Slash: Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves sex.
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humour.
Season/Spoilers: Season 4.
Synopsis: Daniel objects to being commanded in the field or indeed anywhere else, if he has to do be commanded according to Jack's rules!
Warnings: None.
Length: 12 Kb


To: Colonel Hard-ass Soon To Wish He Was Never Born O'Neill .............................................................................................................. USAF
They say they own him, they're bloody well welcome to him.  I just wish they'd take responsibility for him and do a better job of keeping him from ANNOYING me.

From: Colonel Jack O’Neill, USAF
The one and only.  God help all of us.

Date: His last day on Earth ................................................................................................


I have news for you Colonel, sir.  Though I expect it's hardly news by now.  You've sprung a leak.  You are nursing a traitor to your bosom.  One of your trusted associates sold you down the river.

I know who it is but I'm not telling. Can't make me.  I'm on to all your methods.  Including the infamous tickle-torture. If a Goa'uld with a ribbon device can't break me what makes you think you're going to have any more luck with your beer of choice, ten fingers and a pair of roguish brown eyes?  No - not EVEN the eyes.

In the sense he’ll make my life a living hell forever if he finds this.
I can't for the life of me imagine why you would think this.  Colonel 'If I don't get things my way I'll do everything in my power to make sure you don't enjoy getting yours'.  'Petty is not my middle name but it damned well should be'.  'It's easier to just give in, trust me.'  'You haven't even BEGUN to suffer' O'Neill.

Can't imagine why YOU would think this of me.  At all.

Re: Commanding Doctor Daniel Jackson in the field (or anywhere else for that matter)
I am breathless with anticipation...Not to mention a certain degree of trepidation...

1. I use the term ‘commanding’ in its loosest possible sense, since Daniel has stated clearly for the record he’s never trusted my command. You're never, EVER going to let this go, are you?  No illicit substance, no mind whammy, no alien virus, no amount of alcohol, pleading, yelling or tactical tickling will induce him to explain that remark to my satisfaction. Told you. I should know.  You think you're good.  I know I'm better. I’ve tried a frenzied interrogation every damn time.
And you can just go right on guessing.  If I was ever - I mean EVER inclined to explain myself...well, it ain't gonna happen now...

2. I have certain dark suspicions that I should have put my foot down hard on day one and insisted he called me Colonel O’Neill.  Instead he disarmed me completely by calling me Jack, actually, you misunderstood me.  I was calling you JERK.  I'm considering reverting to the former appellation.  Seriously...and now I just have to put up with the fact he happily follows my orders just so long as they are cunningly disguised as sensible suggestions Hah! (or unhappily follows them if I tell him ‘that’s an order’, which is me-speak for ‘sorry, Danny, I know I’m a prick but you HAVE to’) Really? and I hustle him along before he can think of anything even more sensible or ‘interesting’ to suggest to me that we should do.  Not that you ever LISTEN to me, or anything...Oddly enough, if you don’t show enough hustle carrying out orders Daniel happens to agree with wholeheartedly – such as ‘Save the Earth!’ – he will badger you mercilessly until you perform to his satisfaction and ruthlessly keep you on topic if you so much as wheeze a dissenting opinion. You’re never gonna win this one.  Suck it up.
I am unclear as to the exact nature of your objection.  You're not complaining that I DON'T follow orders, but about the way that I DO? May I suggest I'm not the one with the problem here? If it's simply a question of 'style' - if it gets the job done, what's the problem?  We are on the same team here, right?  Right?

3. Daniel will automatically know and make you face the flaw in every specious self-serving argument, the consequences of every bad decision, the ethical responsibility of your command and the fly in every ointment.  It’s not enough he makes us think about all the things we NEVER want to think about.  He makes us fix them, too.
Are we STILL complaining, Colonel? Just doing my job.

