle up to O’Neill. The end result
would be the same regardless. O’Neill doth murder sleep and probably
you along with it.//
makes a lot of unwarranted accusations about who snuggled up to whom, who
was snoring like a buzz saw, who’s getting fat, and with a lot of juvenile
sniggering, who needs to get out more…”
good doctor trailed off at this point, confused and blushing. We
got the distinct impression he had no real protest to raise about the whole
sleeping bag thing, and I’m still amazed he didn’t drown in the resulting
sea of hormones, ‘cause even the geeks were getting off on fantasising
about Daniel and O’Neill together. Who knew? Geeks are mutts
amazing how Daniel can put two and two together and the colonel still can’t
make Daniel. You’re SURE he was Special Ops? ‘Cause if he is,
the guy is not just horny, he’s in wuv.//
you should stick with Sam regardless of gender. The worst she can
do is shoot you if you annoy her. Jack will make you WISH you were
dead. Or him!”
God. He’s chuckling. It’s adorable. If the hormone level
spikes any higher in here I’m not sure PP’s plant and I can protect him.
I AM pretty sure we could get to him first if we stick together though…and
then it’s every mutt for herself.//
impersonations? If you value your sanity, do NOT encourage him!
And when he starts doing Homer Simpson just walk away."
the gift that keeps on giving.//
knees are situationally flexible. He will reference his cartilage
problem, his ‘little ACL thing’ from time to time.”
were blank stares from the non-jock types, which allowed PP’s plant and
I to feel pleasantly superior for the first time. We know Latin they
don’t know! We know Latin they don’t know! Say it with me:
Anterior Cruciate Ligament. Actually, they’d probably know that if
we spelled it out for them. ‘We know Latin acronyms they don’t know!’
just doesn’t have the same oomph, somehow.//
times when there is work to be done, such as pitching the tents, digging
latrines, fetching or carrying anything, which is when he rubs his knee,
plants himself on the most comfy log or rock and makes a big production
job of checking stuff out with his binoculars. He even writes things
down in the little notebook he carries for added verisimilitude.”
opinion Jack has already ‘threat assessed’ the looming prospect of what
looks like too much hard work for him, and his ‘proportional response’
is to make like the colonel, knowing perfectly well Sam and Teal’c - who
are both perceptive in every other respect - will let him get away with
it every time because it’s TACTICAL.”
he takes a little walk, known euphemistically as ‘checking the perimeter
defences’ if the planet isn’t very nice, and a ‘patrol’ if it’s some gorgeous
tropical paradise and he wants to catch some rays without an audience.
If it’s pissing down, he will invariably be found inside the ‘command tent’,
i.e., whichever tent the rest of us get pitched first, doing ‘command’
things. A colonel’s work is apparently never done.”
looks deeply sceptical. PP’s plant and I both feel a pang of admiration
for O’Neill. He’s got them totally snowed. The geeks don’t
look happy with the prospect of slave labour on top of everything else
O’Neill is going to be putting them through the minute he has them at his
mercy in some arboreal off-world hellhole.//
should happen to find yourself in a situation where a certain potential
for incurring serious bodily harm exists - not that I want to alarm you
or anything, but let's be realistic here, it's a dangerous galaxy out there
- as in being taken prisoner by a hostile alien force - don't be alarmed
if Jack suddenly starts mouthing off and making a spectacle of himself
in front of the bad guys for no apparent reason. Making you want
to belt him for making a fuss and drawing attention to himself.”
No-o. Gauging audience reaction here, I’d have to say the far more
likely scenario is that our distinguished representatives of Geeks’R’Us
would be screaming stuff like ‘Shoot him! PLEASE. Just shoot
him! Shoot him NOW!’//
is actually what he's doing. He's not suddenly taken all leave of
his senses and started inexplicably acting like an asshole, he is in fact
doing his job.”
I think I’ve spotted the flaw in an otherwise stunningly perceptive observation,
and I know I’m speaking for most of us when I say: how would we tell?
