drowsy from red wine and firelight when Jack's arm slid around
him. He went with the flow, hitching closer to rest his head on
Jack's shoulder, basking in the comfort of easy, familiar affection.
drive in this condition," Jack murmured into the soft hair tickling his
chin. "You should stay." Daniel stirred sleepily, gazing up
at him with those shy, intense eyes. Jack cupped Daniel's chin,
brushing his thumb gently over his mouth. Daniel's sweet
answering smile made his groin tighten reflexively. "I am so
going to kiss you," he promised.
me, fighting you off," Daniel retorted, sliding his fingers over the
smooth fabric of Jack's black shirt, tensing as he felt the taut ridges
of muscle bunching under his hand. Impulsively, he reached up to
the open collar, watching Jack's velvety eyes darken as he worked a
button loose, then another, pushing the shirt aside to stroke Jack's
collar bone and the sensitive hollow of his throat. He traced the
outline of Jack's Adam's apple with careful fingers. He was
getting hard from this, just from touching.
killing me," Jack complained, planting his hand over Daniel's, trapping
it against his skin. "Playing with fire," he added ruefully,
aware of Daniel's arousal, his quickened breathing. When Daniel
shifted restlessly against him, Jack turned into him. They held
one another close, nuzzling faces softly. Kissing Daniel was one
pleasure Jack couldn't resist or refuse. He got another of
Daniel's sweet smiles as their lips brushed slowly, savouring one
Daniel sighed happily, pulling Jack closer as they deepened the kiss,
opening to the moist swipe of Jack's insistent tongue. He moaned
as Jack stroked passionately into him, shocks of pleasure shivering
over his skin. Daniel was pulling, Jack was leaning…they tumbled
down on the couch. Cradling Jack's face, Daniel stilled Jack's
aggressive thrusting to suck sensuously on his tongue.
Jack groaned to himself as Daniel's leg hooked tightly around his
hip. It was driving him crazy, although Jack couldn't blame
Daniel. The heat of Daniel's erection was hard against his own as
he moved languorously beneath Jack.
shared small pleasures; the slow, thorough, passionate kissing.
Exploring the softness of hair and skin, firm muscle under denim and
clasped his face and held him. "I love you," he said gravely.
Jack replied, capturing a hand to kiss the delicate tracery of veins at
Daniel's wrist. "Me too, Daniel. Me too."
skipping a beat, Daniel gazed up into Jack's eyes, liquid with
tenderness for him. He pulled Jack back into his arms, knowing
this would be over too soon. He never believed the lie, that this
was enough, that he didn't need more than knowing Jack was in love with
him, that he was all of Jack's hope for the future. They'd been
on the edge for so long, the two of them. Couldn't they think of
themselves and not the team? Just one time. This time.
smiled against his mouth, slow and teasing.
retaliated, taking tiny dabs at Jack's lips with the tip of his
tongue. Jack's tongue darted out to touch his and Jack was
lost. Daniel sank into him, moaning in satisfaction as Jack
surrendered and opened to him, allowing him to map every contour of his
mouth. Daniel revelled in the contrasts. The rich berry
taste of wine, silken soft-palate, the rasp of Jack's limber tongue and
slick, cool teeth.
his leg tighter around Jack's back, hauling Jack closer to him, always
closer…deepening the kiss, moving his hips achingly against Jack's,
catching his breath at the answering heat, straining up, trying to
touch everywhere. His hands roamed at will over the hard, lean
planes of Jack's rangy body. He'd barely tasted the smooth skin
and crisp hair.
never close enough.
Daniel was like this, passionate and generous, it just about killed
Jack to stop, but he did, pulling away to sit up, panting, dishevelled
and aching. It would be so damned easy to lose control…
groaned, resting his arm across his eyes, his kiss-swollen lips tight
as he fought for breath. "I don't want to stop," he said shakily,
scrambling up to tumble off the couch, stumbling gracelessly.
