Small Things by Biblio
you ever looked in a mirror and not been able to make sense of your own
face? This shell in front of you is so far from who you are you
can't see you in it. If you look long enough, it draws you
in. It isn't vanity. You don't want to look at YOU.
want to see what you're feeling.
need to know that what you feel is there for others to see.
makes you crazy because you say you're fine and they take it. You
only say that when you're dying inside and you wonder why they ask if
they don't want to know. Not enough to call you on it.
want to say, 'I look at YOU and know'.
seem to work like that for you.
worst is when you're dying inside and you say, 'I'm fine, thank
you'. Manners are more important than you.
not that you're not important to them. You're part of the whole,
part of what makes them who they are. You give everything to them
and wonder if they know you're not supposed to be part of anything.
not for you.
have to work at it. Oh, not the giving. That's easy.
You learned that lesson long ago, just like you learned not to
need. You try not to want. Wanting is easy too, but
getting…people have to see you to give, and they never seem to.
Being accepted, being a part…that you have to work at. It's as
alien to you as being alone is to him.
be all and end all. The one.
that he knows. Not that you'd tell him.
he'd ever ask.
doesn't see you either.
loves you, but he sees what he needs in you.
not what you need.
you learn about that? The needing thing?
needed Mom and Dad. You needed to be Danny. You needed them
to look and know, and they did, God, they did.
asked. Just once. The only choice you thought you were safe
to make. You weren't accepted. Work is more important than
got to be Jackson, D. The child.
problem. Red tape is way more important than you, but it’s more
important than anyone, so you gotta suck that one up and let it go.
let a lot of things go, most of them parts of you. Small
parts. Baggage, really. That small power you had to affect
the lives of others was buried with the ones you needed most. It
wasn't safe, so you let…Okay. That's not true, is it? Is
it? You didn't let anything go. What wasn't safe, you made
and Dad touched, so you didn't. You couldn't even describe the
way your body freezes when someone puts their arms around you. A
touch of the hand can shake right through you. You hold still and
close in on yourself. What did you do? They don't see you,
they don't know you. They CAN'T touch you.
mustn't. You can't need.
don't even know you're afraid. Not as bad as you used to
be. You don't panic, not anymore. The tension, it's
instinctual. You can't do anything about that, not now, you have
to cut yourself some slack on that. You have some defences.
You smile. It feels like a wince, but you're trying. Give
them what they need from you and they'll back off. Mostly, it
has never worked on him. Nothing works on him. He's a
goddamned unstoppable force of nature who needs to be in your skin with
you to feel alive. He needs, he wants, he pushes, he takes…he
don't know what that takes. Maybe it's not the same for
him. Maybe it takes less for him to be all the things you quit
dreaming you'd be when reality was Jackson, D.
probably quits, because he has no idea what it takes to be you.
your defences bother you. Must you be so…so submissive?
You're not passive. You can fight. You DO fight.
this team you're part of gets it wrong, and you KNOW…you fight.
fight for what's true.
stand up for anyone who can't, though that's nothing wonderful.
You've been there, done that.
fight him. It hurts you both but something in him needs that from
you. When he can't let go, he looks to you to make him.
let him down. And the others. Yourself. You
try. You fuck up as often as not, but you do try. You'd do
anything for them. You hope they know that. Sometimes, they
do. Knowing that you can't ever fuck up enough to drive them
away…it's too much. You get lost in that, as lost as you get in
the hell did you do to deserve that? Not just acceptance, but
was a new lesson, one your team taught you. Commitment to you was
Sarah. Control. Power. Taking. Never, ever
being able to give enough. Not being enough.
Sha'uri…joyous practicality, fierce intelligence, courage and
passion. Living life to the full, grabbing it and you by the
heart and the balls, giving you everything. Teaching you.
Commitment with a different taste to it, because as much as she and
they loved you, you were different. You loved her, but still, you
drew apart. You looked…out.
Jackson, D. Be honest. You looked for him. It cost
you her. She paid with everything she was to free you, not
her. You got to have it all. You got your team, you
got to be a part. You got respect, validation, a cause, a path, a
paid so you fight for all of it. It has to MEAN something.
You have to make a difference. If you don't, then neither did
she. She paid for nothing.
boy told you to find another path, not knowing the path you took was
another way for you. For the first time, you didn't close in on
yourself, you didn't hurt yourself for others. You struck
out. You tasted hate and burned with the power of it.