Give us something to work with here, hon. A little situational clue,
‘cause looking out for an asshole behaving like…an asshole…just ain’t enough
to go on.//
protecting his team. You.”
maybe. It’s every geek for himself from where I’m sitting.//
is a tactical manoeuvre called 'drawing their fire' which Jack employs
quite effectively in tense situations to protect us. He gets the
bad guys to focus on him so they will leave us alone. It does tend
to get him shot up proportionally more than the rest of us as a result.
If your first aid skills aren't up to date, I suggest you attend to that."
this is the point you have to convince a seething, shot up O’Neill you
picked up on his cunning plan to make himself a target and you hope he
appreciates how hard it was for you to swallow your principles and play
along with him to the best of your lung capacity while in truth every part
of you yearned to intervene on his behalf. Ri-ight. Also the
perfect point to say definitively who gets your stereo, ‘cause you sure
as shit won’t be needing it after O’Neill gets through with you.
Forget the first aid: make sure your last will and testament is up to date.//
can be a tad…judgemental.”
leave out the judge part and you’ve nailed it.//
to assume, possibly on a molecular level, that everyone and everything
is a potential threat until conclusively proved otherwise, to his satisfaction,
and then, you know, he’s really very nice.”
tentative geek hand was slowly raised at this point.//
just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it’ll never happen!”
the doctor doth protest too much. He got a little defensive, mostly
because the audience couldn’t seem to quantify the level of certainty it
would take for O’Neill not to zat you where you stood just for looking
at him funny. It…showed. We were all thinking about poor Rothman
(the word had spread). DrJ could tell by the way everybody stopped
checking out his butt and started checking out their shoes, ceilings…ANYTHING.
We hurt his feelings and felt like shit. One reproachful sidelong
glance could stop a charging bull elephant in its tracks. Hell, it
could even stop O’Neill, and he’s like, 90% testosterone.//
has a regrettable tendency to blow things up. If in doubt, he throws
a bomb at it!”
rest my case re the testosterone. Meanwhile, one of the geeks felt
compelled to ask what ‘it’ was.//
Well, everything really. If he thinks it’s a threat. Or…they…are.
answer failed to reassure even me. No wonder the oh-so-Perfect Paul
is dying to get Daniel away from O’Neill.//
sure if Jack is into demolition, detonation or incineration, but he certainly
gets a lot of simple pleasure out of blowing things up.”
of the geeks made a spirited break for the briefing room door at this point,
but as the refreshment table was right by the door, and DrJ innocently
asked if he could have a glass of Evian water while she was up, no harm
has such exquisite manners. Sigh. I can’t BELIEVE he’s an orphan.
I hardly know him and already I feel compelled to search out and take out
everyone who’s ever let him down, though I suspect O’Neill got there before
me and took care of DrJ’s past with extreme prejudice.//
we're on the subject of blowing things up - when Jack gets a bit blown
up he makes the same amount of fuss over a paper cut as he does over a
sucking chest wound. It is therefore impossible to gauge the severity
of the injury by the amount of complaining/ screaming/ howling/ moaning/
whining he is making. Ignore the sound and fury and do what you have
to do. He can get pretty loud. Verbally abusive as well, if
you try to help him. He always apologises later, though. And no matter
what he says he will not make you pay for hurting him if you have to in
order to help him..."
smart enough to get the gun away from him first, huh? Thanks for
this, DrJ, really. I’m sure we’ll all sleep better in your bed knowing
O’Neill is such a sweet-talkin’ teddybear.//
then made an ill-advised attempt to lighten the leaden atmosphere with
humour. It was a brave effort, but he was dealing with the Induction
Of The Damned. They had that certain ‘we who are about to die, salute
you’ glazed look about them. I was forcibly reminded of that gladiator
in the movie. You know? The one who stood in front of Maximus
and pissed himself?//
will be really impressed if you remember these two simple facts.