Jack reached out to steady Daniel, catching him close, too damned
close. He was staring at soft, parted lips still wet and swollen
from his kisses, then he was touching, borne back onto the couch as
Daniel leaned into him to straddle his thighs. Gentle hands
cupped Jack's face, easing his head back to rest on the couch.
Delicate, practiced fingers stroked through his hair, danced over every
feature of his face in turn, Daniel intent and focused, fixing Jack's
face in his mind like someone…
kissed before. Once before, when everything festering between
them came to a head. It was enough for them, just knowing.
They weren't really alone. They'd agreed. The team came
first. They owed it to Carter. Teal'c. Work was
great. They were great.
So why did
Daniel look…desperate? What did Jack owe Daniel, looking at him
now like he was someone Daniel never expected to see again?
Daniel rubbed his face caressingly against Jack's, biting his lip now,
choking down need they wouldn't have, couldn't.
never close enough.
closed his eyes tight, grimacing as Jack's finger tracked a single tear
slipping down his cheek. He turned away, pushing at Jack's
go," Daniel said jerkily.
ignored Jack, wrenching free of the loose grip on his wrist. "I
have to go." He made it up the steps before Jack caught
him. "Jack, please," Daniel protested wearily. He hung his head
as Jack's heavy hands forced him around so they were face to
face. "I don't want to fight."
you want?" Jack asked tautly.
looked up. "I want to fuck," he said flatly.
cock jerked hard, desire panging fiercely low in his belly. Daniel's
hand snaked between them to cup his crotch.
you don't, Jack," Daniel challenged him, his hand rubbing rhythmically
against Jack's throbbing erection. "Tell me," he whispered
against Jack's mouth. Jack grabbed his ass and they flowed into a
kiss deeper than any they'd shared, biting at one another's mouths as
they ground their hips together.
staggered back as Jack's tongue plunged triumphantly into his mouth,
Jack pushed into him and they kept moving. Daniel's ass hit the
table by the door and he hitched up onto it, wrapping his legs around
Jack's back. Jack thrust aggressively into him, stroking deep and
hard, demanding his response. Daniel fumbled at the buttons on
Jack's Levi's and gave it, freeing Jack's erection to jut against his
literally shook from head to foot when Daniel's hand closed over his
cock. His gasp was smothered in Daniel's mouth. He couldn't
believe - couldn't think - couldn't…
Daniel. His Daniel. His own. Daniel's trembling hand
clumsily stroking him, making his whole body pound. Daniel
humping him wantonly, eyes closed, his perfect face slack and greedy
with need, moaning as they kissed.
enough not to do each other on the floor by the front door, instead
weaving like drunks for the bathroom - the medicine cabinet.
Daniel pulled off his fine pale grey sweater, distracting Jack from his
search for some kind of lubricant.
Daniel said impatiently, reaching past him for a tube of cream.
few abortive attempts, Jack finally undid the button on Daniel's white
jeans. Daniel's fingers clasped his wrist as he pulled the zipper
down and pushed the jeans down over the narrow hips and long, slender
thighs. They broke apart long enough to pull off the last of
their clothes then melted back into the kiss, hands everywhere as Jack
backed out of the bathroom. Jack's fingers clenched hard enough
on Daniel's bare ass to bruise. He gloated over the silken skin
and tight muscle, quivering from his touch, sliding beneath his fingers
as they stumbled into the bedroom.
know what you're doing?" Jack asked urgently as the back of his knees
hit the bed. Daniel nodded tightly and shoved him hard, climbing
on top of him as he sprawled back. He rubbed himself over Jack,
pressing into him like he was trying to climb inside him, passionately
kissing his lined throat. There was a rawness to this, an urgency
Jack hadn't felt for twenty years. Daniel took little nips at
Jack's jaw, looking down at Jack like he was a complete stud, like
Daniel didn't see all the years Jack had lived hard, like Jack was
shaking as if he couldn’t believe he got to have this, touching Jack
reverently with gentle, inquisitive fingers, lifting Jack's hand to his
mouth to kiss the callused palm, to suck and blow on each finger in
turn. He kissed Jack with inexpressible sweetness, wide blue eyes
dazed with love and gratitude. "Love you, Jack," he promised.
get so lucky?" Jack whispered, clearing his tight throat gruffly.
