TOP TWENTY TIPS
FOR THE UNUSUALLY REALISTIC EVIL OVERLORD
||Jack and Daniel involved
in a loving and committed
relationship, which usually involves sex.
||Season 4. 'Absolute
||Top Twenty Tips for the
Unusually Realistic Evil Overlord, including what to do with that sexy
colonel stashed in the lair.
||12 Kb Download a
printer-friendly PDF version of the story
I am conscious that however attractive some of my enemies are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Logically, I should think more than twice before doing the droit de
seigneur thing and ordering a prisoner of that ilk sent to my
bedchamber as tradition demands. Somehow I just know I am safe in
assuming my colonel is the sole exception to this rule. I’m his
little Space Monkey after all. However much he may snarl
and shoot at me, he loves me dearly and is mine mine mine. So I’m
keeping him and I will not share.
My colonel isn’t exactly a beautiful princess so we won’t be getting
married or anything, thus depriving my enemies of a lavish ceremony
organised very publicly at some specified date in the near future, at
which they can plot to assassinate me. I’ll settle for just
living quietly with him in a shit load of sin. Starting
If at some point I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give
my colonel the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will
retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out
of earshot before making the offer. Being candid, I really DON’T
want my colonel to spend that much time fully dressed, but an evil
overlord can only watch so much hockey before he cracks and tries to
get his beloved Jackbear out of his hair for a few precious hours a day.
I will not taunt my colonel in the unlikely event he wants to Talk
about my new career. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance
has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and if he has
lots and lots of sex with me at every conceivable opportunity, watches
his hockey in the Bunker, feeds my fish and doesn’t call me pet names
at the most inconvenient of times for a few months, I will likely
return to the path of righteousness. (My colonel is incredibly gullible
in this regard, especially if I bat my eyes at him and slide my bare
feet into his lap.)
I will be totally confident in my superiority and will feel no need
whatsoever to prove it by keeping my enemies alive. I will have
them killed promptly and from a safe distance, not kept anonymously
imprisoned in an orange jumpsuit in a forgotten cell somewhere ready to
bite me on the ass when I least expect it.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. As I already have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
I will dress in light, skin tight designer clothes, and so throw my
enemies into confusion and my colonel into a frenzy.
If an advisor says to me "Dr Jackson, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the
beautiful Tok'ra rebel in the Wonderbra and she claims she is attracted
to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I
just let her in on my plans. The position is filled already by my
colonel, and he DOESN’T do the sharing thing. Anyway, I still
don't believe her interest in me is purely intellectual.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance. Note to self: put
Aris Boch on retainer and clear up one or two miscellaneous points
about a day’s rations.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my senior adviser screws up I
will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price
for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
When I've captured some adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?", I'll say "No,"
and have someone shoot him. No-o. On second thought, I'll have a
henchman shoot him and then have my people send his people an email
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice. Not my colonel, obviously. His advice is always
“No. Don’t do this. Get naked. Now.” I suspect
a hidden agenda.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
job, at least I will never utter the immortal line "No, this simply
cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE! " after which death is pretty much
I will not strike a bargain with a System Lord then attempt to
double-cross him simply because I feel like being contrary or I’m not
getting any from a pissy colonel.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd damn
well better save my life again. It’s lucky indeed for my colonel
I love him dearly too, because I want to kill him every single time he
cracks another Doctor Evil joke.
After I capture some Asgard superweapon more powerful than my own, I
will not immediately decommission my existing superweapon, disband my
armies and relax my guard because I’m supposed to believe whoever holds
the new superweapon is unstoppable. After all, the Asgard held the
superweapon and I took it from him.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolical. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member
of Generation X. Plus HE whines INCESSANTLY about every inch of
‘flawless’ skin I cover up.
I will not have an escape tunnel. I don’t want my enemies
thinking I lack commitment. Plus, it’s such a goddamn
cliché. Using your own tunnel to infiltrate your evil lair
and kill you. I DON’T think so. In the unlikely event it
does becomes necessary to escape, we will slip away through the
Stargate in a dignified manner. I’d much rather be alive and
living quietly somewhere off–world with my colonel than doing the
Thelma and Louise thing, thank you so very much. I will also not
stop to pose dramatically on the event horizon and toss off a memorably
witty one-liner as they close in for the kill. That’s what my
colonel is for and he’s faster on his feet than I.
am not ARCH. I'll cut you some slack on edible, doable and
Feedback makes the difference between writing
and posting; please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org