Firstly, the moment the pin is pulled, Mister Grenade is NOT your friend.
Secondly, if you can’t remember which way you set up the claymore, it’s
pointing towards you!”
PP’s plant and I got it, and LOL’d. Everyone else stalled at Mister
Grenade and gaped incredulously at this sweet, gentle, truly scrumptious
archaeologist and realised he MEANT it. Bless. O’Neill would
don’t take the safety off until he tells you to or people start shooting,
whichever comes soonest.”
geek hand crept up. Take the safety off WHAT exactly? He totally
lost them when he started talking about sidearms, MP5s, staff weapons,
zat guns and something called a TPER. Losers. DrJ manages to
be a gentleman, a scholar, a soldier, a sweetie AND a hottie JUST fine
IMO!!! Talk about multi-tasking! Woo! Unfortunately,
I see every single thing O’Neill and the Perfect Paul see in him.
can be a little on the pushy side. Be prepared to be assertive over
any advice, guidance or instructions you give him.”
general audience consensus was look in the dictionary under implacable,
incessant, inexorable, persistent, relentless, unremitting and unstoppable,
and you’ll find mug shots of Colonel Jack O’Neill. Sorry, hon, this
is NOT news.//
remember that if he says something is an order, you HAVE to do it, no matter
how silly it seems. He doesn’t always have time to explain, and it’s
almost always for your own and your team’s safety.”
saved this as my last point, because in some ways it’s the most important.
Your role is a balancing act. You cannot endanger your teammates,
but at the same time your function is to present alternatives, to think
outside the box. You won’t actually be outside the chain of command,
because as a civilian consultant your 'rank' is at least the equivalent
of Jack’s. It’s your responsibility to think of things your teammates
won’t and to make sure Jack listens to you when you point them out.”
looked adorably pensive, prompting severe spikage in the hormone levels.
I suspect nothing short of a blow to the head would stop O’Neill in his
tracks long enough to be made to listen to you.//
is a very honourable man and he always TRIES to do the right thing, and
he does everything as well as he can. All I’m saying is that Jack
isn’t always RIGHT about what the right thing is. Sometimes he’s
very definite about the wrong thing. You just need to be firm with
J looked at us hopefully. We looked depressed and in some cases,
totally unnerved. Hard to balance on that high wire between lateral
thinker and mutineer with O’Neill taking pot shots at you. DrJ sighed
heart-rendingly. He was not alone.//
the best man I’ve ever known and the best friend I’ve ever had.”
CRAP. Dirty pool, here! Daniel looked HURT. We all felt
like unconscionably petty-minded selfish bastards and caved spinelessly.
Even PP’s plant joined in the encouraging noises as we strove as one to
cheer Daniel up and convince him we had a firm grip on O’Neill’s good qualities.
Fortunately, Daniel didn’t enquire too closely. I don’t think anyone
could have come up with a single O’Neill good quality apart from ‘crack
shot’ if he’d asked.//
Jackson stopped the PowerPoint presentation and invited the inductees to
partake of refreshments.
geeks hit the trough, big time; really porked it away. Things got
a little ugly when DrJ enquired about the whereabouts of his caramel apple
pie and PP’s plant was eating it. I trod heavily on PPP’s foot, but
I wasn’t the only one. Dr Kwach ‘spilled’ her coffee on him.
He looked like he wanted to make something of it, but she’s about 4’10”
and he’s about 6’4” and she still looked pissed enough to take him.
We slunk back to our seats, feeling like crap because Daniel had to make
do with a glass of Evian water. Apparently, the caramel apple was
a little treat to make up for the fact he was on a reduced caffeine intake.
Everyone was shooting PPP killing looks, except dear DrJ of course.
He just took the prick out at the knees by asking wistfully if he enjoyed
Jackson inadvertently started a loop of his initial video montage, without
you’d like to ask me some questions now? About my experiences with
Jack and SG-1?”
didn’t have the heart to tell him his experiences were playing out graphically
behind him, wide screen.//
sleep in the nude?"