Daniel scooted down his body to bury his face in Jack's groin, inhaling
ecstatically. He sniffed at Jack's balls, his tongue flickering
out to taste.
Jack called with desperate casualness as he walked into the briefing
room, his voice much too loud. And high. Whoa. Must
have climbed half an octave there. Hammond looked at him
curiously as he slid into his seat and fussed over his report, which he
response lagged behind the general's good-humoured greeting. Jack
had to look up at that point, because the guy sounded like he was
choking. Daniel was pink. Cheeks, forehead, ears.
get home okay?" Jack blurted.
winced at the sharp question. The unwelcome reminder.
Daniel said flatly, futzing with his coffee mug, which he shoved
impatiently away from him.
looked at Daniel, mildly curious.
Daniel's explanation hung for an inordinately long pause. "Food,"
he said weakly, waving a vague hand in Jack's direction.
Jack supplied helpfully, rolling his eyes significantly at Daniel, who
helped out by refusing to look at him.
nodded as if that explained everything.
a cab back. It - it was late," Daniel explained
unnecessarily. He picked his pen up to help keep his fingers
still, watched Hammond's brows climb and put the pen back down
again. Then he straightened it. Then he put his hands in
his lap and tried to look intelligent.
worried," Jack commented.
worried enough to call, Daniel thought bitterly, finally looking at his
ex-whatever-the-hell Jack was. There had to be some apt name for
a man who fucked you, then fucked you over. He'd have to ask
Janet. She'd know. She was divorced.
the first time he'd been fucked. Wasn't even the first time he'd
been fucked over.
fingers clenched reflexively, white-knuckled.
seen Jack coming.
happy enough to 'me too' him in the witching hour, high on berry-rich
red wine and kissing. The same very soberJack who couldn't get
him out of the house fast enough at 3am.
after all. Just sex and inconvenience to Jack's command.
would have forgiven the first panicked reaction, the rush to get him
dressed and out. He'd half-expected Jack to freak, knowing how
bad they'd both wanted it. How good it had been.
tenderness was a lie. After thirty minutes of cutting silence,
Daniel knew that. He was glad he'd had to wait for the cab.
Glad he knew how Jack felt before he'd left the house. It would
have been so much worse to have to face Jack at work this morning, to
wait all day for the talk Jack would've wanted them to have, wondering
if Jack was over his panic attack, if they were okay.
weren't okay. They were as far from that as they'd ever been.
this way. Daniel left the house knowing exactly where he
stood. What could Jack say about that, really? It was the
first time Jack had been with a man and the reality was - well, Jack
didn't want Daniel. Good sex, good buddies, no strings.
That much was crystal clear.
was a stretch when Daniel's chest was crowded with misery. He
ached. This too he was used to.
orders and questions flowed over Daniel, a buzz in his ears, nothing
more. He made vague affirmative noises when Hammond looked at him
expectantly, but would have to wait for the minutes of the meeting
before he could make sense of what he was committing himself to.
No one's life was on the line, he knew that.
himself watching Jack's hands as he doodled in the margins of his
report, failing to look efficient as usual. Beautiful, capable
hands, callused and heavy, skilled and sensitive. Remembering the
weight of a sure touch on his skin, the first cautious stroke of
pleasure inside him, Daniel's face flamed.
everything he had to fight the sick shame that swamped him.