4. Whilst he is CRYSTAL clear on knowing right from wrong, most days Daniel doesn’t know north from south, and in the face of extreme archaeological or linguistic excitement, can appear to the uninitiated to be decidedly shaky on differentiating his ass from his elbow.
I can't tell you how gratified I am to learn, after four years of putting up with you, how much of an effort you've apparently expended into putting up with me.  I have been blissfully unaware I've been such a constant source of amusement and concern for you, and my gratitude for your continued understanding of and tolerance for my manifest and encompassing ineptitude knows no bounds.

And if you bought one word of that last paragraph you obviously are suffering from calum cubito confusion as well.  Look it up.  That way we'll both learn something.

5. Daniel’s patented trembling, pouting I DO NOT POUT! lips and pleading, soulful eyes are LETHAL.  Just say NO.  Even if you do come off as a heartless bastard for hurting his feelings and you know the other two will pointedly give you attitude every step of the way back to the gate for being mean to him.
I'm vaguely troubled by the implications of this last paragraph.  Quick question, Colonel, do you know how old I am?  Maybe that should be how old do you THINK I am?  I think I should state, for the record, right here and now, anyone who attempts to burp me, chuck me under the chin or WIPE it - WILL be shot. Dead.  Instantly.  I have a gun, and I do know how to use it.  Don't make me show you.  Patting on the head is allowed, under certain circumstances.  The ass is also negotiable.  Hmm, upon further reflection, maybe I should reserve judgement on that last concession until I read a little farther, here.

6. Daniel’s extraordinary beauty, charm, innocence, sweetness, intelligence and empathy win for him many admirers.  More questions.  What reality are you living in and WHERE do you get this stuff? It is not Daniel’s fault that the above character traits prevent him seeing it coming until AFTER they have expressed their admiration for him firstly by forcibly separating him from his teammates, and secondly, by forcibly separating him from his clothes.  All right, let's have a little time out, here.  This has happened exactly ONCE in four years.  Okay, twice.  Ke'ra does NOT count - no clothes were removed, no mind altering substances were involved, I knew what I was doing and there were SF's on the other side of the damned door the whole time, not to mention a pathologically HOVERING (no doubt put up to it by YOU) Jaffa.  All other incidents of supposed lusting over my supposedly irresistible body have been entirely fabricated by your frustrated, twisted, depraved, furiously sublimating and until very recently heavily in denial, mind. Not to mention your insanely hyperactive and overdeveloped imagination.  And don't you DARE bring up P4B-911 again.  You were NOT there, you didn't see what actually happened and Major Coburn has learned his lesson.  You have quite convinced him you have no sense of humour WHATSOEVER when it comes to ANY suggestion I may have been in a situation off-world you do not approve of when in someone else's custody, and he will never, EVER try to wind you up again by putting a deliberately salacious slant on a perfectly innocent and above board first encounter situation. 'Cause if you don't kill him, he knows I will. The shoot to kill policy instigated by the team after the Destroyer of Worlds Is A Peach incident has nothing to do with the seething hell-pit of caustic jealousy I unexpectedly plummeted into and everything to do with Daniel’s health, safety and welfare.
The HELL it doesn't! And don't try and hide behind that threadbare 'I'm just doing this for your own good' tattered fabric of pathetic rationalisations and desperate lame excuses. The previous observation about you no longer being in denial?  I take it back.

7. Flirting.  Make him stop.
I am getting tired of saying this.  I do not flirt. As well as being in denial, the Colonel is clearly delusional.  Get him some help.  Quickly.  PLEASE.

