"I have been observing you observing
O'Neill shrugs in answer
as if he has no interest in DanielJackson. "Are we sparring or not?" he
"We will spar," I decide,
watching as O'Neill does his strange ritual dance from foot to foot,
jabbing into the air before his face. "You appear greatly in need
of relieving your tension."
O'Neill's feet still, his
gloved hands dropping to his sides. Beneath the protective
headgear, his face is puzzled. "I'm not tense."
I raise an eyebrow to
express my disbelief, which appears to goad O'Neill, though this is not
difficult to do. "Indeed you are."
"I am not!" O'Neill
My friend's capacity to
deceive himself fails to astonish only him. "It is sexual
tension," I announce firmly. O'Neill emits a wheezing sound, his
face flushing most pronouncedly, appearing ungrateful when I smack him
firmly across the back to assist him to breathe again. Then I
assist him to his feet and hold him up while he fails to recover his
"I am merely assisting
you, I am not making advances toward you," I feel compelled to
explain. Now, O'Neill is tense. It is possible I have just
"That's…good," he says
slowly, irritably shrugging off my supporting hands.
I retreat and wait as
O'Neill takes several deep, calming breaths then furiously demands to
know what the hell I have been watching now. Did he not warn me
to stay away from Jerry Springer after the unfortunate incident with
Major Carter? I concede this is the truth. I further
concede that I will not again discuss the subject of the winding down
of her body clock with Major Carter, a Tau'ri concept I find
fascinating. Major Carter did not share my fascination with
the concept, nor did she wish to speak of it.
"I have not been watching
Jerry Springer," I inform O'Neill. "I have been observing you
"He can't keep out of
trouble for five minutes," O'Neill explains sullenly.
"In the showers which we
share?" I enquire politely, awaiting his answer with interest. "I
see. Then it would appear the communal showers on base are, in your
opinion, an extremely hazardous place for DanielJackson to be
indeed. You are remarkably vigilant on his behalf during the
occasions both of you are simultaneously using the facilities.
Considering the inordinate amount of time you devote to watching it are
you of the opinion his 'ass' requires more protection than any other
portion of his anatomy?"
O'Neill's jaw drops as he
flushes even more furiously than before. To borrow one of his own
colourful idioms, he 'makes like a guppy'.
I realise I have been
tactless. Bowing in acknowledgement of this, I offer an
apology. "Forgive me, Colonel O'Neill. Given the true
nature of your interest in DanielJackson, his 'ass' is indeed the most
imperilled portion of his anatomy."
"Of your interest."
"Wha - whaa?"
"You heard me, O'Neill."
O'Neill seems to be having
great difficulty grasping this simple concept. As his brother, I
feel most keenly my obligation to help him to attain understanding.
"Are you not attracted to
DanielJackson? Do you not wish to have intercourse with him?"
As I say this, O'Neill
apparently urgently feels the need to sit, thudding gracelessly onto
the padded floor of the gymnasium. I am surprised, for I have not
hit him yet.
I sit facing him, removing
my boxing gloves and place my hands upturned on my knees, as if I were
composing myself for Kel'No'Reem, a ritual that both DanielJackson and
O'Neill find soothing to observe when they are themselves troubled.
"Why would you…why…?"
O'Neill asks me, truly bewildered.
"You are deeply in love
with DanielJackson," I gently inform him. "I have observed your
struggle with your feelings for him for some time."
"Is it obvious?" O'Neill
hisses, appalled, as pale as he was flushed moments ago.
"Not to DanielJackson," I
"Thank Christ!" O'Neill
sighs gustily, scrubbing his hands over his eyes.
I find his concern for
DanielJackson's sensitivity most gratifying. Our little brother
is vulnerable to his very passionate feelings for us. I have
thought for many months now that though there is room in Daniel's
generous heart for all of his friends, it is O'Neill who has captured
his soul. However, as he appears to be completely unaware of the
complicated nature of O'Neill's regard for him I fear it is in the best
interests of both these men for someone to talk with Daniel and inform
him of the reality and scope of his friend's affections.
It is, however, infinitely
preferable that 'someone' should be O'Neill.
"Can you not speak with
DanielJackson?" I enquire of O'Neill, commiserating with him in his
unhappiness. "Does he not deserve to know of your love for him?"
"And when he has to turn
me down flat because he doesn't feel the same, what then?" O'Neill
snarls, angry and defensive. "Where does that leave him?"
I am proud of my brother,
that his fear in this is not for himself but for the one he loves.
"I'm not going to hurt him
like that," O'Neill states with flat finality.
I sit silently while he
wrenches off his boxing gloves only to pluck at the grey fabric of his
customary grey sweatpants in a vain attempt to calm his agitation.
"You do not say that it is
wrong for you to be together," I point out at last, intrigued by this,
for O'Neill is most dedicated to his career in the Tau'ri military and
to his responsibilities as the team leader of SG-1. I am as aware
as he that the regulations forbid such a union. I am pleased that
in this at least he is capable of rational thought.