Yet…your enemy saw you clearer than your friends, showed you a truth
you had not known and denied with all you were.
can't need, you know you can't, everything in your life has shown you
that. Everything you've done to yourself not to need, and
still…you need him.
do you do? What the hell do you do?
can't be without him and he doesn't see you.
never been lonely before. Even being a part has its price, and it
seems you can’t be alone any more. It was your solace, your
choice. You lost yourself in the power of words you didn't read
on a page you didn't see. You lived and breathed and flew in the
power of words. You were free. Words lifted you out of
yourself, took you beyond all the parts of you that you locked away.
don't hurt when you read. Only then.
lifts you, takes you beyond even the power of words and the passion of
half your life is his.
hurts to be alone. It hurts to be without him. It won't
ever stop hurting because you don't get to have him. Empty life,
look in your mirror and after a while you wonder where the feeling went.
do have defences. You always cope. You adjust and function,
no matter what it takes. When every breath hurts, still, you can
do it for them. The team is more important than you. Hard
to learn, hard to know, but you are important to them. They would
kill for you or die for you. They love you.
most of all. He can't be without you. There is nothing he
wouldn't do for you and still, you don't get to have him. He'll
never look at you and see you shattering him in tangled sheets, your
sweat-soaked skin sliding over his.
don't know what to do with that, so you go on. It's the small
things that get you through and hurt you most.
he walks away with a flip remark about radiation sickness and you know
and he knows you'd do it for him. Whatever. It doesn't
matter. You don't walk away from him.
week before he laid down his gun and everything he believed for you.
sits in a closed room and tells secrets, and when you ask…
not perfect, Jackson, D. Admit it. You need to know.
you ask, he tells you lies.
he looks at her and smiles, and not at you.
he's in your face and in your space and he sees nothing and knows
nothing but you, and she's there, she's right there.
Watching. He pushes your glasses up with that 'dare you' look on
soft look, as close as he gets to shy, his hand on your arm and all
your defences…what defences? You LOST him, and he's there, he's
with you, melting your bones with his smile. He doesn't need to
touch you to shake right through you.
you can't be you any more, when you can't live in that fear. You
have no power, no path, no place. Your cause is lost and so are
you. He's there but he's as far from you as he's ever been.
He doesn't know. He doesn't see. You want to let go.
It hurts to breathe. You've known that, lived that too
long. There has to be an ending.
all goes away. It went with Mom and Dad. It went with
Danny. You could have it back. If only he would see.
You wish he knew no one ever touched you like he touches you, not
even…no one. You don't freeze. You fall into him, yearning.
can't fight for you, but you can fight for him. It shocks through
you. If you let go…this, he'll see.
say his name and he's there, he's with you. As lost as you, and
loves Jackson, D. The child.
doesn't matter about Danny. You try not to need, and you go on.
is more important than you.
Battles by PhoenixE
can't believe it's come to this - we - you -
don't want to do this. You can't. I know what I'm seeing
but I just don't believe it. This isn't you. Not the Daniel
I know. You can't NEED to do this. Not someone like you. No
one could get through what you have, on your own, and not want to live
so much there's no words for it. You're no quitter.
everything you've survived, everything you've achieved, everything
you've fought for, is this what you really believe you deserve?
The only thing all of it means - the point of the whole exercise?
The shape of the final exam?
shouldn't be here, Daniel, not you. Not in this place, on this edge, so
close to falling for the final self-deception, so far from seeing what
you really are. What you think you add up to isn't this. Your
'truth' is a lie. What you won't believe in so simple, obvious and good
you can't accept it.
good. It's that simple. What can I tell you, I call them like I
see them and when I look at you, all I see is you. Good.
Why can't you see it too? I don't get it.
then, that's always been the problem, hasn't it? You think I
don't get it. I don't get you. I don't see, I don't know, I
don't understand, I couldn't possibly…
a bright guy, I don't know anyone smarter, but even you don't know
everything. I get it. I know a lot more than you think I
just don't know what to do for you.
do anything, everything. I'm standing right behind you, closer
than your own skin and yet as far away as you've always kept me. I'd
give you anything, everything you need, faster than a heartbeat but
here's the kicker, buddy, I can't do a damned thing because you won't
let me. All I can do is stand here like a big, dumb bump on a log
and I both know how much I suck at sitting on the sidelines. But
what else can I do when you won't let me play on your team? So
here I stand, apparently good for nothing but here I'm staying, because
whether or not you'll take me, you've still got me. All the way.
trying to get through to you, to get you to take anything, well, it's
like trying to roll a boulder up a hill. Swimming against the
current. Spitting into the wind. Bashing my head against
the brick wall of your unshakeable conviction you're not, you don't,
you won't get, you don't need. Mister 'No Man is an Island except
I should have stopped pussyfooting around months ago and went with my
gut, grabbed you and kissed the shit out of you. Maybe if I had,
if I hadn't been such a -
now I'm doing it. I can't very well stand here and tell you it
doesn't do any good to beat yourself up with what's over and done with
or bleed yourself dry on 'should have' and 'if only' if I'm doing the
same damn thing. So I'm not gonna. So there. Keep it
in there here and now. Deal with things the way they are, work on what
we have to work with and where we can go from here.