No - um… I mean - that's got nothing to do with - ah! Dr Remora?”
Rafe Remora! Hah! Sounds like a friggin’ intern on ‘General
Hospital’. What’s wrong with Ralph?//
thanks for reassuring us that Colonel O’Neill’s bark is worse than his
bite, particularly when it comes to ‘bonding’. Ha ha. May I
ask if we get full benefits? Medical, dental?”
brightened up. A question he could answer without blushing.
Although he's so ADORABLE when….whew! Hot in here! Fanning
counselling, intensive psychotherapy and the like?”
Intensive - very intensive – comprehensive...therapy. Body and mind,
all part of the package. Rest assured, you're fully covered.
The military takes very good care to put you back together when you get
broken. It even goes that extra mile, thoughtfully providing you
with treatment you don't even need, all for your own good, of course. Not
to mention very private and secure accommodations. Whether you want
them or not. And drugs! Don't forget the drugs! Also
free of charge and whether you want them pumped into your system or not
- ah….perhaps we should move on. Anyone else have anything...else?”
couldn’t plumb the depths of the appalled silence.//
Perfect Paul’s plant is no more a doctor than I am.//
rules about fraternisation strict?”
Um… I'm not really sure…that is…well, yes I suppose they are, but… I've
never really…you'll pardon me, but I'm not quite sure what this has to
do with…Jack…uh - next question?”
looked totally at sea on this one, poor angel.//
you date a fellow member of the SGC?”
I guess….ah, well, in theory, I suppose so, it's not exactly encouraged
- but - that is, I mean…why are you asking me this?”
Perfect Paul is too much of a wuss to ask you himself if you’re already
gettin’ it three times a night from O’Neill.//
dating a fellow member of the SGC? Ha ha.”
was SO NOT FUNNY! Perfect Paul must be DESPERATE! Daniel rose
gallantly to the occasion, even if he was mortified.//
you for your interest in my personal life, but I believe these questions
are straying a bit beyond the purview of this orientation session.
Aside from my social life being none of your business, I'm sure no one
else in this room cares about what I do with my spare time so in the interests
of not wasting everyone's time and boring them silly, I'd appreciate
it if you would keep your inquiries on topic.”
for PP, this IS on topic.//
Dr Kovac? Something ELSE I can help you with?”
DO NOT blame him for being a little crisp in his tone. I’m gonna
prune the SHIT out of this ‘plant’ the minute we get clear of the base.//
you considered that your talents might be better served by promoting the
military’s understanding of the ‘meaning of life stuff’? A job at
the Pentagon would put you in a position to influence the great military
minds of our generation. And I happen to know there’s some office
space at AF-6-14.”
and give up show business? Ah - sorry. Hanging around Jack O'Neill
does things to you…”
as many things as he’d like, I’m sure.//
you for that piece of information, as non-sequitur as it is. While
everything you've just told me is extremely flattering I must confess I
am puzzled. Where would you get the idea the quote ‘great military
minds of our generation’ are a) even aware of my existence and b) even
the slightest bit interested in anything I might have to say? From
the few snatches of gossip which have floated from the Pentagon to our
little corner of the mountain here, mostly originating from Major Davis’
- the office you just mentioned - I've heard my name is being bandied
around certain hallowed halls in conjunction with such phrases as 'insubordinate,
troublesome bastard,' 'civilian know-it-all', 'political nightmare'
and 'isn't he dead YET'?. As I haven't exactly been shy in voicing my opinion
about the way the military does things, on many well-documented occasions,
not to mention given certain branches of it the outright finger, I have
the impression I'd not be exactly welcomed with open arms in our nation's
capital. Major Davis' very complimentary, but slightly unrealistic estimation
of the value of my potential contribution to the education and edification
of the minds of the high and mighty to the contrary. I prefer to avoid
Washington as much as possible and am quite happy where I am, thanks.”
you, Dr Jackson! I’m afraid my mind is still dwelling on the ‘bonding’
ritual a little. Er…has Colonel O’Neill ever been offensive or injurious
towards you in any way?”