"Neither do you," he
acknowledges with some surprise. "You're putting a whole new spin
on the Jaffa brotherly love thing."
"If you speak of taking a
lover among one's brother warriors, it is not unknown amongst my
people," I respond with the calm dignity that seems to annoy him so
much. "Though honour forbids the taking of a lover by any man who
is bound by duty to wife and family."
"I have an obligation to
the team," O'Neill stubbornly insists.
"You have an obligation to
be true," I retort. "I do not speak lightly of this matter,
O'Neill. You have not been kind to DanielJackson of late.
He grows increasingly unsure of his place in your affections as each
day goes by. I have witnessed his strength falling away from him,
I have seen his unhappiness, his doubt in himself and in you. I
wish this to cease and for all to be well between you."
"Daniel is the strongest
person I know!" O'Neill stridently protests. "He doesn't need
anyone or anything. He manages to get by just fine on his own."
I begin to perceive the
real truth of the matter. O'Neill is deeply in love with Daniel,
so much so he cannot be without him, but he is in denial of his
need. "Do you not know that DanielJackson measures himself
in your eyes? How can you love him and reject what he
believes? In so doing, you reject all that he is. Each time
you do this, you make it more difficult for our brother to keep his
faith in you."
O'Neill's silence is one
of bitterness and resentment. He knows full well that I am right in
this but he will not acknowledge the truth of it.
"If you fear to damage the
team by taking DanielJackson as your lover, you must ask yourself if
you are doing any less damage by continuing to deny him. Do you
believe it will affect your ability to command if you and Daniel are
"Will you stop saying
that!" O'Neill snaps, scarlet to the roots of his hair.
Humans are reticent about
sexual relations with their loved ones. I do not understand
this. "I believe sexual gratification will relax you greatly."
"I'm relaxed now!" O'Neill
"Then it will relax Major
Carter and myself," I respond equably.
regulations," O'Neill announces. He looks around nervously, then
mouths 'sex' conspiratorially.
"You have never followed
regulations when they conflict with your own beliefs and
desires." O'Neill grows angry once more. I sense I have
been tactless again but I must secure his agreement. "I have witnessed
"Yes! I've got it,
"Are you repressed?" I
ask, still endeavouring to understand his failure to speak with
DanielJackson of this matter. My brother is no coward and yet he
fears to speak. I am grateful for my viewing of the television
programmes of the Tau'ri. They use language as a weapon and hide
behind it as a shield, obfuscating what they wish to conceal with
friend and foe alike. Any man would be fortunate to secure
DanielJackson's affections but O'Neill will not admit this to me or to
Once again O'Neill remains
silent. I see that I have spoken in haste and I ask O'Neill's
forgiveness for stating the truth so bluntly. Were he not
repressed, it would not be necessary for us to be having this most
difficult discussion. Perhaps there is another reason for his
reticence he is reluctant to confess. I will attempt to ascertain
"Are you impotent?"
My brother begins to
wheeze again, yet he strenuously resists my attempts to assist him,
striking me about the head with a boxing glove. I confiscate this
and subdue him, which does not improve his temper. His anger is
due, in part, I am sure, because it was he who taught me to so
efficiently apply a headlock.
"If you are not impotent,
and you desire him, then you must seduce DanielJackson," I
advise. As he still sees O'Neill strictly in the context of
friendship I believe DanielJackson will require a concrete
demonstration of O'Neill's affections in order to be successfully
persuaded of their reality. This is clearly a situation
which requires action over conversation, the very thing in which
O'Neill excels. I will remind him of this.
"You must take immediate
action, O'Neill. Go now to his apartment and take him to
bed." I have lived among the Tau'ri long enough to have learned
many of their clumsy expressions and use them with great proficiency.
"How, exactly?" O'Neill
asks with heavy sarcasm.
It had not occurred to me
that I would have to instruct O'Neill in the actual mechanics of making
love to DanielJackson. Fortunately I do possess some knowledge in
this area and so I am more than happy to impart it to him but his
sputtering indignation when I offer to do so is very amusing.
O'Neill takes much time to correct my erroneous assumption that he was
ignorant of these matters. It would appear he is not, moreover he
was impressively precocious as a youth.
Now he is calmer, I
release the headlock and allow O'Neill to sit, ignoring his epithets as
I do so. We have much to speak of. DanielJackson is a good
but innocent man. He has suffered greatly in the time I have
known him and I would give much for him to have the happiness he
deserves. I act now because I believe that Daniel is closer to
O'Neill than he was to his beloved Sha'uri. It is to O'Neill that
Daniel turns, and he finds the distance between them painful to
endure. They share a close bond, one that is unique in
DanielJackson's life. It is to O'Neill that he turns, on
instinct, whether in joy, sorrow, anger or fear.
"I believe you must be
blunt, O'Neill," I warn him. There was an incident on Hadante
which O'Neill did not witness, nor have I ever deemed it prudent to
apprise him of. DanielJackson did not at first realise the ugly
prisoner with dirty teeth was making sexual advances to him. It
was not until I forcibly restrained the offending individual that my
little brother sensed something was amiss. "Be direct," I
instruct, once again using language O'Neill will understand.
