already apologised, Jack. Your apology was accepted. Please
don’t – it’s over now.”
voice. Soothing words. Hesitant eyes. Nervous stance.
Over for Daniel, who doesn’t want to fight about it. Only me,
only Daniel, doesn’t matter, let it go, Jack, let it go. Closed
the iris in that Nazi fucker’s face and I still can’t let it go.
sure what to do with his slender, beautiful, capable hands so he holds
on to the beer he hasn’t tasted. Not sure what to do with
me? Why is he in my house when he just wanted to go home and
forget about what I did to him today, lose himself in the safe, clean
unhurtful world of his books. Why am I standing so close?
Closer. Why am I taking the beer from him? Stroking a
finger, my trigger finger, used it so well today, on Euronda; putting
it to better use now, stroking along his cheekbone. Christ, he’s
ivory and silk. Smoothing these coveting fingers over temple,
cheek, jaw, skimming over his luscious lips, cradling the warmth of his
throat in this hand. Feeling his pulse spiking against this wrist.
more. Need more.
eyes, clear and summer-sky warm. A little fearful. The
warmth of skin for one greedy hand, cloud-soft golden brown hair for
is what I crave. Daniel. Sweet with trust and so very, very
beautiful. Feels like I’m falling away from the world and into
him. Cradling hand pulling him to me, eyes fixed on his widening
ones; he’s still not sure why and what, still trusting. My lips
brush against his, a moment. Irrevocable step, this. No
like breathing. That’s what he is to me now. That’s why I’m
falling into him, his tender lips parting beneath my gently insistent
ones. I feel him rock on his feet as my tongue glides over his,
as I moan unmistakable desire. We’re both shaking as my hands
stroke down his back and press him close. Clutch. Some
urgency there. Too much?
gasping as he feels the reality of my desire; white hot, diamond hard,
straining into him compulsively.
in Daniel, here. Lost in the moment, lost in him. He takes
a step away from me. I lean into him, turn him into my shoulder,
ease him back over my iron-taut, cradling arms. His arm flung
around my shoulders for balance. Fingers fluttering nervously on
my arm, my shoulder, throat. I lose myself in the ravenous
stroking of tongue on tongue and slick, cold enamel. In his
sweet, giving lips.
own fearful passion, clutching fingers, a whimper of need and
recognition and he’s lost in my arms. Filling me up. My
heart. Labouring, breaking, love bursting through and spilling
over, always finding its way. Audacious. Tenacious.
in love with this beautiful, gentle, generous man clasped in my arms,
kissing me so desperately, sobbing for breath. Need and passion
lingering as I ease back; calming, soothing. Finally freeing him.
to stand close, breathing hard, eyes closed, temple to temple.
hand on my shoulder. Shaking fingers touching me on his
lips. His eyes are naked. Clouded.
pitiably. Stepping away. I reach out and he stumbles away,
final aching look, and he leaves me.
events that stand out in my life, that changed everything I thought I
knew, everything I felt, everything I was. The death of my
son. Kissing Daniel. Strange that the love I lost with my
child brought me to Daniel, and then my own wilful need for Daniel’s
love drove him away.
can’t help this. I’ve tried, God, I’ve tried. I’m not
strong enough to let him leave me, to let him leave the team.
Anything he gives freely I take. I take. Lash out at
him. Vent. Afraid to be near him. Can’t be away from
him. I can’t have him in my bed, but I have this. I can
watch over him in his.
same, always the same; every rare, precious time after that first
time. Still ashamed about what I did. I picked the
lock. Sat here by his side and scared the living hell out of
him. For a moment there was no trust, only fear. I know
what I was feeling, so I can guess what he was seeing. Daniel
being Daniel, the fear was for me. He won’t indulge me with pity.
pitied and loathed myself for what was said and done in that closed
room in the Infirmary, what I said and what Carter heard. Two
different things. Hadn’t the heart or the strength to correct
her. She’d been through so much already and I – I thought of him
and only him, and let it be.
have his key now. He understands this terrible compulsion to be
with him, to be at his side in the darkness. Always in darkness,
so I can talk and he can listen, and if it’s really bad, he’ll hold
me. Let me sleep on the bed next to him. Not in, not
with. Just near. Comforting, as much as being a breath away
and worlds apart from the man you love is comfort. He
offers. I take. I leave him in darkness.
world thinks I’m hopelessly in love. The world is right.