Absolutely not! Jack's never…Well…not deliberately! I mean,
okay, yes, sometimes he does yell at me, but he yells at everyone, that's
just his way. The nicknames ARE annoying, but I'm learning to adjust. He
wasn't in his right mind when he hit me that one time. That wasn't his
fault - it was the influence of the ‘touched’ virus. And he hasn't
- well, that wasn't his fault either, he didn't really HIT me, just, ah,
threw me over his shoulder and then tried to stomp on me a bit, but he
didn't KNOW it was me - you see, we all had our minds wiped and…The business
in the mine was a fluke. It was just bad luck the shot happened to hit
the rock face right where I was. I know I was chained up, but I could have
tried to move a LITTE faster…We were trying to escape! You grab your
moment when you can - really, sometimes out there, things just…happen.
And the blowing up thing was - oh, never mind…”
Verbal abuse, physical assault, carelessness re chained ankles and rock
falls, and several attempts to blow you to smithereens. I’d really
hate to find out what he does to people who AREN’T his friends.”
Daniel EXPLAINED all of that, eloquently. Passionately…WOOF!//
NOT several attempts, it was…Listen. I'm not sure what you're trying
to imply, here and I certainly don't like what I'm hearing. I won't
lie to any of you - this is a very dangerous job. Things happen out
there. People get hurt. People - die. The very fact I'm
standing here at all right now is due to Jack O'Neill. He's saved
my life more times than you want to know about. Think what you will
about him as far as I am concerned he's entitled to his quirks. Because
I know when we're out - there - HE'S looking out for me. The same
way he'll look out for every one of you. I wouldn't want to be out there
with anyone else, and if you're smart, neither would you. He may
grouse and complain and make you wish you were never born, at times, but
when the chips are down he'll bring you home. He won't leave you
behind, won't give up on you and he'll lay his own life on the line for
you if he has to. Without a second's hesitation. He's a damned
fine man and the best one I know at what he does. He's - he's Jack.
There's no one else like him. That's all you really need to know."
that was just SO-O sweet. Plus, he’s totally edible when he’s all
flushed and indignant. I SINCERELY hope O’Neill knows what he has
in DrJ and FULLY appreciates the MAGNITUDE of his good fortune!!!!
you just recap on how many times Colonel O’Neill has killed you?”
me? What sort of a question - NONE!"
corrected. My apologies to you and to my fellow inductees.
I should have said how many times have Colonel O’Neill’s attempts to do
the ‘right thing’ gotten you killed?”
did Jack - do you have some sort of issue with the colonel you're not sharing?
Did he take the last donut? Accidentally run over your dog?
What? Since I'm obviously not dead, how could Jack have been in any
way responsible for having killed me? Can we please not talk about this
again, I stand corrected.”
be lying in an alley corrected if I have my way. Sammie ain't the
only one got level three hand to hand! Or should I say knee to balls?//
HAVE to go off-world?”
you've all been recruited for the Stargate program specifically to provide
greater xeno/anthropological support to teams currently operating off world,
well…yes. We really need you out there, that's the whole point of
why you're here. Didn't the recruiter who approached you explain
this to you? They really should have made this clear to you, but
if they didn't, I'd be more than happy to explain any other points of -
what's expected of you…out there - if anyone else has any concerns?
Um, yes, Dr Crusher?”
you marry me?”
I didn’t mean to say THAT! I meant to ease him up to it GENTLY!
You’re SURE no one will read this transcript but you, Em? Right?
Right. What am I thinking! LOL!//
- that's it! I was willing to overlook the fact I seem to addressing
most of the crew of the Starship Enterprise, but - this is a joke, right?
Jack put you up to this, didn't he? Somehow he found out about this
and - "
Daniel, assorted ge – er – science types, Captain Koslowski…how’s it going?”