"We're talking about
Daniel! I'd have to be direct like a tactical nuke in the face is
direct," O'Neill sighs gloomily.
I cannot disagree with his
"There's an ugly word for
that kind of surprise, Teal'c," O'Neill says sadly.
"Daniel is shy," O'Neill
says softly, his face bearing the fondness of a parent. "And he's
the gentlest man I know. I couldn't do that to him." He
looks at me, pleading for understanding.
"I do not believe you have
a choice," I say simply. "You must do something. The
unsatisfactory state of affairs between you cannot persist. You cannot
be without DanielJackson yet you will not allow yourself to pursue him,
consequently your anger and bitterness towards him continues to
grow. I do not believe that you mean to lash out at him, but you
cannot control your feelings as any Jaffa would." My brother must
be made to understand he must act, for he dishonours himself and Daniel
with his current behaviour.
I see that I have
distressed my friend with this truth, though I do not regret the
necessity of having done so. He is as stubborn and difficult as
DanielJackson, and what is even more unfortunate for O'Neill, he blinds
himself to the truth.
"You and he are two halves
of one whole, O'Neill. Can you not see that?"
"I do not know," I say
soberly. "I am willing to attempt to ascertain the nature of his
feelings about the possibility if it will help you both."
"What?" O'Neill bleats,
"I will speak with
DanielJackson," I offer graciously. O'Neill is not grateful for
my counsel, becoming most abusive in his desire to dissuade me from
speaking with DanielJackson. I do not believe he realises
that he acts as if Daniel were his. "I will discover for you if
he has ever had intercourse with a man or if he would welcome
intercourse with a man. I will be subtle in my interrogation," I
assure him, "I will use you only as a hypothetical example to
illustrate my questions."
This dire threat alarms
O'Neill into insisting that he will talk to Daniel, tonight, and alone.
This was not in question.
"Do not talk too much,
O'Neill," I advise him kindly. "And ensure that you fully satisfy
DanielJackson." Although I do not say this, O'Neill is
aware not only of the fact that I will not hesitate to question Daniel
at any time about the events of the evening if I feel it is necessary,
but also that Daniel will answer honestly all that I ask of him.
Proving to me once again
that he is no fool, O'Neill softly asks if I am threatening him.
Of that, he may be certain.
"Just a minute!" Daniel yells as he
unchains and unlocks his door.
What he's going to say
when he opens it and takes in the abject sight of yours truly being
held up by the wall is anyone's guess. My knees have been going
for a while, but now they're definitely gone. If it wasn't for
the fact that Teal'c will be asking questions, I swear I'd bail.
I cannot believe the cocky sonovabitch ambushed me like that!
It's not as if I wear my heart on my sleeve or anything.
Daniel opens his door and
gapes at me.
I gape right back, close
to panic. I'd mentally dressed him in elderly corduroys teamed
with something chunky and cable-knit, whereas Daniel has chosen to
undress himself in flimsy navy jersey sweats and a too-short grey
T-shirt. Barefoot. I see toes! Cute toes.
Bastard. Why can't he just co-operate? He's an
archaeologist, for Chrissake. He can't just go around looking
like he does, being handsome and wonderful and sweet and nice at
people. It's not fair. Why doesn't he have any idea what he
does to us? See! See! Now he's smiling! It's
almost midnight. Normal people don't show up out of the blue at
this hour. He's not supposed to be pleased to see me. He's
supposed to be pissy and suspicious.
"Can I come in?" I ask
I am so not up to this.
"Jack?" he asks, softly
questioning, when I don't move at once, then he comes to fetch me,
visibly concerned. A tentative hand curls around my forearm, long
fingers spreading over the black leather of my jacket as he draws me
into the apartment. "Go on in," he prompts quietly when I
stupidly stand there looking at him, drinking him in, his wide,
generous mouth, curving in welcome, the bright eyes and rumpled hair.
Is it because I'm in love
with him I think he's so beautiful? I mean, it's not just his
features. It's the character in his face, always so alive with
his feelings. I watch him all the time, Teal'c is right about
that. I've never made Daniel uncomfortable, though. I
wouldn't do that.
"I was making tea," Daniel
calls after me as I head into the loft and he locks the door behind us.
"I'd rather have a big
slug of single malt," I retort as I sink gratefully onto the smaller of
the two couches.
"Jasmine tea. You'll
like it," Daniel contradicts with calm certainty.
"No, I won't."
"Don't pout, Jack.
Just drink your tea."
I'm honestly glad to have
something to hold onto when he comes back and hands me a huge steaming
mug of fragrant green tea. He sits opposite me, thoughtfully
sipping his tea, tactfully leaving me to gulp down some of mine.
I like Jasmine tea. I order it every time we eat Chinese, though
it's been a while since we've gone out together. Daniel knows
about the tea but he's kind enough not to call me on it. He's not
calling me on acting like we broke up or something either.