8. The only language Daniel doesn’t speak, the only alien protocol he doesn’t follow, the only culture he fails to comprehend is…Military. I thought we had discussed this already.  Obviously not enough. This is inaccurate.  I fully comprehend Military.  What I do NOT comprehend is the way it requires its participants, in the spirit of becoming 'team players' and going 'by the book' to check their brains, free will and judgement at the door before entering.  Moreover, you will pardon the presumption and perspective of an outsider looking in - while I can understand the theory behind needing to instil order and discipline in an effort to enable a bunch of disparate individuals to respond as a seamless unit under difficult and life threatening conditions - the entire concept of 'chain of command' has an inherent and tragically unavoidable flaw.  It presumes, sometimes incorrectly, the person giving the orders is the right man for the job. And the order he is giving is the correct one for the situation. Which may or may not always be the case.  The name Bauer springs to mind for some reason…As I am not hampered by the requirement of having to forgo my independent thought processes or my discernment in order to serve as a member of SG-1, I am therefore able to exercise these faculties in the field.  To your benefit.  If you would stop getting all pissy about my methods you'd realise I'm only trying to help YOU do your job by providing you with ALL the possible options.  Whatever you may think of me I've always been a team player, Jack. And I'd love to actually be allowed to work with you, instead of in spite of you.  Any time you're ready...I’ve got a sneaking suspicion he’s kindly allowing me to feel pleasantly superior about this even when I feel completely bewildered by everything else, ‘cause he can sure as shit do all the stuff we do.  He just won’t admit it.
Thank you.  I think.

9. Daniel NEVER complains.  Ever.  Seriously.  His invariable response to any mission disaster, moral minefield unsuccessfully negotiated, personal tragedy or physical injury up to and probably including decapitation, is a crisply enunciated, emphatically prompt, ‘I’m fine’. Is this a complaint?  You would prefer I should scream for hours about a paper-cut, like other people we both know?  It's pointless for one, extremely undignified for another.  If we were talking decapitation, he might, and I emphasise might, trouble someone for a band aid.  You are of course exaggerating. Not to mention using a patently absurd example. I hardly think a band-aid would be efficacious in this particular instance. This tends to contrast somewhat starkly with his reaction to YOU if you happen to be whining at length, profusely, loudly and annoyingly...about the aforementioned mission disaster, moral minefield, broken nail, yadda yadda…in which case you’d better brace yourself for TLC, Jackson style, the gift that keeps on giving until General Hammond makes you give him back.  A small price to pay if it will get you to STOP whining.  Don't read anything more into it than ruthless self-interest.  I have no desire to go deaf from having to listen to you go on. I also have no desire to see either Sam or Teal'c (or both of them) kill you to get you to shut up.  Don't ask me why. I'm at a loss to explain it myself.  (Killjoy.  All that crap about exploitation…well, it was unnecessarily harsh in my opinion.)
Why does that not surprise me???

10. Daniel is ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS right.  Excuse me? What did you just say?  Give me a moment to restart my heart and pick myself up off the floor again.   Each and every time you forget this immutable truth and ignore his flaky, that's one  New Age, excuse me? touchy feely I beg your pardon? advice in favour of some plausible sciencey thing from Carter, I am not even going to dignify THIS with a will snap you in the ass.  It's not gonna be the only thing next time you feel you’re in need a bit of input from Doctor FLAKE.  Daniel sounds flaky, that's TWO in the same paragraph.  Playing with fire, here, fact he often sounds NUTS, I am about thirty seconds away from requesting a transfer here, but he’s always right, nope, sorry, too little far too late while Carter sounds emphatically rational and she is in fact quite often wrong. Ditto for this one.  It’s…embarrassing, but fortunately he isn’t the type to hold grudges.  Unless you’re a System Lord.
I'm rapidly becoming persuaded to start taking up the practice.  At least Apophis never called me odd.  Or flaky. New Age Touchy Feely?  I'll give you 'New Age' - I'm going to make a prediction for you, Colonel.  I predict the next time you throw your back out and  want the services of the magic fingers they're not going to be available.

11. Speaking of System Lords, Daniel is prone to snake-baiting.  Aw, they had it coming.  Leave me alone!  He tends to indulge in this exciting pastime at moments of extremis, such as being right in front of the infuriated System Lord in question, surrounded by armed guards with hair triggers.  Um, so like when have we ever been in the company of one when this HASN'T been the case?  My invitation to the System Lord 'Welcoming the Tau'ri to the Galactic Community Die as you are Cotillion' must have gotten lost in the wormhole.   He is particularly fond of comments like ‘yep, killed her too’ after the by now apoplectic System Lord has enquired after some absent loved one. Hey!  He started it!  It’s only a matter of time before my greying follicles give up the unequal struggle and just hit the road to Kojakville.
Why wait?  I have a razor you can use.  Employ it where you think it'll do you the most good.