Jack announced his presence in the office. Daniel wasn't working
but he still jumped in his chair, long fingers clenching hard on the
book he wasn't reading.
working," Daniel lied.
you aren't answering your phone?" Jack asked mildly.
it!" Daniel snapped, jumping up as Jack closed the door behind
him. He got in front of Jack as he was making purposefully for
the door beside Daniel's desk. "We've got nothing to talk about,
Jack," he insisted.
you to leave," Jack said quietly. Daniel flinched like he'd
smacked him, shoulders hunching as he seemed to fold in on himself
before Jack's eyes. Jack stood for a moment, his fingers lightly
resting on Daniel's belly. "Not for any of the reasons you might
think." Daniel wasn't moving, wasn't talking. Jack wasn't
sure Daniel was even breathing, but he used it to get to the other door
and close it too. That was as much privacy as they could get on
base. They shouldn't be talking about this here, but he couldn't
wait. Daniel couldn't wait. "I didn't know what to do."
apparent," Daniel retorted. His arms crossed in front of him,
hands sliding round to hug his ribcage.
winced at the familiar gesture, so habitual he was sure Daniel didn't
do it consciously. As he walked over, Daniel backed away, his
head dropping. Jack caught up with him, manoeuvring him back
against the workbench. He put his own hands over Daniel's,
lightly clasping his waist. It was difficult to be close without
crowding. Daniel did look up at him then, his eyes shadowed and
nothing to say, Jack. We fucked and you tossed me out of the
house when you came to your senses."
know you loved me," Jack admitted uneasily. "That you felt so
Daniel whispered, stunned and paling. "Why do you think I…"
He stood staring at Jack, mouth open, unable to think of a word to
say. He felt dazed - stupid and disconnected, as if everything
was happening a long way off. He was shivering; the only heat was
from Jack's hands over his.
time we go to bed together, you let me…"
Daniel snarled, "Stop right there. Let?" he demanded
angrily. "I didn't 'let' you fuck me, Jack. I wanted
you. Period. Sex is about equality as well as
intimacy. Partnership. You've been married. I
thought you got that."
I do! It's just…I wasn't expecting…" Jack didn't know what to say
either. When did he ever? He scrubbed wearily at his eyes
with the heels of his hands.
different between men," Daniel said more quietly. "That part at
least. It shouldn't be."
bewildered hurt in his voice cut Jack like a knife.
I could do this, Daniel," Jack said helplessly. "I swear…I
figured we'd hang out, cruise through it all until my knees finally
give out and I have to blow this gig for good. It has to
be that way."
the goddamned team," Jack growled. "I wanted you out of it
because I can't - now I've been with you I can't stop, okay!" he
yelled. "I can't, I don't even want to, and I have to. I
have to. We…I was supposed to retire before we…I don't know what
to do, Daniel. I don't have a fucking clue." He stared at
Daniel, hungry and thwarted, suddenly snatching at one of Daniel's
hands to pull it between them, cupping it over his crotch just as
Daniel had last night. Daniel's breath caught when Jack's
did. The soft touch of Daniel's hand through the fabric of his
BDUs was enough to make Jack's cock swell and throb. Just that
and Daniel's nearness. The memory of making love.
leaned in to rest his face on Daniel's shoulder.
love with you," Jack whispered into the warm skin of Daniel's
neck. He shuddered pitiably as Daniel's arms came around him, and
pulled Daniel into a fierce embrace. "In love. You know
what that means. It was in your eyes, in the way you were with
me. That was it for you."
it was," Daniel murmured huskily. "You hurt me."
to," Jack said bleakly. "I needed to."
Daniel persisted. "Talk to me," he urged. "Please,
Jack. Don't shut me out."
of help Jack hadn't, couldn't, ask for was there.
the plea in Daniel's voice, hated doing this to someone he loved.
"I shut Sara out," he blurted, leaning back to clasp Daniel's face
urgently. "I can't shut you out. I have to - and I can't."
about being team leader?" Daniel asked tentatively, frowning.