"Are you okay?" he asks
"Honestly? I don't
know," I blurt and mentally kick myself for being honest.
Daniel leans forward
earnestly, his brow wrinkling. He's trying to be compassionate,
not curious, and isn't quite making it. Getting ready to be on
the receiving end of some heavy-duty gut-spilling. I must
look like I feel.
"Can you talk about it,
He's disappointed by my
instinctive bristling, but resigned.
I can't talk to him about
loving him. I'm not a kid, I'm not inexperienced. I don't
fantasise holding his hand, unless it's wrapped round my pounding
cock. Daniel's friendship is unequivocal. It's an absolute
in my life. I don't think Teal'c gets why this is so hard.
Daniel needs me as much as I need him, as a friend. I can't
answer that need by asking him for sex.
Daniel is too interested
in people. He never looks like he wants anything, like he has an
angle, an edge. It's impossible. Naïveté and
idealism, that intellect of his, always thinking, always talking and
doing. Always meaning everything. He's a loner, a sweet,
sensitive celibate who looks at me with so much feeling he takes my
breath my away. He doesn't let anyone in like he lets me
in. It doesn't have to mean sex, it isn’t inevitable. If I
was a better man I'd be content with my little brother. I try to
be a good man and don't always make it and I want to be Daniel's lover.
I know Daniel loves me, he
doesn't need to say it. I can't have him knowing that I lie awake
at night jerking off with him in my mind, feeling the weight of his
legs hooked over my shoulders, his thighs warm and heavy against my
chest, his supple back arching ecstatically as I fuck him slow and
hard, his hands resting on his taut, flat belly, feeling me moving deep
Impossible to tell him
what I want from him.
I feel a bit better after
the tea, warmer and less shaky. Then I launch into the stuff I
can talk about. Like I'm making Daniel miserable and how can I
put it right? That was one helluva heads up Teal'c gave me when
he got that headlock on me.
"Am I a bastard?" I ask
Daniel straight out. He inhales some of his cooling tea and
starts choking so I have to rush right over and give him a pat on the
He sputters a thank you
and looks at me, quite shocked.
Okay. I'm sitting
way too close to him here. Close enough to count his pores, not
that this is a hardship, he has the kind of skin you only see on
cosmetic commercials. It's just one of the reasons why once more
I'm into a guy, exclusively into this guy, after more than two decades
of confident heterosexuality. A man's cock never says die and
mine is perking up right now. Both of us are seriously crazy
about Daniel and tragically neither of us are fickle.
I should take my hand from
Daniel's back. I know I should. I'm not even kidding myself
rubbing his spine like this is helping him think about an answer to my
question, not after I just mentally fucked him.
"A bastard?" Daniel says
slowly. "You can be, Jack."
Don’t ask Dr. Daniel
Jackson a straight question unless you're ready for a straight
answer. Hell, I thought I was ready. I thought Teal'c
was working an angle, trying to guilt trip me here to face
Daniel. I didn't want it to be true. "Tell me," I urge him.
The fine eyes
kindle. "You really want to know?"
I do. I'm not
kidding about his friendship meaning as much to me as being in love
with him. I didn't know I was acting out. I didn't.
It all gets so tangled, I can't make sense of it. I can't make
sense of me.
I look up to see that
Daniel has softened some. Worried now, he's leaning closer, the
heat of his body pouring into me. His thigh, so warm against
mine, has me shaken and aching. I don't want him to touch me,
can't have that, but his hand comes to rest over mine, clenched tight
on my knee.
"It's nothing I can't
handle," he promises. "It's nothing to worry about."
I wonder then what kind of
life he's had, that he doesn't question disappointment. He
doesn't embrace it, he's an idealist after all, but he's ready for it
finding him anyway. How many people have let Daniel down, that he
can excuse it so easily when I do it? I know how much I mean to
him. I'm know I'm not the man he is and times like this I wish he
wasn't. There's nothing I can do to change his past. Who
knows? Maybe he wouldn't be half the man he is if his parents had
lived and he'd been someone's darling. What's good about Daniel
is all due to Daniel. He made himself who he is with his beliefs,
his choices. He means more to me, to all of us, because of that.
"We've just had a rough
patch, huh?" I say wryly.
He's torn between relief
he's reassured me he's doing just fine and dandy and worry that now he
won't get to the root of whatever is bothering me.
"It's good to have you
here, Jack. It's been a while."
He doesn't say it but I
hear it in the soft, refined voice anyway. I've missed you,
Jack. You've hurt me and I've missed you. "Can I stay?" I
ask impulsively. Whatever I can fix, I want to.
"Sure." Daniel looks
wary but the welcome is genuine. It's in his eyes, so
expressive. He can never hide what he's feeling.