Every ebb and flow of that love is played out for the world to
see. If they only had eyes to see. Only Carter sees, and
she does pity. I never used the word love, and eventually that
sharp mind of hers focused, sifted, analysed. Concluded.
She won’t allow herself to be pitied, and so she pities me.
only she knew.
do this every time. Sit in silence beside him, drinking him
in. Remembering what brought us to this. Remembering every
taste and touch and texture of that kiss. Remembering
nothing as clearly as Daniel’s refusal. Every time I come here, I
hope this will be the night Daniel finally realises he was wrong and
lets me love him. I hope. Then I wake him and talk.
sound of my name and a light, caressing touch on my arm is the signal
to finally move. Admit to consciousness. The spicy scent
and nearness of him brought me awake the moment he slipped into the
room. He doesn’t make a noise, but my senses are so attuned to
his presence, I know. I just know.
many people worried because we don’t seem to be friends anymore,
keeping apart, distant, in any situation except where we have no choice
but to be together. We chose to keep that distance at first, but
Jack has worked hard to find some balance and I can’t bring myself to
was expecting a visit tonight. After what happened with Sam, what
he had to do to protect the rest of us, I knew he would have to talk.
I say softly.
smiles, a little tiredly. “Hey.”
impossible situation he put us in with one kiss. He’s my best
friend. I love him. Someone once told me I loved not wisely
but too well. That’s how I love Jack. The first true friend
I’ve had. My safe haven, my comfort, my ease. I almost
hated him for stealing that away from me, for being so self-centred, so
heedless of what his friendship meant to me. Couldn’t do it,
couldn’t do anything but go on loving him, making it as easy as
possible for him, hoping he’d realise he made a mistake in a moment of
madness, get past it. Move on.
he comes here. He has this. He’s locked in that moment,
that kiss, and I find I can’t deny him this; the cold comfort of
wanting, seeing, needing but not being able to touch, to taste, to
love. Not a wall between us; a sheet of glass.
sit up beside him, cross-legged, comforter hugged up around my bare
chest. It’s cold outside, cold in here. Jack is coldest of
all. Shivering. Talking.
killed Carter. Without hesitation. I counter with did his
duty, protected us, did the only thing he could have done in those
circumstances. Yadda yadda, he says. Not shivering, shaking.
I forget the rules, see only my dearly loved friend in need. He
hisses, flinches away from my comforting hand, naked desire and longing
heating his eyes in the soft light of the moon.
it’s enough, more than enough. He’s – WE’VE suffered enough.
Get in this bed. NOW.”
is still Jack. A challenge on his face as he rises smoothly to
his feet and slowly undresses, eyes never leaving mine. A sultry,
confident challenge. And softness tugging at his lips.
furious blush rips through me as he taunts me, hands slowly easing down
those clinging – “Sweats!” I yelp. A honey-rich chuckle as he
strides confidently over to the closet and delves inside. I close
my eyes, unwilling to see him naked, bathed in flattering
moonlight. “You can’t believe your luck so you have to push it?”
I ask crisply. He stands, hands on hips, before me. Another
challenge. Better be sure you want me, little boy. Going to
get me but good. He’ll no sooner look, than he’ll touch. I
know that, but still, I lift the covers and invite him into my bed for
the first time.
never plays by the rules. No predator here. Cold hands and
heart, but voice, lips and eyes are all soft. No sooner he’ll
touch, than he’ll love. I suffer his arm around my shoulders, not
at all sure how that leads within moments to lying down again, cradled
in his arms. Stiffly. Unaccustomed. Nervous.
would people say if they could see Colonel O’Neill c-cuddled up like
this?” I snap. No. Not nervous. Just kidding
myself. Try terrified.
J-Jack,” I protest, faintly. “Hands.”
Oh - o-oh.”
look like YOU need some cuddling up and I’ve never pretended for a
second I didn’t want to make love to you. Quit your worryin’.