12. Daniel is a people-person.  This can cause a little tension given the rest of us are shooting-people persons.  Daniel launches hopefully into that peaceful explorer spiel every time he bounces through the gate, even though he knows it lacks conviction when we’re visibly armed to the teeth (literally in Carter’s case; she bites) you're obviously never going to let THIS one go either.  Were you a terrier in a past life?  A remora, possibly?  Or just a huge millstone around someone's neck.  Oh wait, that's what you are in THIS life…..which makes me wonder what I did wrong last time around to deserve you now...which tends to make the locals think they’ll be going home in pieces.
Go on, admit it.  You love scaring the crap out of people who've never done you any harm.  One of the perks of your job.  Along with getting to make my life a living hell.

13. ‘TMI aka too much information’.  Daniel doesn’t actually ramble endlessly on, this is just a vicious rumour circulated by me, for reasons you don’t need to know.  Maybe they don't, but suddenly, I do.  Daniel does however seem to know almost everything, and he can do almost everything, come to think of it. You're trying to lull me into a sense of false security by complimenting me again.  I am NOT falling for it.  Next paragraph you'll be sneering at me and calling me a FLAKE.  The man who knows everything is a frustrated teacher.  He no sooner learns a thing than he wants to SHARE.  Well, d'uh - yeah! This can lead to TMI, a frequently occurring scenario when Daniel innocently makes the rest of us look like the intellectual mutts we are.  Your words, not mine.  I have never thought this, said this or implied this.  (Carter is getting…better…at dealing with this)   Daniel is used to blank stares, glazed eyes and careful explanations.  We try to work around him being a highly educated genius, and he tries to work around us being us.
Sigh.  I can see we're going to have to have another talk.  I have no idea where you get some of these notions from.  You're slowly driving me crazy, you know that.  I can only say 'you are not dumb' so many times before I start feeling I should be changing my name to Polly.  You try and give me a cracker I'm shooting you.  Oh what the hell, I just might shoot you anyway.

14. Contrary to popular belief, Daniel doesn’t wander off. Well, THANK YOU for that, anyway. He doesn’t have to.  Two minutes of concentrated nagging and/or pouting last time I am telling you this I DO NOT POUT. Getting my gun.  I'm not kidding here...gets him - and us - wherever he wants to go.  The pouting actually works in a nanosecond, but there isn’t anyone on the team who won’t milk that sulky little pout DNP!!!and the stormy eyes ??? for as long as they can get away with it, and for a variety of reasons no one will share with anyone else.  You know that vaguely distressed feeling I had at the beginning of this appalling dissertation?  It's turning into a full-fledged red alert. A whole, resounding chorus of alarm bells. There is a team consensus that we’re not going ANYWHERE there’s even a whisper of a hint we’ll find telepaths, no matter how fascinating Daniel finds the concept.  He has nothing to hide.  The rest of us are pleading the fifth and avoiding each other’s eyes.
So, if I am understanding what I am reading here correctly, the three of you have, on at least one occasion, gotten together and DISCUSSED this?  How much you enjoy annoying me and getting me to behave like an alleged THREE YEAR OLD so you can watch me POUT - which I do NOT do, in case I failed to make myself clear on this point earlier.  What's more, if you don't stop SAYING I do I just might sit here and hold my breath 'til I turn blue, so there!