Exhaustion slams into me
and I slump into the back of the couch, sighing bitterly. "I'm
tired." Tired to the bone with fighting myself, trying to do what
I believe to be right, of being the best for all of us, not just Daniel
but all my kids. Teal'c as much as told me I was deluding myself
about that as well. I guess they can't take me any getting worse
than I've been and this is only the first fence I have to mend to put
"I know you're tired,"
Daniel tells me more gently still. "I can see that." He's
not the kind to just reach out and touch, but his hand resting lightly
on mine is like a rib-cracking bear-hug from anyone else.
I want him so badly.
I want him, not just his body. I want him in my house, in my
life. Need him there to come home to, to help me make sense.
Be blunt, Teal'c
said. What would Daniel do if I just came out with it?
Asked him to go to bed with me? Am I scared he'll say no or
scared he'll say yes? And how plain is plain? Daniel, I
want to make love with you? Or, Daniel, I want to fuck you in the
ass so bad my hands shake and my mouth dries?
I'm a very physical guy
and platonic does nothing for me. I want to make love with
him. Would he be happy with that? Afraid? Disgusted?
"You ever have any trouble
at the base?" I ask abruptly, thinking maybe this is a way I can find
"What do you mean by
trouble?" Daniel asks cautiously, frowning at me.
"Guys." It isn't
enough, he's not with me. "Coming on to you."
Daniel sits back, his
frown deepening. "Is that what this is about?" he asks
accusingly. "I thought…"
This was something
important? Jesus, Daniel, where does this come from? You're
important, don't you know that? "This is important to me."
I should be ashamed, using his Achilles heel against him, using
myself. I should be ashamed but then I'm furious because Daniel
is flushing and scowling at me. "Daniel? I'm not mad," I
lie. "I'm worried." I'm more than mad. I want to hurt
anyone who got to him on my watch because where the fuck was I?
"I've had some practice
saying no and no one has pushed it so far I couldn't handle it," Daniel
informs me coldly, unable to lie to me but majorly offended by this
invasion of his precious privacy.
"And it's not like it
never happened before," I prompt him. "You're a very attractive
guy." Daniel blinks at this, his mouth parting in surprise.
Purely kissable. His tongue darts out nervously to moisten his
lip and my cock surges in response. He's also a bright guy and he
knows what I'm not asking.
"Would it change your
opinion of me?" he asks challengingly. "If I had been to bed with
"Have you?" I fire at him,
harsh despite myself.
"Do you really need to
know?" Daniel asks sadly. He reads the answer in my face and his
"I'm not a homophobe," I
promise straight out. "I'm not. I'm sorry, Daniel. I
don't know what I'm doing here. I'm freaking myself out."
"You do need to know,"
Daniel recognises. "Will you tell me why?" he asks intently.
I dash a weary hand across
my eyes and look at him, perched on the edge of the couch so he can
search my face, try to read me, try to help me. "I'll give it a
shot," I say roughly, feeling like I've lost already. "I'm
beat." I get up from the couch, Daniel following, hovering
anxiously on my heels as I trudge up the steps towards his tiny spare
"Can't you talk to me,
Jack?" The quiet edge of desperation, of hurt in his voice cuts
at me. "We've always been able to talk."
He needs me to talk but he
can't ask because it's for him, it's not important, he's not important.
If Daniel would only see
who's right before his eyes, wanting him. He would see me, I'm
sure he would, if he cared enough about himself. I'm angry that
he can't make that leap and it shouldn't be with him. It
Daniel's fingers close
around my wrists as I grab his face and yank him to me. His eyes
widen as my mouth slams into his. He makes a noise in the back of
his throat, staggering as I kiss him fiercely, tasting the jasmine on
his warm, mobile lips, fitting perfectly to mine. He's so very
sweet and gentle. I'd be so good for him. I'm raging and
suddenly he's resisting, pulling at my hands with trembling fingers.
I need him, can't he see
that? What does it take? More than I've got. I guess
this is an answer.
I am hurting him, I knew I
I let him go, leave him
floundering on the steps behind me and slam the bedroom door in his
shocked face. I could have bailed, but I'm not that much of a
coward, even if I did just fall down this side of the door and hit
carpet. Daniel knocks again and again, agitatedly calling my
name, has to know I'm okay. "Tomorrow," I say, hearing the plea
in my voice. "We'll talk then. Please, Daniel."
Tomorrow I face him. Apologise, make it right.
Whatever it takes.
I need him.
"Tomorrow," I promise, trying to sound
as reassuring as a badly shaking voice allows. It's shaking as
hard as the rest of me. I think only this door is holding me
up. Jack kissed me! I can't believe he did that! "I'm
right here," I tell him urgently. "If you need me…I'm here."
Stupid! Of course
he's going to coming running right to you after he's made a godawful
pass at you and he's humiliated. Get a grip, Jackson.
"I'm alright," I
add. I'm an idiot and I need to get my lame ass out of
here. Jack is in crisis and I'm peppering him with pointless
platitudes. I walk away reluctantly, looking back all the way in
case…I guess he won't be out for a while. He won't leave though,
he won't break his promise to me. He also knows I'll go after him
if he tries it.