Spend more time on your bed than in mine, what with mission time and
all. Have I ever laid a finger on you? Apart from – y’know.”
not your finger I’m worried about,” I complain darkly, surreptitiously
trying to scoot back a few precious inches. Jack is having none
of it. He’s – he’s snuggling. Making appreciative, husky
noises – okay, growls – deep in his throat. I’m clasped to a lot
of warm, bare, sleekly muscled Jack. A LOT. “You looked
cold!” I accuse. “Shaking. Nerves.”
still shaking,” Jack says reasonably. “Desire. And I’m
heating up nicely, thanks.” He chuckles malevolently. “You
never watch Dracula? You never heard the rule vampires can’t come
into your home and eat you all up if you don’t invite them in?”
He chuckles again. “Same deal for colonels invited into
shot deal.” I try for stern but stall at uncertain. One very
large, very warm, very curious hand is reverently mapping every contour
of my back. The other is curved gently over my hip. Quite
still. But – there. “You were supposed to be baring your
soul,” I protest faintly.
my soul I’m interested in baring,” Jack says wickedly.
snuggling seems to be more insistent with every moment.
Compulsive even. Rhythmic. “Jack!” I gasp, outraged.
out in sympathy?” Jack growls throatily into my ear.
having sex with me! Or at least have the decency to tell me
that’s what we’re doing – BEFORE you - you shouldn’t just expect me to
work these things out for myself as we go along!” I say indignantly.
not? I am.”
are? You – you’ve NEVER?” I stammer, quite astonished. “I
thought it was - well – it - it happens in the military.”
Frequently, if the invitations rolling MY way are anything to go
by. What is it they say? A little two-handed stress
relief? Although, I have to say, that wasn’t QUITE what was
suggested to me by – um – never mind. Don’t go THERE,
Daniel. Even if ‘never mind’ wanted to. “You’ve never been
stressed?” What the hell am I talking about? I’m losing
it. Jack thinks he has a very calming effect on stressed
people. Not on me. Uh uh. Quite the opposite effect
on me. Like now. Quivering, here.
goes very still beside me. “What the hell are you talking
about? Stressed? Can we stick to the damn point? I have
never had sex with a man. The only man I’ve ever wanted is you,
and the only reason I want you is because I’m passionately in love with
you, and that’s what people in love do. Are we clear?”
Jack. I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t mean to jump to
conclusions. I extrapolated from the general to the specific and
made an assumption.” Me? That kiss was about me? JUST
me? Oh. O-oh.
lot of people make assumptions. Some people assume I’m doing
Carter. A few assume Teal’c is doing me. The majority
assume I’ve been doing you since the day we met.”
the majority?” I have good reason to know a FEW people, well,
more than a few actually, not all at once, obviously, just fairly close
together, one after another, and those people think Jack and I are – or
rather were – lovers. And I have to stop thinking I misheard and
asking large, looming military types to repeat that because I didn’t
think I heard it right the first time, and then it turns out I – I did,
and no, he wasn’t talking about Sam. Or her eyes. Or her
skin. Or her – um – cause she doesn’t have one so he couldn’t do
what he wanted to, and God, Jack better NOT find out WHAT he w-wanted
I’ve never been known to have a deep, meaningful conversation with
Carter, let alone – er -- ” Jack trails off for a minute and flashes a
look at me I can’t read in the moonlight. Guilty? “Kinda
hard to make THAT leap,” he rallies. “Pained, bored,
uncomprehending silence to horizontal in a single bound? She
can’t keep her yap shut about the science,” Jack says flatly.
me?” I ask weakly, flattened under an avalanche of Jack getting in
touch with his feelings and then laying them on me. In lieu of
laying anything else on me, which is a good thing, because laying here
beside him is enough to set my heart beat spiking and – okay, OKAY, the
very thought of Jack laying ON me is making my toes curl.
you in front of half the base and calling you Spacemonkey? Which
was perfectly innocent, by the way. Haven’t been carrying a torch
for you THAT long, not THAT pathetic. Letting you wrap me around
your little finger and giving you all your own way?”
me, Danny, I do. I do,” Jack sighs. “Every chance I
get. And can you NOT do that?” Jack is pained.
