Slash: Jack and Daniel involved in a loving and committed relationship, which usually involves sex.
Rating: PG-13.
Category: Humour.
Season/Spoilers: Season 4.  'Absolute Power'.
Synopsis: Top Twenty Tips for the Unusually Realistic Evil Overlord, including what to do with that sexy colonel stashed in the lair.
Warnings: None.
Length: 12 Kb Download a printer-friendly PDF version of the story


:: I am conscious that however attractive some of my enemies are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Logically, I should think more than twice before doing the droit de seigneur thing and ordering a prisoner of that ilk sent to my bedchamber as tradition demands.  Somehow I just know I am safe in assuming my colonel is the sole exception to this rule.  I’m his little Space Monkey after all.   However much he may snarl and shoot at me, he loves me dearly and is mine mine mine.  So I’m keeping him and I will not share.

:: My colonel isn’t exactly a beautiful princess so we won’t be getting married or anything, thus depriving my enemies of a lavish ceremony organised very publicly at some specified date in the near future, at which they can plot to assassinate me.  I’ll settle for just living quietly with him in a shit load of sin.  Starting IMMEDIATELY.

:: If at some point I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give my colonel the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.  Being candid, I really DON’T want my colonel to spend that much time fully dressed, but an evil overlord can only watch so much hockey before he cracks and tries to get his beloved Jackbear out of his hair for a few precious hours a day.

:: I will not taunt my colonel in the unlikely event he wants to Talk about my new career. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and if he has lots and lots of sex with me at every conceivable opportunity, watches his hockey in the Bunker, feeds my fish and doesn’t call me pet names at the most inconvenient of times for a few months, I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (My colonel is incredibly gullible in this regard, especially if I bat my eyes at him and slide my bare feet into his lap.)

:: I will be totally confident in my superiority and will feel no need whatsoever to prove it by keeping my enemies alive.  I will have them killed promptly and from a safe distance, not kept anonymously imprisoned in an orange jumpsuit in a forgotten cell somewhere ready to bite me on the ass when I least expect it.

:: I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. As I already have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

:: I will dress in light, skin tight designer clothes, and so throw my enemies into confusion and my colonel into a frenzy.

:: If an advisor says to me "Dr Jackson, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.

:: I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful Tok'ra rebel in the Wonderbra and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.  The position is filled already by my colonel, and he DOESN’T do the sharing thing.  Anyway, I still don't believe her interest in me is purely intellectual.

:: I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.  Note to self:  put Aris Boch on retainer and clear up one or two miscellaneous points about a day’s rations.

:: I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my senior adviser screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

:: When I've captured some adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?", I'll say "No," and have someone shoot him. No-o.  On second thought, I'll have a henchman shoot him and then have my people send his people an email saying "No."

:: When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.  Not my colonel, obviously.  His advice is always “No.  Don’t do this.  Get naked.  Now.”  I suspect a hidden agenda.

:: I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.  Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the immortal line "No, this simply cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE! " after which death is pretty much instantaneous.

:: I will not strike a bargain with a System Lord then attempt to double-cross him simply because I feel like being contrary or I’m not getting any from a pissy colonel.

:: I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd damn well better save my life again.  It’s lucky indeed for my colonel I love him dearly too, because I want to kill him every single time he cracks another Doctor Evil joke.

:: After I capture some Asgard superweapon more powerful than my own, I will not immediately decommission my existing superweapon, disband my armies and relax my guard because I’m supposed to believe whoever holds the new superweapon is unstoppable. After all, the Asgard held the superweapon and I took it from him.

:: I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

:: I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolical.  Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.  Plus HE whines INCESSANTLY about every inch of ‘flawless’ skin I cover up.

:: I will not have an escape tunnel.  I don’t want my enemies thinking I lack commitment.  Plus, it’s such a goddamn cliché.  Using your own tunnel to infiltrate your evil lair and kill you.  I DON’T think so.  In the unlikely event it does becomes necessary to escape, we will slip away through the Stargate in a dignified manner.  I’d much rather be alive and living quietly somewhere off–world with my colonel than doing the Thelma and Louise thing, thank you so very much.  I will also not stop to pose dramatically on the event horizon and toss off a memorably witty one-liner as they close in for the kill.  That’s what my colonel is for and he’s faster on his feet than I.

Doctor Jackson
I am not ARCH.  I'll cut you some slack on edible, doable and delectable though.


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