I'm feeling chilled and
shivery so I climb into bed, turning on my side to stare at the wall
dividing my room from Jack's. I have to think about this, make
sense of it, if I'm to help him. He's lonely and hurting, I could
see that. It's so rare Jack lets anyone in, he's so determined to
be the tough one, the one the rest of us turn to. I was so glad
he came to me, even if I wasn't expecting…I mean, I think I understand
now what he was trying to say to me. He - he wants to be with
someone. A person he cares for and trusts. I
understand. Truly. If he had any other options, Jack
wouldn't be turning to me. I think I know the arrangement he's
looking for, though it hurts me to think that Jack would settle for
that when he's worth so much more.
I punch my pillow and lie
down, trying to get comfortable. It's difficult while I'm
straining to hear any noise from the Jack. I'm still struggling
to make sense of this. I care very deeply for Jack and I know he
cares for me. I never suspected he was attracted to me,
though. He's never shown the least hint of that kind of interest,
so of course I'm shocked he wants to go to bed with me. At least,
I'm assuming he wants…um, no. No. The way he kissed me, I'm
certain he wants me.
I don't know what to think
about that, let alone do, but I do know how I felt when he kissed
me. It was very exciting. I don't know where that came
from, either. My head must have been in my ass, because I've
never been excited by Jack before. I never thought for a second
Jack was excited by me either, so I think a little panic is excusable
under the circumstances.
I didn't know Jack was
sexy, although I do find him a handsome man, one who attracts people
easily. He - er - attracted me. Just not - it was
friendship. I always thought it was just friendship between
us. I know we go deep but I never even suspected he was
interested in me, not this way. It's embarrassing as hell I
didn't have a clue about this, but now, I'm - I'm flattered.
I can't help thinking
there were simpler ways for him to share this vital information than
grabbing me and very passionately kissing me.
I'm extremely nervous
about what happens next. I don't want to have this taste of Jack,
of what we could be, and then face reality, which I think will be Jack
coming to his senses and telling me it was all a terrible error of
Glenmorangie-dulled judgement or something.
I don't want to have this
and then face reality, which I think will be Jack coming to his senses
and telling me it was all a terrible error of Glenmorangie-dulled
judgement or something.
That was one helluva
kiss. Definitely rang every bell and blew every whistle I've
got. I need a few - a lot more kisses before I can make any kind
of decision. This doesn't make me a bad, self-centred person,
does it? To want to be with my friend, and not lose him? If
I'm honest with Jack, if he knows I wasn't prepared for this attraction
to boil up between us, that I'm scared about the idea of having sex
with him, he won't shut me out. Will he? Just because I
don't know what I want?
Am I shallow because I
want to find out how attracted to Jack I am?
I think the answer to that
is a resounding 'yes'. My friend is eating his heart out next
door and all I'm concerned about is luring him out to kiss me
again. I'm very concerned about that. Deeply. If it
wasn't an gross invasion of some much-needed privacy and space, I'd
march right in there and kiss him myself.
Jackson. Shallow and selfish.
How is Jack feeling right
now? Does he think he upset me? That I'm angry? He's
changed things between us so radically, turned my life upside down,
along with all my assumptions about who we are and what our friendship
is. I think he knew that he would. He wasn't gentle and he
couldn't talk at all, he couldn't ask. I've never been afraid of
Jack's anger. I didn't know he was afraid of mine. Jack
wouldn't take this risk if I didn't mean something to him, if he didn't
want me badly.
Maybe that's why he's been
so distant. He has this thing about being in control, it's more
than being the guy in charge, the leader. The responsibility he
takes for the team is personal. Except with me, lately all he's
been is impersonal. Dismissive. Or angry. As angry as
he was when he kissed me. Jack losing control like that, being so
desperate…it scared me. How could I not know how he was feeling,
how much he needed me?
Why couldn't he talk to
me? We've always been able to talk. I wouldn't trade that
for sex. If we go on, if we want each other, sleeping together
has to mean we share more, not less. We have to be closer.
What is Jack
thinking? What does he want from me?
I hope he's okay. I
can't bear to think of him sitting alone in there, needing me.
Maybe if he's calmer now…it can't hurt to check. I just need to
know he's okay.
My bare feet are on the
floor before I can talk myself out of it. I run down the steps
and across my bedroom, padding out of the door and through the living
room, the chill smoothness of the stone floor sending shivers through
me. I creep up the steps and across to the guestroom door, my
hand resting on the handle as I lean close and listen. I can't
hear anything. He's not moving around, not tossing and turning on
the bed. Maybe he's sleeping. I hope so. He was so
very tired when he came to me tonight.
"Jack?" I breathe softly
into the wood panelling of the door, trying not to wake him if he's
sleeping. Just letting him know I'm here. I hope he gets
that I'm okay. Confused as hell, and very uncertain, but okay
with him. "We're not FUBAR," I offer gently. "I
promise." Silence answers me. I stand where I am, my cheek
against the wood, listening. There's no sound of recognition or
acceptance from Jack, just silence.