I’m just resting my head.
into my neck. It’s incredibly erotic and I can’t drag my libido
away from speculating what it would feel like to have you blow in my
I apologise meekly.
I’m not. Curiosity killed an archaeologist. Nearly killed a
colonel, too, one who’s twanging with sexual tension. I realise
that for all the confident talk, Jack is nervous. Actually, Jack
is terrified too. And all of this is displacement activity.
I should have made him stay out there and talk.
Please tell me what’s hurting you? Please?”
hear and feel only the rapidity of his heartbeat for the longest
time. “Will you answer me a question in return?” His voice is
I offer, not really caring what THAT might entail, not if it also means
Jack gets this off his chest.
okay,” Jack says quietly. “I was glad it wasn’t you. I was
glad I’ve kept my distance because there was nothing for that fucker to
see between me and you. I didn’t want that to happen to Carter,
didn’t want to kill her. I didn’t. I just know it couldn’t
be you. Couldn’t be.”
I ask gently, reaching into fire, reaching a soothing hand across his
chest. Fanning the flames, as his grip tightens
imperatively. “No,” I say softly. Don’t push, Jack.
Not – now. No is all I need to say. He’ll never take from
me what I don’t freely give. “You could have done it, Jack.
You did do it. When I was on the ship with Lotan. You did
what you thought was right, you did your best.” Another night
when Jack needed to be with me.
was time. I made a crappy tactical decision in a crappy
situation, but part of me hoped you’d come to your senses and come back
to me in time. Pull my nuts from the fire if you could. Air
Force, Daniel. Believe me, it’s easier to kill by remote than
face to face. I don’t think I could have stood there and coolly,
deliberately killed you the way I killed Carter.”
from anything I did for her.”
Jack,” I sigh. “You would have done your duty. It’s what
you are. You shoulder responsibility, make decisions, accept the
consequences every day. If I was in Sam’s place I would expect
and want no less than what you did for her. It isn’t a matter for
blame and recrimination, it just IS. It’s what things are.”
is what things are. Here. Us. I don’t know if I could
have killed you. I do know that if I had, I couldn’t have lived
with it. Couldn’t have lived without you. Can’t.”
rough hand cups my head and draws me close, temple to temple with him.
can’t you do this, Danny? How can you love me so much and not let
me love you? You know I would never have kissed you, would never
have taken that risk if I wasn’t sure you loved me. I kissed
you. I had you. I HAD you, and you left me.”
voice. Aching. Yearning. It’s hurting us both,
denying this. This is the first time he’s acknowledged what lies
between us. He’s been so wrenchingly honest with me, I can’t give
him anything less in return.
afraid, Jack,” I whisper. So afraid. “Wouldn’t risk my
friend for a lover. We might not feel enough, be enough.
Lose the lover, lose the friend. Can’t be without my
friend. Not now. Easy to believe it could work, easy in
moonlight. In the cold light of day, all I can see are the
differences, the flaws that could drive us apart.”
you in love with me?” Jack’s voice is precise, contained.
know I am. You knew when you kissed me. When I kissed you
you afraid of the sex?”
you bound and determined to kick my self-image in the ass EVERY chance
you get? Yeah, the big macho colonel is scared to have sex with
you. Wish I’d had all that practice you assumed I’d had,” Jack
gripes. There is a long, thoughtful pause.
“So-o.” A knee gently stirs me.
here we are, sharing a bed, scared shitless, horny as hell,
passionately in love. What do we do about that?
I venture, gaining a palpable tremor thinking of all the ‘something’s’
we could do.
pout just because I’m agreeing with you. My okay is strictly
temporary. I say we sleep here, just sleep, together, and see how
we feel in the cold light of day. Okay?”
I agree cautiously.
I already put my ass on the line once, so it’s your turn.”
pressure,” I snarl.
sympathy. And now you can answer my question.”
did! I TOLD you I loved –“ Jack is laughing, radiating smug
satisfaction. “You bastard! That WASN’T the question?”