O’Neill abruptly entered the briefing room.
jumped, and we all reared back in our seats like scalded cats. Dr
Kwach had to use her inhaler, she was wheezing so badly. Guess she
wished she’d made it out the briefing room door while she had the chance.//
this is a PRIVATE – um…Captain Koslowski? Um…Dr Kovac?”
there’s a time and a place to talk about ‘ER’ and this isn’t it.”
Trek' and you'll be closer to the mark. Colonel Jack O'Neill - Captain
DOCTOR Koslowski/KOVAC. Or are you sure it isn't possibly Doctor
SPOCK? Ah, I can see you've already met… Captain Doctor? Some
of those questions you asked me earlier? You're in luck! I think Jack would
be more than happy to provide you with an opportunity for some hands on
training in his methods. Captain DOCTOR Koslowski/KOVAC seemed to
be most interested in resuscitating my sex life and transferring it to
the Pentagon, Jack."
the Captain ‘Doctor’ and I better step outside and DISCUSS this.
plant looked SHIT scared. So did the geeks. So did I.
At least, I FELT shit scared. Daniel left out #Slide unlucky for
some 13, entitled ‘Jack is pathologically over-protective of me and is
so insanely jealous he foams at the mouth if anyone so much as gives me
the time of day’.//
O’Neill viewed several scenes of the video montage.
I do! I look fat! Why didn’t anyone tell me? Do I look
fat to you?”
totally embarrassed to admit my voice swelled the chorus of fawning, sycophantic
‘No! No way! I wish I had an ass like yours’ which greeted
O’Neill’s jovial comment. This had a lot to do with Koslowski/Kovac,
who was dangling from O’Neill’s grip, struggling feebly and slowly turning
leave without me, Danny. My engine’s still shot.”
grin widened. This gave the rather unfortunate impression he was
gearing up to bite someone’s head off.//
run-in with the NID. Nothing to worry about. You guys got insurance,
right? Yeah? Well, enjoy it while you can!”
O’Neill and Captain Koslowski exited the briefing room.
wasn’t a THREAT!”
that reassurance, DrJ was unable to prevent the mass breakout. A
distant call of ‘Stampede!’ echoed through the SGC hallways. DrJ
turned to me, hopefully.//
smiled at me and my knees just melted.//
Hammond exited his office and entered the briefing room.
So much for MY cover. If the General has time to watch Star Trek, we’re
not working him hard enough. Yes, Sir, ha ha. Very funny.
Just dying from laughing here, Sir.//
Si- Sue. Mary…Sue.”
can’t blame Daniel for being thrilled to see a friendly face. Things
Did Not Go Well.//
it go, son?”
from the fact we seem to be recruiting from the Federation, over half the
inductees looked as if they wanted to pass out from terror through most
of the presentation, I'm sure at least a quarter of them had no idea they'd
actually be going through the Stargate and weren't too pleased when they
found out, the only meaning of life stuff they were interested in was apparently
the meaning of my sex life, including Dr Crusher, who's just proposed to
me - I'll have to get back to you on that, by the way - and the mere sight
of Jack was enough to send them all fleeing for their lives, I'd say it
went very well, Sir!"
the above fulfils our mission objectives. I regret to inform you
that as yet, none of the inductees have taken up their positions, and concern
is growing for Professor Goodheart, who hasn’t been seen since he was arrested
for speeding on the I25 in the general direction of Las Cruces.
covert operative was transferred at her request to a listening post at
an undisclosed yet remote and above all untraceable location. I suspect
Major Davis colluded with her in order to obtain a copy of the transcript
of the induction. (The Air Force Academy Hospital reports that Captain
Koslowski will be out of traction far sooner than anticipated.)
If I can
be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact my replacement,
Sgt. Blake Carrington, who comes highly recommended from a tour of duty
on General Ryan’s staff at the Pentagon.
Feedback makes the difference between writing
and posting; please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org