After a minute or two, I
walk reluctantly away, torn between hope he is asleep and I can come up
with an intelligent way to tell him we aren't fucked, and fear that I'm
too late, that for Jack we are.
I crawl back into bed,
tucking the quilt around my chest. I last about two minutes
trying to sleep, then I cave to my anxiety and roll back onto my side
to do some more staring at the wall separating me from Jack.
A soft footfall, barely
audible, has me jumping out of my skin. Heart thumping painfully,
I roll over to see Jack standing by my bed. I manage to get all
the way from concerned to panicked in the time it takes him to lift up
the quilt and slide into bed with me. He stretches out at my
side, his body warm against mine, leaning over me. I jump
violently when his hand skims over my belly to rest on my hip.
He's never touched me so intimately.
He hasn't touched me at
all, not for so long.
I can't get a word
out. I'm not breathing. My whole body stills, even my heart
skips a beat. Jack lowers his face to mine, his eyes glittering
in the darkness, wild and fearful. He looks so alive, alive with
wanting. I'm afraid and fascinated all at once by what is
happening between us changing everything, inside and out.
His mouth touches mine,
He needs something from
me. I reach up and take his shoulder, lifting my head to deepen
the pressure on our lips. Jack's hand clenches on my hip as I
open to him, his tongue plunging into my mouth as he noisily gulps in
my taste. His hand slips between my legs to cup my crotch and I'm
hard from his touch, my body is tingling and trembling at once.
I'm so afraid but I'm nodding at his questioning look, pulling at him
until he's on top of me.
I have to know what we're
doing to one another. I have to.
I'm falling, falling like
Jack has been falling, pinned by his weight and his greed. He
shoves my thighs roughly apart, rolling between to push his hips into
me. I gasp as his groin rubs mine, pleasure stabbing low in my
belly as I clutch his shoulders, reaching up to kiss him and we fall
again, pushing into each other.
Jack arches his back
suddenly, shifting his weight to tear at my T-shirt. When I push
away his shaking hands to pull myself clear of the tangle of jersey
fabric, he shoves me flat, yanking down my sweats. I pull at the
buttons on his Levis, we get them down to his knees before he can't
take any more, grasping my wrists to throw me down, landing heavily on
top of me.
His skin is against mine,
the searing heat and friction of cock on cock, wracking me with shivery
pleasure as Jack moves against me. His hand cups against my cheek
as we kiss deeply. My fingers drive into Jack's buttocks as he
thrusts into me, shoving him hard against me as we rock and rub our
I feel so much I don't
know where it's coming from, I don't feel like myself. There's so
much pleasure, so much sensation, wonder and passion. My eyes are
shut tight as Jack groans into my mouth, all this feeling exploding
white sparks behind my eyes, my body electric and shaking, singing with
pleasure as I come in quick, furious pulses, my cock thumping against
Jack doesn't stop rocking
or kissing me, his hand closing over both our cocks, kneading and
squeezing as he urgently strains into me, his hips slamming once,
twice, slick heat exploding over my belly.
Jack kisses me deeply
then, an ache of longing in him that has me shaking terribly. I
pull him to me and he buries his face in my shoulder.
I can't think and there's
so much to say, to know, but my eyes are leaden and I'm falling again.
I awaken slowly, blinking
sleepily into watchful brown eyes. Jack is still warm at my side,
his body pressed into mine, propped up on his elbow to look gravely
down into my face.
"That was definitely the
way to go," I blurt as Jack's hand curves around my jaw, his thumb
stroking over my mouth.
"A little less
conversation, a little more action."
His eyes are gentle as he
leans down to kiss me very tenderly.
"I didn't know what to do,
"I still don't know," I
admit honestly. "Could you kiss me again?"
"Does that help?"
"Not the thinking,
no." I just really like kissing him. "A little less
conversation, Jack," I remind him.
"A little more action, I
get it." He obediently stretches out beside me, his arms waiting
to wrap around me as I roll into his body and kiss him.
He tastes good as I nuzzle
and nibble at his straight lips, the stern mouth relaxing for me for
the first time in a long time. I take advantage, slipping my
tongue into a silken, rasping welcome. I snuggle into Jack,
sighing as we stroke together, his stubble chafing my face, mine
chafing his I suppose. When I hold him, his back is as broad, his
belly as muscular as I remember. The slow swell of his cock
against my hip excites me. I gasp into his mouth and shudder when
his thigh slips between mine to rub against my cock.
Oh, dear. I'm
getting excited again.
"Can we make love?" Jack
asks slowly, the hungry glitter back in his eyes.
As Jack begins to push me
onto my back, I shove at his shoulder. "I just wanted to
say…" What do I want to say? "I know what you want," I
Jack kisses me hard and
tumbles me onto my back. "Daniel, I don't think you have any idea
what I want," he teases, his sudden fierce smile wicked.
Oh, boy, does he feel
good. He feels right. A heavy hand strokes my thigh from
knee to hip as Jack kisses my throat and shoulder.