No, my actual question is explain to me just WHY you assumed hard-ass
military types like myself automatically play ‘hunt the MP5’ with the
guys we bunk with.”
have nothing to say that won’t get people hurt.
right. All right. If it will shut you up! That
‘distance’ you’ve been priding yourself on may have led one or two – um
or two?” Jack growls, eyeing me searchingly.
few – “
SEVERAL people to assume we’d – um – broken up,” I tumble through it at
breakneck speed. Like that will help.
you saw THEM coming like you saw ME coming?” Jack is silken, deadly
from behind, no.
put their hands on you?”
go to sleep.”
can sleep with me, you can sleep on the floor, on the couch or in your
own bed. I don’t care. Just shut up and sleep.”
I just start killing people alphabetically until you ‘fess up,” Jack
says smoothly. “I’ll get one who’s guilty, sooner or later.”
out,” I call. Need to change this subject fast. Could be
fatal if I don’t.
mmmph – mmm - MMM.”
he’s lovely to kiss. So lovely. I remember THIS.
Sweet and warm and pushing his luck every step of the way.
Passionate and strong, and nervous. Hands speaking as loud as
tongues. Little too strong there, Danny? Backing off
now. Don’t go. Don’t stop. Love you. Please let
me love you. Some mine, mine, mine in there, too. A
suspicion of WHOO, but I think that’s me.
myself away. Tear myself away. Leaving us both bereft.
more questions,” I insist. One of the interested parties was
interested in the ‘taking me out to dinner and showing me off around
town’ way. Not my town. His town. Nice interested
party. Jack likes the interested party too. Likes him and
will kill him regardless.
Jack says tartly.
can’t believe you’re the jealous type.”
NOT jealous. My first instinct is to protect. You said so
yourself,” Jack reminds me smugly.
didn’t mean me! I mean, I did. But NOT in this
context. I can take care of myself. I can say no after –“
Jack snaps bolt upright, outraged and ripe for murder. “After
up,” I snap sullenly. “Don’t tell me nobody’s ever made a pass at
YOU, not in the whole of your career, and of course YOU handled it
PERFECTLY.” Didn’t have to ask them to take it from the top
because you – Jack? Jack is lying down again.
Quietly. A suggestion of skulking here. Avoidance.
SO not meeting my eyes. Squirming. No! Really?
I prod him in the ribs, making him yelp. “Who? When?
Where? What? Why?”
lean in and blow gently in his ear. Jack shies away violently,
shaking and shooting me hateful looks. He’s astonishingly sexy
when he’s scared shitless. He has NO idea. I lean in again.
for cryin’ out loud,” Jack grouches, arching his neck to make sure I
have easy access. Every time I breathe gently in his ear he looks
a little more dazed and a lot more co-operative. I wonder if
George would object if I tried this in briefings? “You know we
got a special budget for the meaning of life stuff, right? Stuff
that isn’t of strategic importance.”
didn’t say it wasn’t important,” Jack tells me softly, a gentle hand on
my shoulder. “Let’s just say my ass helped put another zero on
the budget for those missions and then let’s leave it.” He shoots
me that wide, smug, irreverent grin of his.
the class A uniform,” I blurt out involuntarily. Jack laughs, a
rich, clean sound, as I stuff a pillow over my burning face.
are SO busted!” he gloats. “So, you’ve been admiring my
I say admiring?” I say defensively.
wriggles a little. “Maybe worshipping is more accurate.”
happen to have my hand pinned to the bed! It’s numb.”
pretty active to me.”
Jack chuckles, resisting my efforts to retrieve my errant hand, which
wants to stay right where it is, no matter what the rest of me wants.
on the first date!” I snarl.
Like I needed THAT image! Gimme a break, here! Wait ‘til
morning? Who am I trying to kid? I was lying my ass off!”
too. Oh, me too. “SLEEP now!”
shut up and sleep if you kiss me again.”
start with the names, already. Alphabetical.”
for God’s sake! Kiss me then, and shut up!” The man is
RELENTLESS. And – and – and HOT. “O-oh. Oh,
Jack. Jack. O-OH, God, Jack!”
to get the two of us confused,” Jack gloats when he releases me.