15. We LOVE Daniel.  If we don’t get him back in EXACTLY the same condition in which you signed for him, you have a life expectancy of maybe two minutes, which is how long it would take one of us to get to the Armoury and back.
Okay, Jack, up until you used the L word, you had me. I was buying this latest sordid attempt to blatantly pull my chain but you've just tipped your hand.  Even you're not INSANE enough to use the L word in conjunction with me in a memo you actually intend anyone but me to see. I've been set up.  This whole thing has been one sick joke.  If I was to walk to my door, right now and throw it open I'd find both you AND the erstwhile traitor, not to mention the other one who HAS to be in on it as well, all with your ears pressed up against my door, listening to the sputtering symphony of outraged and indignant vocal protests I've been making in the course of perusing this document, trying your damnedest not to kill yourselves laughing.  I hope you've all enjoyed yourself and the amusement value of the exercise is worth the amount of pain, suffering and cold disdain it is about to earn you.

Don't the three of you have ANYTHING better to do?  If the answer is no, shouldn't that tell you something?  Wait a minute, not only am I sitting here reading this - I'm...

Oh lord, we're all totally pathetic.  The next sounds you hear will be the sounds of my forehead impacting with my desk.  Repeatedly.  Don't be alarmed and just leave me alone.  I'll be fine. And you can keep your band-aids.


I fully understand the confidential nature of the information contained in this contract and hereby agree to forfeit the limb of my choice if I reveal a word of it to Dr Daniel Jackson, including punctuation.
Jack, you do NOT want to know what I'm thinking right now.

I undertake to command Dr Jackson in the field (or anywhere else for that matter) in accordance with the above guidelines and accept you will kill me severely if he isn’t returned promptly and in mint condition.
This of course, presupposes I WANT to be returned.  I'll get back to you about this.  Or maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll just POUT for a bit to the considerable amusement of all and sundry.

And may God have mercy on my soul if I fuck up in any conceivable way.
Too late!

Signed  .............................................................................................................................................. USAF.

Dated ...................................................................................

Witnessed: Master Teal’c of Chulak.  Your God will not have mercy, and nor will I.
All three of you have yet to deal with ME.

Dated .................................................................................


You DON’T get to keep him!
Sigh, but you do.  I have no idea why, but for some strange reason I have a very large soft spot in my heart for you.  Not QUITE as large as the one in my head, apparently, but sizeable all the same.  I am coming out there now to bust all three of you miscreants (yes, you're going to have to look THAT one up too) and once I have duly chastised and dismissed Heckle and Jeckle you and I are going to go home and we are going to talk.  Yes, Jack - talk.  You can't run, and you can't hide.  Not only do I know where you live, I have a key.  Suck it up and take it like a man, or trust me, you'll not be sucking anything else any time soon.  And by the way, I love you too.  Where do you want me to sign?


p.s.  All right, I will admit it.  This bizarre exercise in whatever, even though it is sick, twisted and appalling, is also rather sweet - in a completely offensive way. And of course, it's all a joke.  Right?  The three of you came up with this 'contract' as a joke. It's all been in aid of trying to drive me insane.  No one else has seen it. You haven't ACTUALLY given it to anyone and made them...

Oh my God.  Even you're not THAT possessive.  And paranoid.  You wouldn't!  Tell me you really WOULDN'T!   I'll never be able to show my face in the mountain again.  Maybe it's not too late to…  Shit. I'm heading out with SG-11 tomorrow. Shit, shit SHIT!  Jack, as soon as I find my gun I swear to God...when I decide who I'm going to use it on, you or me, I'll get back to you.

Btw, I hope you didn't lose the keys to the doghouse - you're going to need them.  Pack a lunch.  Pack several.  Dress warm.  If you're looking for me I'm going to be very busy interviewing prospective new C.O.'s.  There has to be at least one non-pathologically protective SG commander out there who has absolutely no sense of humour.  We live in hope.  That's all I have left...


Colonel O'Neill feels the Rebuttal loses something in the translation and suggests you stick with the original. He has nothing to lose by suggesting this. He's in the doghouse already.

2002 Stargate Fan Fiction Award - Slash:  Best Humour2002 Stargate Fan Fiction Awards - Slash:  Best Quirky

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