Slash: Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves sex.
Rating: PG-13.
Category: Humour.
Season/Spoilers: Season 4.  'Absolute Power'.
Synopsis: Top Twenty Tips for Plucky Captive Sexual Plaything, including what to do when the Evil Overlord gets a little cranky.
Warnings: None.
Length: 12 Kb Download a printer-friendly PDF version of the story


:: DON'T fall for that 'Come here' line AGAIN.  You weren't anywhere NEAR the frigging transporter rings, not that second time.

:: After being caught in his living room clutching a corsage to your chest, why were you surprised your "I'm NOT that kinda guy!" was unconvincing?  Accept that the only action you'll be seeing ISN'T the action you're used to.

:: Keep telling yourself it's down to your Special Forces training, that you're just willing to do anything in order to survive.  That's all.  Survival.  It's got nothing to do with how good he is at  - lighting your candle.

:: Lying back and thinking of C-Span does NOT help with all that embarrassing screaming.  Insist he tells everyone you're being ruthlessly tortured for information.  Five times a night and as often through the day as you can both fit it into your busy schedule.

:: If his hand is hovering anywhere NEAR a button marked "Fire" or "Armed", forget your dignity, strip for your life.  This saves wear and tear on futile attempts to empty a magazine into him through the impenetrable shield.  Drop your drawers.  He'll come for you.

:: Rationalise your complete failure to escape his naked, sweaty clutches.  When the rebels finally get their act together, they won't need to worry about introducing some bimbo in a push up bra as a fifth columnist, cause you're already in the inner sanctum.  Often as you like, just bat your eyes and say the word.  Don't bother him with it unless the bitch won't fuck off and die when you tell her to.

:: Don't refer to the Evil Overlord as your little Space Monkey while he's terrorising the world's leaders via live satellite feed in the Bunker.

:: Remember the Evil Overlord's trigger finger gets itchy every damn time you tell him he's cute in jammies.

:: Enjoy the gilding on your wide screen, anamorphic, digital stereo surround sound every channel on the goddamn planet cage.

:: Don't spill beer on the defence system command chair while utilising the viewing screens in the Bunker to watch hockey.  Drives him crazy.

:: Don't own up it was you who ordered the shark that ate his fish.  Blame the evil henchman of your choice.

:: Remember he didn't build the defence system JUST so you could get a KILLER refresh rate on your Dreamcast live gaming.

:: Try not to feel guilty about his trusted lieutenant buying the farm.  He is one of the bad guys after all.  His own damn fault for trying his hand at blackmail.  The Evil Overlord does not need to know it was YOU who had both the crack Special Forces rescue teams firmly escorted from the premises, empty handed.

:: No matter how much your feelings are hurt (because, no matter what he says, he goddamn WAS flirting with the Air Force hostage negotiator, Major "Yes Dr Jackson, Paul is fine" Davis) venting them in hysterical tirades does not make the world a safer place.  Although the make-up sex is - no.

:: Even though the Evil Overlord is NOT a morning person, he still didn't see the funny side of your email to the world's leaders requesting them to limit their attacks on the Bunker to any time between twelve hundred and eighteen hundred hours.  Refrain from humorous emails.

:: Make sure the sycophants never again pass off instant as premium Colombian roast.  The fate of every Starbucks employee trembled on a knife's edge for several minutes.

:: Try not to gloat TOO much over Kinsey when you both make a point of calling down to his cell every morning on your way to walk Kinsey's dog and the Evil Overlord can't resist a little 'look at me funny and you will be mercilessly killed' teasing.  Just because it's never happened yet, doesn't mean it won't happen ever.

:: Allow the Evil Overlord ONE hour with the TV remote every night, purely for the sake of WORLD peace, not yours.

:: The Evil Overlord cuts you a lot of slack, but he DOES draw the line at you putting him down for his afternoon nap because he's a growing boy and needs his rest.  When the Evil Overlord gets THAT pissy, kiss him, tell him you love him and get in the bed with him.

:: If in doubt, get butt naked. The perfect proportional response.  Works every damn time.  The peoples of the world will thank you for it, one day.  HE’LL thank you for it right now.

Colonel O’Neill (USAF, SO retired I’m horizontal most of the time)
I’m being kept in a manner to which I’m becoming ENTIRELY too accustomed...Jesus!  ANOTHER rescue?  Whadda I have to DO??  Those guys just CAN’T take the hint!


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