Well, peels me off. “Ow! Jeez! What was that
for! Breaking my ribs, here!”
principles. Give me that hand back! Oh. O-oh.
L-licking. Ni-ice. No rush. Mmm. Ver-ry nice.
gotta wait for daylight, for it to count, right? Right,” Jack
sighs. “I can wait. I can do that.”
still got hold of my hand, I feel his heartbeat steady against it, and
the weight of his hand above mine. “D-day,” I whimper,
sadly. He’s right. I can wait too. I can. I
will. Loving Jack is all too easy in the moonlight.
lie stiffly, side by side, in my bed. Not touching. Not
speaking. Waiting for dawn. Waiting wears you down,
exhausts. I fight to stay awake, to think rationally, to weigh,
assess, analyse, decide. Fight and fall and wake deep in his
arms; so deep, he’s never letting go. Hasn’t let go. Has
turned to me and only to me in the darkness, unseen, unknown to any but
us. He loves me. He’s in love with me. He isn’t
letting go. I can say no now and he’ll be back, fighting,
tomorrow. Or the next night. Waiting is wearing him down,
exhausting him, but still he’ll fight. He doesn’t know any other
trace the cost of this fight in his weary face. Lines etched deep
in brow and cheeks. I know what I want. I know what to do.
insistent pressure parts my lips as weight settles tentatively over
me. There are far worse ways to greet the new day than too little
sleep, too much raw emotion and an armful of Daniel Jackson attempting
to seduce you.
fits. OW,” he complains after some painful clashing of hips.
“Wake up, Jack. Wake UP.” An indignant prod greets my
attempt to return Daniel’s embrace.
laugh up into his outraged eyes, thoroughly enjoying the blush stealing
across his face. “You feel comfortable to me. Lo-ovely,” I
whisper huskily. “Mmm. Peachy.”
can you p-please take your h-hands out of my j-jammies?”
much?” He fits perfectly beneath my hungry hands, ivory and silk ALL
That’s why I want you to stop.”
I remove my hands and Daniel gratefully squirms free. The blush
reaches his chest when he feels a palpable twitch of interest hard
against his abdomen before he gets away from me.
I can’t touch him because he likes it too much. He didn’t say a
word about not touching myself. I’ve had this same damn erection
for best part of a year. Goes and never comes. Never been
satisfied. I slip gracefully out of Daniel’s bed and peel off the
sweats. Stand before my blushing, stuttering, gorgeous lover
completely naked and unafraid. This could be wonderful or the
most humiliating experience of my life. Daniel is absolutely
petrified, he can’t tear his eyes away from my erection and his mouth
has dropped open, which unfortunately sends visions dancing through my
mind. Visions of Daniel and what he might one day do for me with
that lovely mouth, and of course that makes me harder than ever, and
really, if I don’t hurry up I might be coming right here without
touching myself, let alone him touching me.
my luck? Maybe. Cold light of day, here. He kissed
me. Got close. He’s made his decision, now he just needs a
little encouragement. Maybe a lot. I think he’s
never learned to lie. Never grasped you can’t be so achingly honest
with people. Love him for it. I lay down beside him.
No finesse here. No time. Take his hand. Rest it over
mine. Slide mine down, curl, stroke. Know myself, know the
necessary rhythm. Look at Daniel. See only him.
Wide-eyed, flushed, hand icy cold then warming against my skin as I
stroke unhurriedly, refusing to give in to the urgency. Only
Daniel. His fingers slipping down past mine, touching
carefully. Flinching back as I groan and the pleasure tears
through me. He stares at my face. Leans down jerkily and
kisses me hard, then he lifts my hand and curls it around him. We
lie facing one another, holding. Waiting. Move in slowly
and kiss, focus on the kissing, not on the hands. Stroking,
learning, knowing. Slow, measured, cautious. The hands
follow the pace of the kiss. I’m lost in Daniel, feel and see and
taste only him, lose sight of myself until what HE is doing to me is
too powerful, too compulsive to ignore. Mouths soft, still, as
hips rock and thrust into grasping, greedy fingers. Breath
stuttering in chests now, labouring as we shake and strain into one
another; fall into one another, into love and the light of day.
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