"I know what this is," I
say, embarrassed by the quiver in my voice as Jack licks the hollow of
my throat. "I'm okay about it. I didn't think I was, in
fact I didn't know what to think, but I am. I'm okay."
Jack lifts his head,
It's the kind of look I've
seen on his face a lot over the past months and I tense up despite
myself. It's going to be better between us, isn’t it? If
Jack has what he wants. There'll be no reason for him to be so
angry all the time. We both need and want someone and it feels
right to me that we should have each other. That's the right
thing, isn't it? For both of us? I feel that it is, no
matter what difficulties common sense dictates for two men in our
"I don't want you 'okay',"
Jack says savagely. "I want you happy!"
Astonished, my mouth falls
open a little at this. Jack kisses me again, biting vengefully at
my lip. I find this very distracting and ask him to do it again.
"You like sex," Jack
"I love sex." I
stroke his back, surprised and pleased when he trembles, arching into
my hands. "I miss being with someone."
"Is that why…"
"Of course it isn't!" I
cut him off firmly. "We're friends, Jack."
"Friends who have
sex?" Jack looks incredibly sad. "Why would you settle for
that, Daniel? Why?"
"I'm not 'settling'," I
argue, confused by his intensity. "I want you. I want us to
go on. I need…I…"
"Say it," Jack urges me
"I need a little time
before…I mean, how far do you want to take it?" I cannot believe
I'm blushing. How old am I for god's sake? Thirty-seven or
"I want to be inside you,"
Jack whispers into my ear.
I swallow. "That's
what I thought," I say as casually as possible. I sense this
might not be as casual as I would've liked, because Jack is hugging the
crap out of me in an annoyingly 'supportive' manner.
"Been dreaming of you,
Danny," he sighs, that ache of longing there in his voice and his hold
on me. "You've got as much time as you need. If you want to
"I do," I promise, hugging
Jack hard, because I think he needs it far more than I do. I
think I'm the first one to push into him, wanting that heat we shared,
the shivery friction of his cock on mine. As fast on the uptake
as ever, Jack rocks our bodies together, infinitely slow and sure, his
face buried in my shoulder, just holding me like he can't let go.
"Tell me," I ask him
diffidently. "Please, Jack. Please talk to me."
Please trust me. Please.
"I'm so in love with you."
Jack. I feel my eyes burn and blink hard, trying very hard not to
lose it. I would never hurt him, not knowingly.
Never. I so much regret my own blindness.
"I didn't want you to
I wrap my legs around his,
arching up into each of his gentle thrusts, trying to show what I can't
say, that I'm with him.
"I thought I could take it
but I can't. I need you." He hisses this fiercely, biting
into my shoulder.
"I need you too."
He jerks up then,
searching my face.
Shaken, I reach up and
brush away some suspicious moisture gathered on his lashes.
"Can't be without you, Jack. I thought you knew that."
"You didn't want this,
though," he insists.
"I didn't know it was
possible," I admit shyly. "Now though, yes, I want this, I want
you very much." I'm snatched into a passionate kiss, Jack ably
demonstrating one of the many new and interesting things about one's
lover being a man. I've never been lifted off a bed and held like
this before. Very Rhett and Scarlett. I thoroughly
approve, except for the fact we're regrettably frictionless in this
It takes some wriggling,
but I finally yank Jack back down to the bed with me and we move
together. I like this way of making love, the two of us wrapped
around one another, passionately kissing and touching, slowly
wracked with aching pleasure.
"Teal'c said we were two
halves of one whole," Jack breathes into my mouth.
"Teal'c?" I ask blankly.
"Not your obvious Cupid,
certainly," Jack snorts.
"He knows about me."
I am somewhat annoyed by
this revelation, frowning up at Jack. I didn't know!
Suddenly, Jack appears as
confused as I am. "He didn't know about you, though. I
didn't know about you. Why the hell do you think I waited as long
as I did before telling you!"
"You didn't tell me.
You grilled me about my sex life, kissed me, then bailed," I point out,
avoiding the point, which is I didn't know about me.
"You know what Teal'c's
advice was?" Jack asks, looking as if he's fighting not to laugh.
"A little less conversation…"
"And a little more action?
He's not wrong," I inform Jack, smacking his ass to get him moving
Powering up from his
knees, Jack drives into me, jolting me beneath him. He's trying
to teach me a lesson. This should be encouraged. I'm a fast
learner. He does the same again, pounding my body beneath his as
I arch helplessly, white flashes pinwheeling behind my eyes.
"Do you love me?"
He thrusts again and I'm
shaking like a leaf, speechless as I cling to him, pleasure-dazed.
Leave me alone! Just
do that, yes, that! Again, Jack, again.
Just there. OhgodohgodohGOD, just there.
Again! Please. Oh, God, who's making that
embarrassing wailing noise? Did the Springs get a foghorn?
Oh, that is so good, so goddamned…He's stopping?!
"Daniel?" Jack asks
"Yes, for cryin' out loud,
yes! I love you. Now do me, Jack, just shut up and do me."
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