It was one
of the things Jack had always liked best about Daniel, that he never
rushed to judge or belittle. Daniel was hurting badly, more than
a little afraid. Still trusting, still reaching out though.
feelings change because we…"
love," Jack interrupted, more harshly than he'd intended. He
kissed an apology, nuzzling Daniel's throat.
on his couch for hours after Daniel left, remembering the soft,
pleasured moans Daniel made as Jack moved inside him, his supple body
rocked by each of Jack's steady, measured thrusts. The weight of
Daniel's ass on Jack's quivering thighs, the sharp twinges in his knees
as he rhythmically drove his hips into silken, gripping heat fitting
and holding him exactly, Daniel's pleasure rippling around him…he'd
never imagined it could be so good. Even having Daniel's long
legs draped over his shoulders had a dignity, an eroticism he hadn't
suspected. It was easy for them to touch and kiss, Daniel
reaching up to Jack again and again. When Jack wasn't reaching
held hands. It felt right. As right as the way Daniel's shoulders
arched off the bed, his head thrashing when Jack's cock rubbed over the
sweet spot he found again and again, Daniel rocking his hips up to meet
each stroke deep inside him…
keep a lid on it before," Jack admitted, starkly honest. "I could
jerk off and imagine how you'd taste, how you'd feel and sound.
Use the frustration."
afford the distraction," Daniel recognised sorrowfully.
you," Jack whispered. "Here. Now. We feel too much,
and I don't know what to do about it."
kissed him, gasping as Jack's lips ground against his, opening to the
tongue ravaging his mouth. Jack's weight bore him staggering back
against the workbench, digging painfully into his hip as Jack's steely
erection strained into him. Daniel held Jack, riding out this
storm of fear and frustration with him, giving as good as he got,
biting down to still Jack's sinuous assault. He sucked softly,
almost smiling when Jack's breath sobbed, the kiss deepening and
gentling to soft, rasping slides of tongue on tongue.
want to stop," he gasped when Jack snatched a few panting breaths.
that out last night." Jack's thin smile was humourless.
Daniel retorted impatiently. "I mean I don't think we should
stop. You can't quit the team. We need you," he said
casually, frowning as he tried to frame his tumbling thoughts.
you. I think."
tried this without you, remember?" Daniel dryly reminded him.
"Trust me, Makepeace being a traitor was strictly a side-issue from
where we were standing."
have sex twice a night and every time the team goes out I try and keep
my mind off your ass and on the treeline?" Jack demanded.
looked at my ass before last night?" Daniel enquired mildly.
"You've had your hand on it on off-world on at least three occasions I
cleared his throat gruffly, refusing to make eye contact.
think having sex two or three times a night will make you less
distracted?" Daniel coaxed, stroking Jack's back soothingly.
Jack hesitated. "Two or three?"
four. Familiarity breeds contempt," Daniel suggested vaguely.
the case of your ass it doesn’t," Jack said grimly, his wayward cock
leave the team."
have sex because it's too distracting, but thinking about sex all the
time is equally distracting," Daniel mused. "I don't know what to
do either, except break this off."
Jack said flatly.
each other or we hurt Sam and Teal'c," Daniel sighed.
be together, we can't be apart."
his head. "It doesn't change how I feel," he promised Daniel
gently. "I was wrong, I guess, but I just wanted to get you clear
of this mess."
instinct is to protect, Jack, I understand that," Daniel reassured him.
tided Jack's face. "Fuck," he said dully. "I didn't think
anything would make this worse."
only think of one thing we can do," Daniel said gravely. "Be
honest. With each other."
winced, reaching out to hold Daniel's nape in a rough, tight
grip. "I did it for the best, Daniel. I did it for
you." He drew Daniel down to his shoulder. "I swear."
wrong, Jack, and we're…we're not fine." Daniel shifted his suddenly
pounding head restlessly over the rough fabric of Jack's
fatigues. "We will be. May be."
stiffened, then nodded tightly.