like a plan, huh? Only one problem - I'm here and you're - you're where
you are. Before either one of us can take the next step I've got to get
on my side. And yours.
not going down without a fight.
past is the past, Daniel. I can't change it, and neither can
you. While there definitely are battles worth fighting, there's
no point wasting energy on stuff you can't change and battles you can't
I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you I
would. But I can't. I can't do a damned thing to change
what's already happened. That's the way it is sometimes, too much of
the time, when it matters the most, there's not a damned thing you can
do. It's a real kick in the head, isn't it, when you know there
are times you can make a difference in really big ways. Hell, we do it
every freaking day, it's part of the job description,
practically. But then, I don't have to tell you that, you know
all about this one. You've gone out there and made a difference for
every single person on this planet. Every one but you.
we've sure done our share, haven't we? Fight the good fight, save the
world before breakfast, twice on Sundays, be a big hero on a daily
basis but when you really want what you can do to count…
know about fighting with everything you've got and still losing.
I know about things that cut so hard and deep you look down the barrel
of a gun for absolution. That kind of arrogance self-deception is
seductive and seems even more logical when you're chin deep in your own
shit and still sinking. But what you don't see right now, Daniel,
what you don't understand is it's not a solution - it's a curse.
It doesn't solve anything, sure doesn't stop the hurting.
not an ending for the ones left behind.
don't. Please don't.
think I don't get it. You think I can stand here and see you and
not know? You think I don't give a damn when you throw that 'I'm
fine' at me and walk away weighed down with your 'I don't need NUTHIN
from no one' armour leaving me no choice but to let you?
me for granting you the dignity of making your own choices if refusing
to force you to take what you need made you believe there was nothing
left for you but this. Or that I didn't care enough about you to
make the effort.
so not true. And it's not fair. But it never was, from the
very beginning. I went into this whole friendship thing with you
with two strikes against me from the very beginning because of what all
those other bastards did to you. None of it was my fault, but
I've had to suffer the consequences all the same. Had no choice but to
struggle gamely on trying to work with what they forced you to become.
I've been measured against the yardstick of what you've learned to
accept as 'truth', judged by what you expect to receive, tainted by the
remembered transgressions of the others who hurt you.
I ever did to you was love you. Yes, you. I've got some freaking nerve,
it, Danny. That's my bottom line. It doesn't get any more
complicated than that and neither do I. I'm a simple guy, no hidden
depths or meaning here, not when it comes to you. You're so into
making everything harder than it has to be, looking for the hidden
meanings and significance in every gosh darned thing - making a big
production number out of next to nothing, but sometimes, all that
effort, scrutiny, analysis, it's not necessary or needed. Not
only is it a big honking waste of time but you wind yourself up in the
bargain and all we both get for the effort is more screwed up and
it just is what it is. A rock is just a rock, you know? It
doesn't mean a damned thing more. What you see is what you get.
Don't read anything more into me than what's standing right in front of
you, 'cause if you're looking for the catch, the cost, the punch line,
the hidden agenda you'll be looking in vain and wasting a lot of
precious time. We've both done too much of that already, don't
it is, and so am I. What you want, what you need, right
here. All yours. It's that simple. You not only get to
have, you don't have to ask for it; all you have to do is let me in.
know you think it's too late, things have moved on, I'm not here for
you any more, but that's not true. I know the way it's looked to
you, but that's only because - dammit, I can't help it if I care about
all of you. That's the way I am, I give a crap, caring about all
of you more than I should doesn't mean…
think, her and me, I know you do, but that's not the way it is.
What's more, it never could be that way, between me and her. You
know why? It's simple.
doesn't NEED me.
you it was simple. But then, so am I.
got to let all this crap go, Daniel. It's in the past, but it
isn't over because it's still hurting you. As long as you embrace
your pain instead of me, I can't help you. Can't do a damned
thing except watch you destroy yourself. Slowly and painfully, by
needless, agonising inches or all at once - like this. Not only
is that senseless
tragic, but it's just plain stupid. We both lose, and the bad guys
do this. Don't leave me. This isn't your only choice.
There is another way. Come with me. Come inside. We
can work it out. We can.
I heard you. I'm right here. I've got you. I've got
you and I'm not letting go. That's it; that's the way. Come
back over, slow and easy. You're safe, now. We'll go back
in together and then we'll fix this. Whatever you need, whatever it
takes, we'll find a way. It'll be all right. It'll be
fine. You'll be fine. We'll both be okay, now. You'll see.
love you. You're all that matters. Now, and from now on..
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