Sam and Teal'c," Daniel went on. "But this is a lot to ask of
them. If they need us out of the team…we owe it to them."
He looked up then to see Jack pale. "Ashamed, Jack?" he asked,
breaking the rules, of breaking my word? Sure. How could I
not be?" Jack kissed Daniel's brow. "Of being in love with
you? No. I promise."
promises, Jack," Daniel said tightly. "Just honesty." He
reached behind him for the phone, Jack's hand closing around his
wrist. "It was never about just the two of us. Last night -
if we were free to choose for ourselves, it would be that way."
the pleading note in Daniel's soft voice, the need for
reassurance. He would offer what he could, because he'd wiped out
Daniel's certainty of happiness, of being loved, in thirty minutes of
silent, unsubtle rejection. His motives didn't matter. Only
this. Daniel. Generous enough not to quit on him.
Needy enough, maybe that was part of it too.
his kids know, that was an ending, one way or the other. It hurt
to open himself up like this, to expose his failings. Maybe lose
their respect. His command. It didn't hurt him as much as
making Daniel feel cheap. Daniel wouldn't get over this in a
day. Maybe not ever, not wholly. Trust, the kind Daniel
offered Jack freely - that wasn't a small thing. For Daniel, it
did last night was something Daniel would have to get over, like so
many things that had hurt him in his life. It shouldn't be that
way, but for Daniel it was.
needed this from Jack, needed him to work to make things right between
them, to earn his trust again. Making Daniel happy was a small
thing, it took so little. For Jack, it was everything. "We
lay our cards on the table, huh?"
"I hate to
lie," Daniel said quietly. "I know it was for your sake we kept
our feelings private, for the good of the team, for your career.
I was never happy about it. I was uncomfortable concealing our
relationship from the Air Force, and lying to Sam and Teal'c…" Daniel
bit his lip. "Not having sex wasn't justification for lying to
our friends about our relationship, Jack. We've been compromised
for months. We've been compromising them."
veritas," Jack announced.
blinked hard, his eyelashes fluttering.
kissed Daniel tenderly, almost chastely. "I've been lying to
myself, Daniel," he said regretfully. "What we were last night -
that was the truth. I want to be with you. I want to make
love and see you all the time. I don't see how that's
possible. We have to decide what's more important.
Us. Or SG-1."
our decision alone to make, Jack," Daniel decided. "I
can't…" He looked down. "I can't go on like this. I
can't be alone. I'm sorry."
defeat in Daniel's voice hurt Jack, though it wasn't meant to.
He'd pushed Daniel too hard, expected more than Daniel could
give. Jack was ashamed he hadn't seen how afraid Daniel was of
being alone, how much he yearned for connection. Daniel went too
easy on Jack, carried too damn much and said too little. "We talk
to Carter and Teal'c. If they know about us, maybe - maybe they
can help," he offered impulsively, mouth engaging before brain, as
looked up eagerly. "If Sam had some latitude - if she could say
if she thought there was favouritism or - or…"
to smile at that. Daniel had so much confidence in Carter and
Teal'c. He was struck by a sudden memory of Teal'c in the dunes
on Vorash, unnervingly, infuriatingly sure Daniel and Carter would come
for them. Jack had the same confidence in their loyalty, in their
judgement before he stepped over the line, before he got personally
involved with Daniel. It was his mistake, one of many, to forget
who they were when he was the one who was changing. "If they
trust me with their lives, the team can go on," Jack told Daniel
seriously. "It's their choice."
they can't trust us?" Daniel asked anxiously.
warmed Jack. "How much are you willing to bet they won't?" Jack
challenged Daniel softly. Watching Daniel's slow, shy smile, Jack
finally accepted his choice was made whatever Carter and Teal'c decided
about his place on the team. He picked up the phone and dialled.
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